Last day at work

Post Reply New Topic

Update:
I dropped off the "tools of my trade" and was able to retrieve my books and personal things with no problem.
Sometimes in my line of work they like to send a security guard to watch you pack your things into a cardboard box and march you out the door. I had made friends with the security guy and he just gave me a temporary badge and let me take my own stuff in my own way, and I was grateful for that.

I updated my resume which was not as bad as I thought - I had updated it two years ago when I thought I heard the ax man coming. I dodged that bullet but didn't manage to keep dodging. COVID-19 mixed with my social issues and EF (executive function) issues took a lot out of me.

I replied to two "feelers" which were in my inbox on Monday and had two phone interviews on Tuesday. They didn't know I was laid off when they reached out initially. One is a hardly possible and the other even more unlikely, but I needed the practice with interviewing. Now it gets hard. They were fishing for me, now I have to go fishing for them.

Wednesday I finally had "That Feeling". The feeling that I cannot really do anything - and at best I can talk my way into a position I will fail at spectacularly. At least it is a familiar feeling. I am really an odd duck and a lot of them want Flipper.

I also sent my resume to auticon - I also solved the puzzle on their website - which was kind of a job test I guess.
They won't hire me unless I have a doctors note verifying that I am on the spectrum. So far all I have is the internet self-test.
So: if I can get a doc to sign off on a DX I can move forward - my general practitioner might - but I would need to be willing to be "autistic diagnosed" instead of "autistic self-diagnosed" so I need to think about that. Just another label I guess - I have plenty. I might need to find a specialist - research suggests a developmental pediatrician or pediatric neurologist who works with older youth might be the best bet (even though I am older than "older youth" because they would have the right training and experience).

Today I got myself up long enough to get my 12 year old to school. My wife is out of town.

I spent half the day in bed - arguing with myself that I needed the rest on one hand and I needed to keep momentum on the other.

I am an old hacker - too old to be a whiz-kid. If I had great EF (executive function) I'd be a team lead or something. As it it I am just - experienced. And not as quick as I used to be.

I am scared to - but I might have too. "100 percent remote" means "no interaction unless I initiate it". And I tend to balk. And that can snowball small problems into big ones, or small distractions into days of productivity lost.

I don't like to share bad news.

My social anxiety doesn't work well with some kinds of management. My boss never wanted to meet with video-chat, and would often cancel the weekly team meeting when he was busy - which was often. His boss kept telling him not to reach out to his people, just assign things and wait for status - which was his own preferred management style. And triggered my fear of abandonment and removed another potential motivator - the frequent "at-a-boys" and "how's-it-goings".

So if I didn't push and he didn't push - no-one pushed.

He tried to "fix" my unproductivity by giving me just one (huge complicated) assignment at a time. With no small assignments. Which wasn't a bad theory, but it left me stuck on a big project with no way to fill up my kill list with small projects to make things look good. And then he started losing patiences with me.

Which is kind of classic "bad EF meets job" for ADHD or ASD - with some depression mixed in. Maybe some COVID fatigue too, or neurological side effects from the vaccine (which are reported by some and refuted by others - but they look like more EF issues).

I started doubling up on my teas and iced tea to try and get some focus and elevate my mood - but it also elevated my anxiety and impacted my sleep negatively. Been in this movie before.

It all added up to an unproductive year - which put me at the bottom of the list - which put me on "THAT LIST".

Gee - what a lot of whining I am doing.

Tried to take a day off from WP yesterday. I started posting here because COVID-19 was making me stir-crazy. I am an introvert. But even my introversion has its limits.

Sometimes I spend too much time on the Internet. I have a hard time setting boundaries and finding life balance with a lot of things - internet is just one. So i will try some days off (key word is try).

Did not spend the whole day in bed yesterday that was good. Hyper-focused on a lot of things but not my “new job” which is “hunting for a job” - that was not.

Had a panic attack when i got an email from a recruiter. Sick to my stomach and weak in the knees. I tried to think it through and went for a walk. Finally replied at end of day.

Got my 12 year old to school and picked him up from karate after school program. Got him through homework with help from 21 year old son. Left dishes for morning - older son did them (cool - but maybeI should have done them).

Feel like I am dealing with depression anxiety and escapism. May need to talk to doc about meds.