*TW* Sh/SI poll + lack of mental health care for autistics

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Have you ever...
hurt yourself to cope with difficult feelings? 32%  32%  [ 14 ]
thought about hurting yourself to cope with difficult feelings? 18%  18%  [ 8 ]
thought about unaliving yourself? 34%  34%  [ 15 ]
tried to unalive yourself? 16%  16%  [ 7 ]
Total votes : 44

KaleidoscopicMagpie
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23 Apr 2022, 5:28 pm

This post is about SH/SI and thoughts or attempts of unaliving pneself. If you are very sensitive, in a bad place, or just don't want to read/talk about that kind of stuff, please click away.









I wonder how common self injury is in autistic people. Also thoughts of unalivng oneself. I don't think there is enough support or understanding.


I am having some quite intense thoughts/feelings around this at the moment (although no actions or planned actions) because my mental health is not good.

I am on a waiting list for ED treatment. I have no idea how long the list is. I have enquired.
I was encouraged by my Dr to call a team which is supposed to provide improved access to psychological therapies.
I didn't even get to the assessment - they said I was too complex.

Has this happened to anyone else?


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Joe90
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23 Apr 2022, 5:39 pm

I emotionally harm myself by putting myself down, beating myself up for making social mistakes, and hating myself for being on the spectrum. But I don't do physical harm to myself though, like cutting my wrists, because I don't see the point. It'll just hurt.

About 10 years ago I saw a mental health counselor about my social anxieties and poor self-esteem issues and depression, but they suddenly cancelled my appointments because they said I was "beyond help". So, er, I thought you were supposed to be in a "beyond help" mental state to be able to be provided those services but apparently not. They obviously weren't educated about how depression, loneliness, PTSD and self-esteem issues can affect a person. I've lost all hope in trying to get help now. I just help myself and carry on. I have no other choice.


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Rexi
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23 Apr 2022, 5:49 pm

Something peculiar, I have wanted and put myself into cold to feel it in my bones, somehow I have thought it would help relieve it. I don't think it was exactly what I wanted. Not even that hurting flesh feeling like when you've been in the cold too long you commonly get around your hands.

I'm bpd so this comorbid can increase the chances of such things but compared to some people I would say that I handled well. I've been through hell and back many times. And especially when i was younger i idealized the concept of inexistence, to never have been and never be able to ever be brought back to living, it was my biggest wish. To not even rest or feel happiness because even happiness was so draining for me. So i thought if i end up in deadland and anyone asks me what I want i would ask for inexistence, to have past, present, future, ability and inability wiped out.

This is the reason why I don't want to make the same mistake mom made, to bring me into the world unprepared as a tortured soul, it's really not nice, it's a mistake and it affects me. Life's like a spinning wheel with the chance to be unlucky 99.9% so I feel like I always have to watch my back and always worry.

I think I have really bad genes as does my family, from mental health and physical more severe than in general, which is what I had to always deal with acknowledge and keep being reminded of, accept.


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Last edited by Rexi on 23 Apr 2022, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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23 Apr 2022, 6:43 pm

Rexi wrote:
Something peculiar, I have wanted and put myself into cold to feel it in my bones, somehow I have thought it would help relieve it. I don't think it was exactly what I wanted. Not even that hurting flesh feeling like when you've been in the cold too long you commonly get around your hands.

same.


I will not directly self-harm. Although I sometimes indulge in related daydreams.
This is another meaning of "skinned wolf". Also the real reason why I choose it.

But broadly speaking, I am in self-destruction for a long period of time.
For example, deliberately making decisions that will cause me trouble in the future.

And the suicidal urge is sometimes so strong when I encounter a small failure or anxiety.
I even deliberately left some holes for myself. When they do become a problem, that's probably my final time.
But this one is more likely because I have ADHD.


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23 Apr 2022, 9:00 pm

In my various women's Autism groups near 90% did self-harm in their 20s and 30s. The good news is that 90% are pretty much past that by age 40 or so. Still feelings can be very difficult, but the distress passes more quickly or without significant self-harm -and other factors (more tools - hold ice, more experience, stability for some, etc.)

I hope you have productive (self-preserving) relief soon. As you may know, have the mental health hotline number on hand and if in crisis, call a friend/family member or 911. It's worth it. I have stood on the ledge and am sooooooooooo glad I made it past that. Hugs.



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23 Apr 2022, 9:13 pm

I don't know how I got lucky enough.

I only have one suicidal thought and then something overwhelmed me for a moment to stop it.
And that was all it. It was a prelude to my worst year.

Now, even those years when I had been utterly burned out, frustrated and exhausted, it will never be enough to contemplate suicide.


As for being emotionally hurt...
I had a few habit here and there. Relatively minor like picking my lips or my fingertips skin into bleeding.
Maybe some headbanging if it's really that bad.

Except that didn't turned into a habit.

It went to the pleasure of walking in less ideal weather for hours.
Or some weird challenge of holding pent up frustration through exercises and thoughts with contemplation through writings or meditations.

No one taught me those.
And I can't afford professional help. So I'd get my own means of mental health care.

Though, if there's an opportunity for me to get a hammer and break stuff I'd do it. Instead it went to some heavy lifting, which is more than enough.

For most of my life, even long before puberty, all I want is to actually control my emotions instead of the other way around.

But no one's teaching me nor showing anything properly. No amount of leniency or even love -- because there's not enough understanding.

Let alone if something drastic happened to me.

So I would have to figure that one out myself as well. Figuring how to prevent myself from ever falling.

But for now a good portion of my mental health issues is coming from being hormonal and biologically sensitive, than situational or past related.
Therefore for now, I'm also working on what I consume and figuring what phases of the cycle I'm at for.


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Last edited by Edna3362 on 23 Apr 2022, 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HeroOfHyrule
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23 Apr 2022, 9:22 pm

I have a reoccurring self harm habit, and have thought about suicide a lot of times during my life. I've never attempted it, though I've unfortunately planned it before and prepared for it once or twice.

I also have some issues with disordered eating, which I guess is a form of self harm. But I'm okay at not giving into restrictive urges as much as I was a couple years ago, and that's good.


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24 Apr 2022, 12:37 am

It isn't that we get "beyond help" per se, it is just that the available talent is at least willing to admit that it is out of its depth. When I arrived in a small, remote town, shortly after learning about my AS, it took a long time to find any counsellors, and when I did, the first one I met felt unqualified and tried to refer me to a psychiatrist. He and I just butted heads, and the first one turned out to be the best helper I've had, out of eight or so with repeated appointments. I'd describe what she does as remedial parenting. The single most helpful thing this one said is "I don't know," which the PhDs are not comfortable saying. Mostly, we'd just sit around and discuss my case, and it kept me going. She did give me the name of another major problem I have, once I had it down to a short phrase.
We are also bucking the trend to cut out all the talking therapies in favour of pills, so we are out of fashion, medically, in the Capitalist countries. All counselling is more art than science, IMHO, and you just have to shop around until you find a good match.



KaleidoscopicMagpie
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24 Apr 2022, 5:20 am

I messed up the poll... I should have put a 'none of the above' option.

Sorry to hear others are going through similar difficulties. Feelings are so intense.


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24 Apr 2022, 7:07 am

Self-harm isn't that uncommon in those with Autism, albeit it'll likely be mediated by situations that can provoke meltdowns or the despondence social isolation can cause (there'll be more reasons, of course). Forever sleep will often be with the latter, sadly, as many aren't fine with being isolated from others. I've self-harmed for a long time, sometimes too far (physical disability); sometimes Autism, sometimes other stuff. I can't talk about forever sleep stuff and me, but it's been there in the past, and I'll leave it at that. I just kinda up my dose of Zyprexa and call it a day when things get too much for me (it allows me to handle things better).

You're not alone, so you know.



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24 Apr 2022, 9:10 am

Yes, for me it tends to come up if I'm in (for me) overwhelming new situations or just thrust into a new hard to cope environment (happened with moving and new job). Also the thoughts were real bad when i was a teenager and around family that ridiculed and made it all worse though at the time didn't know about autism. Also if I'm in a meltdown type mode I tend to scratch myself. I think its a way to try to cope with overwhelming feelings of miserableness and anger and fear. It's hard i know. I also had a therapist that said they couldn't help me anymore, but I didn't talk about everything for fear I would be committed like my mom had been over her adulthood (she has actual mental illness).



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24 Apr 2022, 4:40 pm

I used to self harm as an older teenager but don't anymore. I have had many bouts of depression leading to thoughts of ending it all. Thankfully that happens much less often these days.
I like your calling it unaliving oneself. I hate the word suicide as it means the crime of killing onself and I don't believe such an action can be a crime.


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24 Apr 2022, 5:03 pm

I lost several friends to suicide. One who probably didn't do it called it "Cashing in my Birth Certificate."