Would having a child make me happier ?

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If kids are such a huge stress to your life then why does everyone want to have them?

If NTs can put themselves in other people's shoes then how come they don't really understand the stress having children apparently brings until after they have them?


When I say "everyone" I don't mean everyone, just the majority.

People want kids, partially, because there's a biological urge to create kids in order to keep our species going.

Also: people sometimes feel a moral obligation to have kids in order to keep alive their family line.

Also: people sometimes want to create a new human being from themselves (related to the "biological urge"), and mentor this new human being throughout life.

I sort of regret not having kids. I feel like sort of a fool that I'm not a grandfather to somebody. I feel like I'm "immature," somehow. I see people who are young enough to be my sons and daughters, and say to myself----this could have been my son and daughter.

But then.....I don't know if I would have handled too well the aggravation which is an inevitable part of having children. Or the potential custody battles. Things like that.

I do feel sort of "incomplete" because I've never fathered a child.

Good reasons but I thought of a couple more.
Some want kids because of their religious beliefs. They feel that is what their god wants them to do.
Some want kids because their relationship is on the rocks & they believe that having kids would somehow suddenly magically make their relationship smooth sailing or would be the glue that holds their relationship together.
Some want kids because of societal pressure in general.
These people may not really want kids personally but they act like they do because they feel they are supposed to.

My ex made me write an essay about why I wanted children before he would consent to sire them with his superior genes (Gag me)

I had only one reason: I knew I was ready to be a committed, loving role model. That included my age, my health, my stage of my career, my patience, my finances etc., but mostly my desire to support a child through all the emotional stages of life, loving them unconditionally regardless of disability, neurotype, orientation, behaviour, etc.

The essay was a stupid idea but at least it helped me to consider what it would involve, and think critically.

I've never regretted being a mother for one moment even though he walked out 25 years ago.

Parenting isn't a huge stress, at least not imo. It's a huge commitment though. For the rest of your life every single thing you do or say (or don't do or don't say), will affect them. You're a role model 24/7 even when you're asleep or when you aren't with them. The responsibility is immense and there are no days off -- not even minutes off -- from worry or obligation. It changes who you are, and you will never be able to make an independent decision again. All decisions will need to have their best interest in mind on some level, even when they're grown and independent.

I believe, if I would have had a child, that I would have been a more complete and mature person.

But then....I don't know if I would have done unintended harm to the child because I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility.

When I think about how I wish I could have been a dad, tears well up in my eyes.

Did you try to have children with your wife?

Do you see your grandson often?

Well maybe that's how the OP feels.

I wish I was brave enough to have a child, even just one. I feel at 32 my biological clock is ticking and soon I will be too old, as you go through your 30s it increases the chances of having a baby with downs syndrome or autism or other neurodevelopmental disabilities that I don't really want my child to have to suffer through. Mind you it seems like a 95% chance my child will have autism anyway because nearly all parents on WP seem to have at least one child on the spectrum, and the challenges autistic children bring can drive you to an early grave, just like I did to my mum.

Last edited by Joe90 on 27 Apr 2022, 8:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

She's WAY too old to have children. She had a hysterectomy a long time ago, sometime in the 70s.

She has one grandchild, though he's not biological. He's 8 years old now. She doesn't see him that often, because her son lives in the UK and Spain.

In answer to the original question, I often wonder if I would have came out better had I had a child. If I would have been happier because I came out better.

In my mind, subconsciously and consciously, too, I believe I would have screwed up too much in my 20s and 30s to have been a decent father. I had some good traits----but I believe the bad traits might have outweighed the good traits, to the detriment of the child.

He's not biological, but her son adopted him / via surrogacy. He is her grandchild whether biological or not.
That means he's your grandchild too. I hope you can nurture the relationship as a granddad.

My son is adopted and yet my mother is definitely his grandmother, legally and otherwise.

I guess I just mean families come in all shapes and sizes.
You can still be a grandfather to him, especially when you retire.

I am one who absolutely believes that an adopted child is just as much somebody's child as a biological child. I hate it when adopted children renounce their ties to their adopted parents after they find their biological parents. It's dead wrong. I see stories about this on TV----and I can't watch it because it hurts so much.

When I do see him, I don't overdo it. If he wants to see me as a grandfather, I'd be okay with it. But he doesn't see me as a grandfather, and he's not encouraged to by his father; he just sees me as another adult.

Sorry to OP if this is a derail.
I'm just curious if the 8 year old views his other set of grandparents as grandparents?
The other father's parents?

He sees (the other grandmother) much more often.

And she plays the grandparent role much better than we do.

I didn’t know my mother’s father, and barely knew my father’s mother.

I would say to Chris:

Don't have kids just because you feel society wants you to have kids. You have to REALLY want kids. Because kids need your undivided love and attention.

Not having children doesn't make you "less of a person." I'm 61, with no kids, and I don't feel like "less of a person," though it would have been nice, in a way, if I had a kid.

My mom told me many times during my 20s how the parent's job is supposed to be somewhat over 1ce their kids are no longer in school. Mom made sure to let me know how lucky I was for her & dad to still support me because that would not have happened with my grandparents or other parents mom knew. Mom was very frustrated by the situation & she hoped that making me feel unwelcome & guilty would somehow motivate me to suddenly be more independent

There wasn't much of community & government supports available to me & my parents when I was growing up because our area was kinda rural & hard-core conservative. Plus some of my major problems were undiagnosed. Mom & dad tried taking to to various docs but the docs usually just said I was being a very difficult patient & told my parents not to bring me back. The docs didn't know nor care to find out why I was being so difficult. My paretns ended up missing work just so they could pay a doc bill for nothing. Other things were based off my parents income & they both worked so we were kinda SOL.

My mom loved her job at 1st but things had gradually gone downhill & she kinda blamed me for not being able to afford to retire. She resented me staying home doing nothing in my 20s while she went to work & then came home & did more work.

We have a much better relationship since I moved out about 10 years ago. I can kinda see where she's coming from now & I know I am very difficult for most others to live with or handle being around for an extended time. I know most parents are not really capable or willing to raise a kid who has a lot more than his fair share of problems & issues.

I've read an article 10/15 years ago of some study about how the parents who have autistic kids are about 2wice as likely to get divorced than the general population. I think one of the main factors would be that autism can run in families or families that have other various disabilities & issues. & the other main factor would be that the stress of raising an autistic kid puts a major strain on the relationship. I also hear that kids who have serious medical issues & disabilities in general are much more likely to end up in orphanages or foster care type situations because it's harder for the parents to handle the responsibility of raising them. It's a lot worse in areas that have fewer supports & services available to help the parents out. There are TONS of exceptions to all that of corse.

I'm really sorry that happened. The way I see it, when you decide to give birth to a baby you're committing for the long haul. The child could be disabled or require 24/7 care in your retirement. They could have physical disabilities (requiring wheelchairs / home renos), devastating or fatal diseases, mental health conditions, severe behavioural challenges and addictions, or even grow up to kill people. They might be dependent their entire lives. Likewise they could be brilliant or extremely talented and require a huge investiture for tuition / training / experiential learning. I guess my comment to your mother would be that she's lucky you were as nice and responsible as you are. Things could have been a lot worse than raising an autistic child into their 20's.

My point is that even when children become independent and move out, the parents still need to be responsible about their own lives. Their commitment doesn't really end, because they still need to be role models. They shouldn't be out taking drugs, doing reckless activities (drinking and driving), gambling away their money, being narcissistic creeps, being racist / sexist / homophobic bigots, etc. Parents can still do considerable damage to their adult children's mental health and affect the course of that generation's life and sense of stability. They might have grandchildren they need to care for, or act as role models even from a distance. It's not just about financial obligations or putting a roof over someone's head, although it's also considerate for parents to leave a nest egg for their grown children if humanly possible. Leaving the kids with mountains of debt is inexcusable, imo.




I got my autism from my dad's side of the family, where it seems to have been passed down for generations. There are quite a few divorces or dissolved partnerships on that side and I'm sure the adults' / children's autism played a pretty big role. My own marriage ended when my daughter was just six months old. My husband was gay but even if he hadn't come out, our relationship was in trouble because of my undiagnosed autism. He didn't have the patience to raise autistic children either. It only got worse when my daughter was diagnosed with incurable physical conditions on top of ASD and ADHD. He washed his hands of his responsibilities completely (in a total dickhead move).

That leads me to another point that even in the best of marriages / partnerships, people who bring children into the world need to be prepared for raising their children alone. This could be necessitated by bereavement, illness of one partner, or outright divorce / separation.

Wow, I feel like a party pooper lately. I'm just being totally honest about the realities of parenting, and the commitments involved. I love being a mother and wouldn't trade it for the world, but it's the most demanding job in the world, whether that be for men or women, alone or in partnerships.