my son brought a girl home today

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Caz72
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07 May 2022, 12:36 pm

my son is 17 next week(neurotypical ) and has never really talked about girls before or had a girlfriend but he has got really close to this girl he met at college and she came home with him and they just done homework together at the kitchen table

he keeps saying they're just friends not boyfriend and girlfriend but he keeps looking at his phone and wondering why she hasnt text him so i say well probably as you said your just friends so why would she always text but then he says his male friends always text but i said if she only his friend he neednt get too upset if she doesnt always text

i think he likes her in that way but she doesnt like him in that way only as a friend
i quite prefer him to be friends with a girl because she respects me instead of going all shy and awkward around me because im a hot mum as they say to my son

but teenage love and crushes is confusing for me so as a parent i just want some insight of how you deal with your teenage son first meeting girls?

please no judging and calling me a bad parents


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kraftiekortie
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07 May 2022, 4:41 pm

Sounds like a normal teenage boy to me….

You said he has a job at a pet store. Sounds like he’s not some hoodlum.

If he’s heterosexual, he’s going to like girls, and want to date. The thing to do is counsel him about protecting himself, and make sure he texts you where he is when he’s out on a date. You can’t stop him from wanting to date girls.

At least he’s 17 and not 14. I feel this will make it easier for you.



Fenn
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07 May 2022, 7:36 pm

My oldest son is 21. So far he has not figured out the first thing about dating, or even "liking" a girl. I have given him books on the subject. I have tried to bring up the subject in various ways and he shys away from me. I have suggested this is something he should talk to other people about. I have taken him to the section of the book store where they have books on this subject and pointed out that such things exist if he ever has questions and doesn't want to talk to his dad about it. I have said it is ok if he wants to talk to me I will always be willing to talk. I have told him he can talk to his mother if he feels more comfortable. He is not NT so even friends is very hard for him to figure out, and he experiences social anxiety. He really has two friends from grade-school (age 5 through 13) and high school (age 14 through 18). One is a girl and one is a boy. I thought the girl might "like-like" him, but it doesn't seem to have ever gone anywhere. He didn't really make any new friends in college. If he is actually thinking about it or doing something about it I am completely unaware of it.

I once tried to talk to my daughter (who is NT) about "flirting" and how "flirting" comes before "dating" - she got completely flipped out about it and tried to convince me I was telling her to "be a flirt". No amount of talk could convince her otherwise.

I am not NT.

Either I am really bad at this - or this is normal teenager behavior.

Or some combination of both.


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kraftiekortie
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08 May 2022, 6:00 am

^Do you know if your son feels sexual attraction at all? Maybe he doesn’t—and that’s okay. To me, were I his father, I would just sort of let it happen naturally; I wouldn’t push it. As long as he’s doing well in school and life, I would just leave that aspect alone. I believe it has to happen naturally, and that he shouldn’t be societally-expected to do what he doesn’t feel.

I’m autistic, and I started being attracted to girls (though not in the adult sense, of course—but sort of) when I was 5 years old. My mother taught me the biological aspects—and that’s about it. My father didn’t really teach me at all. It just happened. I started making out with girls at 14. I’m glad I was taught right about protection and all that.



Aspie1
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08 May 2022, 12:37 pm

Caz72 wrote:
my son is 17 next week(neurotypical )...
likes her in that way but she doesnt like him in that way only as a friend
i quite prefer him to be friends with a girl because she respects me instead of going all shy and awkward

Hmm... what gave you the idea that your son's lady friend isn't into him romantically? How to they interact when together? Obviously, they're not gonna make out (UK: snog) or put hands on inappropriate body parts when you're there. But do they play footsie? Do they hold hands? When it comes to a woman's feelings toward a man, anything and everything other than a resounding "yes!! !" is a "no". So unless you sneak a peak at them flirting sexually, assume they're just friends, flirting or not.

Even so, whatever you do, DO NOT laugh when your son talks about his lady friend. My own parents laughed at me mockingly when I talked about meeting girls back when I was in 8th grade; so did my therapist. That's when I learned I wasn't supposed to tell my parents or my therapist about the girls I was into. (Although, maybe it was their "subtle" way of telling me I was too ugly to meet girls to begin with.) I still NEVER tell my family about my dating life, even now as I'm pushing 40.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 08 May 2022, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fenn
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08 May 2022, 12:46 pm

I am not neurotypical - i am neuro-atypical. There are things i wish i had known and had been told when I was 5 or 14 or 21. There are things I was told that turned out to be false. There are things I had to research on my own, like building from an erector set. As a father I know if i don’t tell him things others will. Some of what he will be told will be wrong. The problem with sink or swim is that sometimes it results on sink. Human sexuality is a controversial subject - anyone who says it is not is not really paying attention or not being honest. There are a number of troublesome outcomes from the “just let it happen naturally” attitude. Some of them result in children dieing (and people trying to use words to hide that reality). Others in lives being changed forever. Some in children being born into familys unable to truly support them. Sometimes it is only heartbreak but “only heartbreak” can be pretty bad. Some commit suicide because of related internal and interpersonal conflicts. As a scientist and a Christian I reject the “relative truth” concepts being pushed these days. I don’t accept the “let it happen naturally” point of view. It only makes sense from an existential line of thinking - not a scientific line of thinking or a Christian line of thinking.

There are lots of outcomes that to me would be “sink”.

OP asked me to share my experience with my patenting of my children and I did. I think WP rules of good conduct allow me to do that. Much beyond that and I may be targeted as an anti-something bigot.

I hope my answer explains why “let it happen” is inconsistent with my parenting and is not taken as a personal offence by anyone. It really is a hot button topic for many.


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kraftiekortie
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08 May 2022, 2:58 pm

I wasn’t advocating “sink or swim.”

I was saying what I might do as a dad. I don’t believe a person who isn’t into sex or relationships should be encouraged towards either.

I happened to be into sex from a young age. My parents (especially my mother) told me I must make sure to protect myself. They were very impassive about my interest in girls. They just told me don’t make anybody pregnant. They weren’t really good listeners when I wanted to talk about girlfriends.

If I wasn’t into sex, I don’t believe they would have made a big deal about it—except for maybe a few side comments. I had trouble getting a girlfriend when I was about 19. My father noticed this, and asked me if I was gay. I bet my mother would have made comments about wanting grandchildren or something.



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08 May 2022, 6:50 pm

Congrats to your son! Mostly I think our role as parents is to be supportive and keep our noses out of it. He'll probably figure it out. :)



KimD
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08 May 2022, 7:50 pm

Fenn,

It's admirable that you are reaching out to your son and anticipating his needs. That's a good thing. In light of your frustration, though, I would like to suggest a few things:

Consider that, as Kraftie said, he's just not interested in sex--and that's fine.

Consider that he's interested in guys, and your previous discussions (or are you the only one talking?) may have led him to believe you'd disapprove, or at least lack understanding.

Either way, he's sending a strong message that he doesn't want to talk to you about it. Maybe someday he will want to, but maybe not. One thing's certain: keep pushing the issue, and he'll back away even further.



DW_a_mom
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08 May 2022, 11:02 pm

Caz72 wrote:
but teenage love and crushes is confusing for me so as a parent i just want some insight of how you deal with your teenage son first meeting girls?


I can simplify this for you: teenage (and young adult) sons generally don't want unsolicited advice, feedback or input from their moms about dating or girls. When he has a question or wants something from you, he will ask.

That said, I did lay ground rules for my son:

Never take advantage (get an affirmative yes for each step before engaging in anything)
Be considerate
Do not mislead
Be respectful
Practice safe sex (when the time comes)
Prioritize a person's heart over their looks.

I expect my son to be a "good guy," period. And, from feedback I've gotten, he has been.

He hasn't left me out in the cold totally, he does voluntarily talk to me about his relationships. But he gave me the message early on that it wasn't my business unless he wanted it to be. As long as he is acting within the ground rules, I can accept that.

I've been kind and friendly and open to every girl or young woman he has introduced me to, no assumptions or judgements. Some have been friends, some have been dates. I don't dig beyond what is offered. And that is exactly what he wants from me.

Keep it simple. Follow his lead.


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Fenn
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10 May 2022, 3:41 pm

I was telling a friend: as parents we often want all the good things we had growing up for our children, and none of the bad things. And we are often disappointed in both. I think this goes double for when our kids start dating (or don't - or might).


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