Do we have more luck getting one night stands?

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kraftiekortie
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08 May 2022, 10:00 am

Those drunk folks in bars don’t really care about “politeness.”



Fnord
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08 May 2022, 10:06 am

Jamesy wrote:
What do you mean no advice can help a person in that state?
I mean that those “mental health issues” of yours may be the root of all your social problems. Until those issues are resolved, no amount of advice will be effective. Not being a mental health professional, I cannot give you effective advice. In simpler terms, you are on your own.

Good luck, Jamesy.



klanka
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08 May 2022, 10:17 am

Jamesy wrote:
klanka wrote:
They say those mean comments about your appearance, which is 'using you as a verbal punching bag'


I wonder why they would want to do it to me though? I am always polite to them.


When another man mocks you like that it makes him feel big. Gives him a confidence boost.
Maybe if that happens and you tell him to go $%^& himself he'll think twice and you'll get the confidence boost. Although if he is apt to start a fight then he is not your friend at all, or you could come up with a witty insult for him. He cant start a fight based on that because he insulted you first.



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08 May 2022, 10:19 am

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Hooking up and one night stands are mostly based on physical attraction, so it would make sense that attractive people have an easier time hooking up compared to less attractive people.

It also depends on your gender. For autistic women, unless they're very unattractive and/or very overweight, getting hookups and ONS's will be very easy. I know an autistic woman who was average at best, maybe even a little below average in the face, but had absolutely no problems with meeting guys at bars. But then again, she was a wild and sexually adventurous sorority girl.

For men on the other hand, a lot of how easy hooking up will be is based on your looks. If you have a decent body, decent face, not overweight, not too short (under 5 ft 7), and decent social skills, you can generally be successful in that type of avenue. Traditionally unattractive men will struggle.


No wonder a lot of men transition to womanhood. I think I read that MTF transgender is more common than FTM transgender.
I've had phases where I felt I was born the wrong gender & this stuff was a major reason why. I've also considered having a gay relationship before cuz gay guys were the only people interested in me. I've used various forums & sites for various disabilities & there were alot more disabled guys majorly struggling to get relationships than disabled women. I'm sure different gender social roles with dating & relationships & guys tending to be more obsessed with sex was a major factor.


Mikah wrote:
I hardly ever post on this forum, but if I were to regularly - I would have some eternal advice: ignore everyone over the age of 40 on these topics, especially on this forum. They have no idea what is going on any more or how much things have changed. Their advice is not just wrong - it is actively harmful, follow it at your peril.
The phrase "Consider The Source" comes to mind here. I learned it's something I should try to keep in mind before applying advice or coming up with a major game plan. I'm very unique compared to most others & advice that may be great for more normal people might be very bad for me or just be a giant waste of my time. Some of the things that worked for me with my current relationship are things that most others here & others in general would say not to do like me acting very desperate. I tend to consider advice more from someone who is more understanding & relatable to me, especially if I know the person has been in similar predicaments.


kraftiekortie wrote:
In a way, I think he wants a job. He certainly wants a romance.

He knows getting a job would make it easier to obtain what he desires—but he feels sort of stymied by whatever is preventing him from getting a job. I wish he had more support if he takes the plunge and tries working.

For sure, though, the pub is an agent which puts him further down the rabbit hole. The patrons there don’t have his best interests at heart. They have their own problems, and they might use James as sort of a punching bag.

He should find some other sort of socialization venue.
I completely agree. I know from personal experience that having a job is no guarantee that a guy will obtain a relationship if it's a minimum-wage job that others look down on but it can be good for self-improvement, being around others with less focus on social chit-chat, & having some extra spending money. Having good support to find a decent job that's right for him would be a huge help but unfortunately it might be easier to find a job on his own than to obtain that needed support :(

Perhaps you could try another way to socialize with others offline James, like maybe do some volunteer/charity work or joining a support group. Don't join with the expectation that you will get a romantic relationship thou; join for self-improvement, helping others, & getting in needed social interaction. You can still go to the bar & hang out if you want but going to the bar should not be your main focus. It's common for people to go to bars on Fridays after work or on Saturday nights as their reward/treat for going to work or school during the week.


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Jamesy
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08 May 2022, 10:30 am

nick007 wrote:
Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Hooking up and one night stands are mostly based on physical attraction, so it would make sense that attractive people have an easier time hooking up compared to less attractive people.

It also depends on your gender. For autistic women, unless they're very unattractive and/or very overweight, getting hookups and ONS's will be very easy. I know an autistic woman who was average at best, maybe even a little below average in the face, but had absolutely no problems with meeting guys at bars. But then again, she was a wild and sexually adventurous sorority girl.

For men on the other hand, a lot of how easy hooking up will be is based on your looks. If you have a decent body, decent face, not overweight, not too short (under 5 ft 7), and decent social skills, you can generally be successful in that type of avenue. Traditionally unattractive men will struggle.


No wonder a lot of men transition to womanhood. I think I read that MTF transgender is more common than FTM transgender.
I've had phases where I felt I was born the wrong gender & this stuff was a major reason why. I've also considered having a gay relationship before cuz gay guys were the only people interested in me. I've used various forums & sites for various disabilities & there were alot more disabled guys majorly struggling to get relationships than disabled women. I'm sure different gender social roles with dating & relationships & guys tending to be more obsessed with sex was a major factor.


Mikah wrote:
I hardly ever post on this forum, but if I were to regularly - I would have some eternal advice: ignore everyone over the age of 40 on these topics, especially on this forum. They have no idea what is going on any more or how much things have changed. Their advice is not just wrong - it is actively harmful, follow it at your peril.
The phrase "Consider The Source" comes to mind here. I learned it's something I should try to keep in mind before applying advice or coming up with a major game plan. I'm very unique compared to most others & advice that may be great for more normal people might be very bad for me or just be a giant waste of my time. Some of the things that worked for me with my current relationship are things that most others here & others in general would say not to do like me acting very desperate. I tend to consider advice more from someone who is more understanding & relatable to me, especially if I know the person has been in similar predicaments.


kraftiekortie wrote:
In a way, I think he wants a job. He certainly wants a romance.

He knows getting a job would make it easier to obtain what he desires—but he feels sort of stymied by whatever is preventing him from getting a job. I wish he had more support if he takes the plunge and tries working.

For sure, though, the pub is an agent which puts him further down the rabbit hole. The patrons there don’t have his best interests at heart. They have their own problems, and they might use James as sort of a punching bag.

He should find some other sort of socialization venue.
I completely agree. I know from personal experience that having a job is no guarantee that a guy will obtain a relationship if it's a minimum-wage job that others look down on but it can be good for self-improvement, being around others with less focus on social chit-chat, & having some extra spending money. Having good support to find a decent job that's right for him would be a huge help but unfortunately it might be easier to find a job on his own than to obtain that needed support :(

Perhaps you could try another way to socialize with others offline James, like maybe do some volunteer/charity work or joining a support group. Don't join with the expectation that you will get a romantic relationship thou; join for self-improvement, helping others, & getting in needed social interaction. You can still go to the bar & hang out if you want but going to the bar should not be your main focus. It's common for people to go to bars on Fridays after work or on Saturday nights as their reward/treat for going to work or school during the week.



Yeah like I said before I only go to the bar on a Friday or Saturday.



nick007
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08 May 2022, 10:35 am

Fnord wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
What do you mean no advice can help a person in that state?
I mean that those “mental health issues” of yours may be the root of all your social problems. Until those issues are resolved, no amount of advice will be effective. Not being a mental health professional, I cannot give you effective advice. In simpler terms, you are on your own.

Good luck, Jamesy.
I know from personal experience that sometimes it's better to accept your issues & limitations instead of stressing yourself out trying to change & overcome things you cant. I mean You in the general sense here. In those situations it may be better to try & figure out how to work within your issues & limitations instead of trying to change them. For example I get overwhelmed in noisy chaotic environments & being majorly social offline in general. Instead of pushing myself to be something I'm not like trying to socialize & meet women at bars/clubs, parties, & major events, I've focused on getting my social interaction in & meeting women online instead. I've met both my exes & current girlfriend on online forums. People like us need to find our niches instead of trying to change ourselves or pretend in ways we can never measure up to.


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Jamesy
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08 May 2022, 10:39 am

nick007 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
What do you mean no advice can help a person in that state?
I mean that those “mental health issues” of yours may be the root of all your social problems. Until those issues are resolved, no amount of advice will be effective. Not being a mental health professional, I cannot give you effective advice. In simpler terms, you are on your own.

Good luck, Jamesy.
I know from personal experience that sometimes it's better to accept your issues & limitations instead of stressing yourself out trying to change & overcome things you cant. I mean You in the general sense here. In those situations it may be better to try & figure out how to work within your issues & limitations instead of trying to change them. For example I get overwhelmed in noisy chaotic environments & being majorly social offline in general. Instead of pushing myself to be something I'm not like trying to socialize & meet women at bars/clubs, parties, & major events, I've focused on getting my social interaction in & meeting women online instead. I've met both my exes & current girlfriend on online forums. People like us need to find our niches instead of trying to change ourselves or pretend in ways we can never measure up to.




These days I don't go to bars to meet a women. I am to much of an emotional mess to have a girlfriend.



Benjamin the Donkey
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09 May 2022, 1:10 am

Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.

You have been given a great deal of advice on this issue.  It is surprising that you have followed none of it.


This was definitely true for me. In my younger days, I had plenty of brief encounters--but I was too weird for the women to stick around for long.

This improved for 2 reasons. 1) I developed some social skills through many years of trial and error, and 2) I learned to avoid getting involved with conventional women, as they probably wouldn't stay interested (and I usually find them boring anyway). Geeky, eccentric artistic / intellectual women are much better for me.


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09 May 2022, 3:15 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.

You have been given a great deal of advice on this issue.  It is surprising that you have followed none of it.


This was definitely true for me. In my younger days, I had plenty of brief encounters--but I was too weird for the women to stick around for long.

This improved for 2 reasons. 1) I developed some social skills through many years of trial and error, and 2) I learned to avoid getting involved with conventional women, as they probably wouldn't stay interested (and I usually find them boring anyway). Geeky, eccentric artistic / intellectual women are much better for me.


That's good advice



Mitchell M.
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13 Jul 2022, 11:01 am

Jamesey, where do you live? Are you American?

Please look into prostitution in your area, and its legalities. If you are interested in simply hiring an escort for kissing, please note that this is not considered a sexual action by law and thus paying money to kiss does not count as prostitution.

You can also look up Love Dolls, which look almost exactly like women and only cost around 1.5k dollars. You NEED to get a job though, even if its through a disability program.

There you go, some unconventional advice you can apply without playing the "social game". Enjoy.



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13 Jul 2022, 11:45 am

Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.



This is how it's been for me as well usually.



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13 Jul 2022, 12:09 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’ve always sucked at “picking up girls.”

If I relied upon bars in my search for love, I’d be a 61-year-old virgin.

I did better when I made friends with a girl—then asked her for a date.
I'm suddenly thinking of the scene from the movie The 40 Year-Old Virgin where he hits on a drunk woman at the bar & she drives them back to her place even thou she's waaay too drunk to be driving at all & then she vomits on him :lol: I'd bet that would be my kinda luck if I did pick up a woman at a bar. If we were to do anything, I would want a romantic relationship after & she would want me gone 1ce she woke up. Party girls are horrible matches for me anyways. My 1st girlfriend had some issues with drugs & alcohol & I tried to get her to quit due to having bad panic attacks worrying about her & I ended up having a mental breakdown.


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13 Jul 2022, 12:13 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.

You have been given a great deal of advice on this issue.  It is surprising that you have followed none of it.



I have been going out regurley on the weekends for nearly 10 years now and have never managed to get myself a one night stand or the opportunity to have sex. In my life I have attended a fair amount of house parties to.

:? :|

Do you go out with the intent of chatting up girls & make attempts to create one night stand opportunities and then take action to further that objective ?

Big difference between someone who physically moves their body into a bar and stands around in silence drinking pints and someone who goes and chats up girls every night out until he clicks with one to go home with.


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13 Jul 2022, 12:29 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.  You have been given a great deal of advice on this issue.  It is surprising that you have followed none of it.
I have been going out regurley on the weekends for nearly 10 years now and have never managed to get myself a one night stand or the opportunity to have sex. In my life I have attended a fair amount of house parties to.
Do you go out with the intent of chatting up girls & make attempts to create one night stand opportunities and then take action to further that objective?  Big difference between someone who physically moves their body into a bar and stands around in silence drinking pints and someone who goes and chats up girls every night out until he clicks with one to go home with.
To take this one step further, there is also a big difference between the behaviors you mentioned and making such a nuisance of one's self that no one will be interested.



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13 Jul 2022, 1:01 pm

Fnord wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Each man could only speak for himself.  So, speaking only for myself, during my single days, I had little trouble engaging "one-night stands"; it was the aftermath of relationships that were difficult.  In my opinion, any man can (theoretically) find a sex partner, but it is building and maintaining relationships where men find the greatest difficulty.  You have been given a great deal of advice on this issue.  It is surprising that you have followed none of it.
I have been going out regurley on the weekends for nearly 10 years now and have never managed to get myself a one night stand or the opportunity to have sex. In my life I have attended a fair amount of house parties to.
Do you go out with the intent of chatting up girls & make attempts to create one night stand opportunities and then take action to further that objective?  Big difference between someone who physically moves their body into a bar and stands around in silence drinking pints and someone who goes and chats up girls every night out until he clicks with one to go home with.
To take this one step further, there is also a big difference between the behaviors you mentioned and making such a nuisance of one's self that no one will be interested.




Not my style at all I am usually more the reserved type of guy.


Unfortunately where I live in England southern girls are more standoffish and reserved compared to woman who live in the North of England or Scotland. Northern women are much more friendly and approach a man first.

My dad however did make a joke aimed at me saying “Northern women will talk to anyone” :roll:



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14 Jul 2022, 1:54 pm

Fnord wrote:
A man who is merely "good-looking" cannot compete with men who also have jobs, income, and places of their own.

And they cannot compete with men who also have their own means of motorized transportation.

The latter is certainly true in most parts of the USA.

However, in some parts of New York City, it is perfectly acceptable not to have a car. Even many well-to-do people don't have cars here.

I suspect that the same is true in at least some European cities, which tend to be more densely populated (and have better public transportation) than most American cities.


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