Frustrated Because Nobody Thinks I Have Autism

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I wonder if there will ever be a vaccine to cure it.

First of I want to state that I have an official diagnosis. The main autism symptoms recorded in my neuropsych eval, by two psychologists experienced in diagnosing autism, one with a PhD, were as follows: a history of problems engaging in back and forth conversation, initiating interactions, developing friendships, recognizing emotions in others, and being overly literal, repetitive body movements, fixated interests, difficulty adapting to novel situations, a low pain threshold, and heightened sensitivity to certain sounds, textures of food, touch, and temperature. There’s also common symptoms I don’t have that were noted- for instance, my prosody is normal, I am friendly, have no speech abnormalities, and my social overtures and responses are generally appropriate.

But usually when I meet people, including people who have known a lot of people with Asperger’s and other forms of autism (and who know a lot about what it entails and what it looks like), including OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE, they don’t think I have it. Now, there are a number of exceptions, and very few people have outright said “No way!” or “You don’t seem autistic”- in fact, most people kind of just don’t really respond- but I have asked a number of friends, many of who have it themselves, if I seem like I have autism or show any signs (because I wanted to know if the people who denied it were right or not), they will very often say “No” or “Not really” or even “Not at all.” When they talk about autism they don’t talk to me about it as if I’m someone who also has autism, but will with other diagnosed people, all of whom they insist obviously have it. And these same people tend to clearly see it in all other people we mutually know with an autism diagnosis. I know it’s stupid to go by the word of non-professionals, but I can’t help but notice just how often this happens, and how it doesn’t happen nearly as much to the other aspies I know (well, it does to a couple). But then they’ll comment on or criticize me for being clumsy, not getting jokes, taking everything too literally, obsessing over things, stimming, sensory issues, etc. Funny enough, a lot of the autistic people that many of my friends see as being obviously autistic don’t seem to have any of those symptoms I listed, oftentimes the only obvious symptom is their body language and poor self-awareness and reciprocity. So it’s almost like it doesn’t matter how many symptoms I actually have, there’s a certain autistic “vibe” that others can pick up in most people who have it, and if you have that vibe, you’re autistic in their eyes. If not, no. Supposedly my super literal thinking and all those other symptoms are just personality flaws of mine- even though they affect me in daily life. I even wear the same t-shirt everyday for crying out loud and spend hours a day playing the same song over and over. I know how dumb this must sound, and how it probably almost sounds like I WANT to be seen as having a disability, but I don’t think it’s that- I think it’s frustration at not being recognized as having the problems I have, as they are not seem as autism, simply flaws of mine. Also because it almost feels like I’m seen as an “other” amongst my autistic friends (although at least they’re actually my friends) just as much as I seem as an “other” amongst NTs (of whom I have very few friends). I never have felt like I belonged anywhere, as in, I was never really one of the group, and when I found out that supposedly my issues with that were due to autism, I was hoping that would change like it has for many people after being diagnosed. But no, even in groups of aspies, I’m not seen as one of them. And honestly, I’m starting to believe it. As official and thorough as my diagnosis is (what I listed above was just a summary at the end of my neuropsych eval), I’m honestly beginning to believe that I’m not autistic in the slightest, but am just a NT who’s bad at everything. In other words, just a loser. After all, people on the spectrum usually aren’t bad at everything, but sometimes I feel like I am.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this but this has really been bothering me lately and I can’t get it out of my head (I have OCD too, fyi). I guess I’m hoping that someone here will be able to give me some words to calm me down.

If I were you, I would be glad that I don’t exhibit apparent symptoms of autism.

It keeps you from being stigmatized at first glance.

I understand you want people to understand you, and that you’re irritated when people criticize you without understanding you. You feel lonely while feeling misunderstood. It’s not a good feeling to have, and I certainly don’t wish this feeling in you because I wouldn’t want this feeling in me.

Have you been affected by autism to the extent where you have difficulty keeping jobs, or making friends? If not, again, I would count myself somewhat fortunate, even amid feeling misunderstood.