Being good at at most social skills, with ASD.

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FranzOren
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08 May 2022, 2:48 pm

I know that most people with ASD have hard time being good at deception and charm, but people like me are different.

I became good at being charm and deceptive. When I deceive people, they don't know that I am lying, even when I laugh after, because I use charm. I am developed some NT social skills, such as lying, charm, manipulating, tricking and brainwashing. I know this is strange, because I have ASD, but I don't fit the stereotype and exact diagnostic criteria of ASD that most people and professionals think of.



Joe90
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08 May 2022, 3:31 pm

I can lie and I understand the concept of lying. I've even got my own mum believing I had this bloke over at my house one time (the bloke existed of course but he never came to our house), and this was when I was even younger than I am now (about 19-20). Lying is easy and can feel natural to me when I have to lie, although usually I am honest in ways where I don't like hurting people (like I would never cheat on my partner).

Also if someone badmouths to me about someone else, I automatically know not to tell that person. My instinct just says ''listen but don't tell, as it could hurt their feelings''. I just automatically get the hint that what they're saying isn't meant to be repeated.

I do actually have a lot of social skills that come naturally. But I still can't make friends that easily, which is why I get so mad about it, because it's not like I lack a lot of social skills and I know I come across as neurotypical often.


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FranzOren
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08 May 2022, 3:36 pm

That makes sense.



funeralxempire
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08 May 2022, 4:12 pm

I used to believe I was much more capable of being successfully manipulative and deceptive than I ever genuinely was.

I used to believe I was much more charming than I actually am too.


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FranzOren
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08 May 2022, 4:46 pm

What do you mean more by that?

I think it is because we have more social skills than before, but it is nowhere near the same having all NT social skills.



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08 May 2022, 4:50 pm

I can lie very well provided I have enough time to prepare.

If I'm put on the spot I'm a hopeless lier even worse at deception.



FranzOren
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08 May 2022, 4:55 pm

That makes sense.



autisticelders
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09 May 2022, 5:20 am

I suspect that many of us have developed these sorts of skills when we find being direct and honest does not work in many situations. Particularly when we are children and at the absolute mercy of so many others who do not have good intentions toward us. Survival in real terms especially during our childhood might depend on how well we do this.


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09 May 2022, 5:30 am

autisticelders wrote:
I suspect that many of us have developed these sorts of skills when we find being direct and honest does not work in many situations. Particularly when we are children and at the absolute mercy of so many others who do not have good intentions toward us. Survival in real terms especially during our childhood might depend on how well we do this.


Great point, and one I really relate to.

I think NTs also rarely understand or even think there could be different social skills/values for autistic people. If we're considerate then we're told we're "too polite," but the alternative is that we have no manners. If we're direct then it's bad because NTs don't like it. It never occurs to them that it may be helpful, and different, for us. We're constantly told we lack empathy, as very different people tell us what we think and feel, instead of listening. And we're told we're selfish while being pressured to make sure our behavior always pleases NTs. This can only lead to odd, unhealthy coping mechanisms.



auntblabby
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09 May 2022, 5:46 am

having the mental horsepower/memory to keep one's stories straight across the population puts the kibosh to lying to people, a bit less challenging are omissions of facts, which many times can truly be due to forgetfulness.



Joe90
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09 May 2022, 7:59 am

I have a lot of social awareness and I can tell very easily if what I'm doing right or wrong by other people's reactions and body language, even if it's very subtle. It's just an instinct that I cannot explain here in words but I know that I have it. I always have had it. My social problem has always been not quite knowing what to do to make friends but it doesn't mean I wasn't oblivious to any signs.

I've worked hard on my approach and how I talk to people, etc, and I've come a long way but female friends still seem to ghost me and I never know why. They prefer other females to me. If there's me and 2 other females around my age, and none of us knew each other that well, they will always prefer each other over me (even if they have different personalities), even if I'm the one who was the first to make small talk or something.


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kraftiekortie
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09 May 2022, 8:02 am

I had to learn "social awareness" through living life. It certainly didn't come naturally.

I really had little "social awareness" even as a young adult. I've gotten better since then----but I'm still not all the way there. I still screw up sometimes. Even on WrongPlanet.



FranzOren
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09 May 2022, 8:03 am

That makes sense.



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09 May 2022, 8:29 am

At some point in time, I have had behaviors that might be defined as manipulation.
But my state makes it impossible for me to maintain any relevant plans for long.
So I avoid doing that.

Unless cornered, I don't lie. Its troubles are usually higher than its benefits.
Partial facts are more helpful than lies, if needed. But it would still be an act that upsets myself.

I know how to orchestrate emotional responses in texts so that I can express diametrically opposed views in opposing faction terms without attack.
As long as I'm allowed to read a lot of text within the community before "getting in".
That's enough for me to be active in an online community of male conservatives as an anatomical woman and a queer feminist, or pass a political leaning test as an anti-government leaner.


I don't think it's worth boasting about being able to do certain "operations" for a short period of time. It is usually prepared against unsuspecting targets. This is not a fair confrontation.

It can be called a "ability" if it can be maintained for a long time, stably obtain benefits, doesnt burden one's own psychology, even be applied to a majority of the population rather than a target that is itself vulnerable.
I have never been arrogant enough to think that I can predict an individual's reaction. And I also lack the nervous system function that steadily observes the reaction.
I obviously don't have that ability. Maybe you have.
Although you can choose if you really need to use it.


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Last edited by SkinnedWolf on 09 May 2022, 12:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

FranzOren
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09 May 2022, 8:48 am

That makes sense.



funeralxempire
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09 May 2022, 10:37 am

FranzOren wrote:
What do you mean more by that?

I think it is because we have more social skills than before, but it is nowhere near the same having all NT social skills.


I mean (likely due to ToM deficits) that I believed I was more successful at those things when in reality at least some of the time people understood I was being deceptive and just didn't bother to call me out or prove they had caught me.


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