How much to give up in a relationship?

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This is a pretty open ended question. I'd give up anything that I didn't want as much as my partner in my life. For example when I met my wife I collected the little toys they give away at McDonalds. I sold them because it was not a big deal for me. I loved heavy metal and she hated it. So it was non negotiable, I won't play it loud when she's in the house, but I go to metal festivals, still

If someone wants you to give up something that is a core of who you are, perhaps they are not compatible with you? But every relationship is a negotiation as two people learn to live together. If you love someone, you'll be happy to make some adjustments and if they love you, they won't ask you to lose things you love

Many decades ago, I was a champion sulker. I got rid of that behavior because it was as damaging to me as it was to my partner and to the relationship.

But when I was sulking, there was nothing much I could do about. Sort of like a meltdown. I was stuck.

What I think I wanted/needed and was trying to get from sulking was proof my partner loved me. (Not a very effective way, but there you have it.)

So I think the question might better be: what can I do now to help my partner feel my love for her (and giving up something is probably not it. A hollow victory in the end.)

Each person is different in terms of how they “hear” that you love her. It could be words, deeds, gifts, whatever. You can probably now google the question to get ideas.

So, I don’t think giving up is the issue. It’s more like adding to. I wish you both well.

1. Get to the core of issues. Issues themselves, are rarely the problem.
2. Focus on similarities.
3. Clearly communicate about concessions from both sides.

Whether giving up is the issue or not, in my opinion you should simply move forward i.e. plan to get married, I mean set a date and place and make the necessary practical arrangements. I happen to think marriage is more than just romance and happily ever after, it's also to some extent a business arrangement. You'll work out whatever needs to be worked out or not. But saying you're engaged but not acting decisively on that is a plan doomed to failure.

Maybe you think the two of you are too damaged to make a life together. This makes me think of all the Holocaust survivors who got married after WWII and created families. I'm talking about waking up every night screaming kind of damaged, but in their society, which remembered years of people trying to kill them, you just went forward with life.

My girlfriend does that cuz of her depression People who knew me would think someone like that would be a horrible match for me cuz I'm argumentative, impatient, demanding, controlling, needy, & easily angered but I actually find Cass easier to deal with than most anyone else. I know she's NOT doing that to intentionally hurt me & get her way. She does that cuz she's upset by the situation & she cant really help displaying it. I used to take it personally but I eventually learned that it's not about me, it's about her feeling horrible. I tend to be passive & let her make most of the decisions. I give my input but she gets the final say unless she tells me to decide. I care about her a lot more than I care about those decisions & outcomes. There are times when I'm majorly against a decision because I'm worried about her instead of caring how it would affect me. She says I'm more logical & level-headed about making decisions than she is & I think she's right. She's impulsive sometimes & sometimes she knows things are a bad idea but she feels she has to due to her OCD or feeling horribly guilty for not taking care of herself & putting herself 1st. We discuss things & she agrees with me that something she does/decides would have a certain negative outcome but she has to do it anyway & then she turns to me for support & I have to listen to her constantly b!tch & rant about it for a lot longer than most people would be that upset Things woulda gone a lot smother for the both of us if she woulda followed my input & she knew that when she made the decision but as the expression goes~ "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I hate her bing upset cuz I really love her & care about her but I realize that there's only so much I can realistically do. I'm doing most everything right for someone in my position & I need to follow my own advice about needing to take care of myself as well instead giving until I break & then blaming & taking it out on her.

^

After many years of repeating relationship failures, I finally learned that helping is only truly helpful when the person is willing to help themselves. I always look for broken partners with huge potential, It's what I do and have always done.

The difference now is that I have this one simple Idea which I always (try to) hold to:

I will offer you support but you must make the effort.
I will encourage you to be brave but I will not take your burdens upon myself.
I will love you unconditionally but I will not take responsibility for your happiness.
I will be there for you when I can but I also have needs.
I will travel down this path with you together, hand in hand, I may carry you for a while but you must learn to carry yourself.

I have been married for 10 years now and life is quite good.

Pretty much what I've been going for.

I would be inclined to sort out any problems beforehand. Getting married doesn't seem like it'll help.

It might also help to identify the sources of these expectations/compromises. Are they reasonable asks or unreasonable anxiety driven requests. If it's the latter then why and what can be done about it?

I do feel that partners should mostly add to each others lives. If not, then what is the overall benefit of that relationship? What I think is very difficult is accounting for that often sung about point: you don't know what you have until it is gone. I think part of the thinking behind that is that we all take certain things for granted in the other and so do not value those things. Another point to think about is that if you feel that your partner is net not adding to your life (or vice versa), then what can you do to make things better. My sense is that there are many relationships where things can be improved from their current status through clear and open and honest communication.

Tell me about it! She's gotten so much more demanding since we had a child.