How much to give up in a relationship?
How do you feel about giving up something per demand by your partner, when your partner is not able to provide you a reason that you are able to find rational?
Do you feel partners should (mostly) add to each other's lives, not take away?
This is a pretty open ended question. I'd give up anything that I didn't want as much as my partner in my life. For example when I met my wife I collected the little toys they give away at McDonalds. I sold them because it was not a big deal for me. I loved heavy metal and she hated it. So it was non negotiable, I won't play it loud when she's in the house, but I go to metal festivals, still
If someone wants you to give up something that is a core of who you are, perhaps they are not compatible with you? But every relationship is a negotiation as two people learn to live together. If you love someone, you'll be happy to make some adjustments and if they love you, they won't ask you to lose things you love
It's more like your partner sulks for days, clearly showing you that something is wrong, they will beat you up emotionally until you give in to whatever they don't like. Emotional extortion. Works every time.
Many decades ago, I was a champion sulker. I got rid of that behavior because it was as damaging to me as it was to my partner and to the relationship.
But when I was sulking, there was nothing much I could do about. Sort of like a meltdown. I was stuck.
What I think I wanted/needed and was trying to get from sulking was proof my partner loved me. (Not a very effective way, but there you have it.)
So I think the question might better be: what can I do now to help my partner feel my love for her (and giving up something is probably not it. A hollow victory in the end.)
Each person is different in terms of how they “hear” that you love her. It could be words, deeds, gifts, whatever. You can probably now google the question to get ideas.
So, I don’t think giving up is the issue. It’s more like adding to. I wish you both well.
_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain - Gordon Lightfoot
1. Get to the core of issues. Issues themselves, are rarely the problem.
2. Focus on similarities.
3. Clearly communicate about concessions from both sides.
_________________
I could try to be more "normal" but I hold myself to a higher standard!
Convention is the last refuge for the unimaginative! Oscar Wilde(ish)
Whether giving up is the issue or not, in my opinion you should simply move forward i.e. plan to get married, I mean set a date and place and make the necessary practical arrangements. I happen to think marriage is more than just romance and happily ever after, it's also to some extent a business arrangement. You'll work out whatever needs to be worked out or not. But saying you're engaged but not acting decisively on that is a plan doomed to failure.
Maybe you think the two of you are too damaged to make a life together. This makes me think of all the Holocaust survivors who got married after WWII and created families. I'm talking about waking up every night screaming kind of damaged, but in their society, which remembered years of people trying to kill them, you just went forward with life.
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,125
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
It's more like your partner sulks for days, clearly showing you that something is wrong, they will beat you up emotionally until you give in to whatever they don't like. Emotional extortion. Works every time.
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
After many years of repeating relationship failures, I finally learned that helping is only truly helpful when the person is willing to help themselves. I always look for broken partners with huge potential, It's what I do and have always done.
The difference now is that I have this one simple Idea which I always (try to) hold to:
I will offer you support but you must make the effort.
I will encourage you to be brave but I will not take your burdens upon myself.
I will love you unconditionally but I will not take responsibility for your happiness.
I will be there for you when I can but I also have needs.
I will travel down this path with you together, hand in hand, I may carry you for a while but you must learn to carry yourself.
I have been married for 10 years now and life is quite good.
_________________
I could try to be more "normal" but I hold myself to a higher standard!
Convention is the last refuge for the unimaginative! Oscar Wilde(ish)
The difference now is that I have this one simple Idea which I always (try to) hold to:
I will offer you support but you must make the effort.
I will encourage you to be brave but I will not take your burdens upon myself.
I will love you unconditionally but I will not take responsibility for your happiness.
I will be there for you when I can but I also have needs.
I will travel down this path with you together, hand in hand, I may carry you for a while but you must learn to carry yourself.
I have been married for 10 years now and life is quite good.
Pretty much what I've been going for.
_________________
Enjoy the silence.
Maybe you think the two of you are too damaged to make a life together. This makes me think of all the Holocaust survivors who got married after WWII and created families. I'm talking about waking up every night screaming kind of damaged, but in their society, which remembered years of people trying to kill them, you just went forward with life.
I would be inclined to sort out any problems beforehand. Getting married doesn't seem like it'll help.
It might also help to identify the sources of these expectations/compromises. Are they reasonable asks or unreasonable anxiety driven requests. If it's the latter then why and what can be done about it?
I do feel that partners should mostly add to each others lives. If not, then what is the overall benefit of that relationship? What I think is very difficult is accounting for that often sung about point: you don't know what you have until it is gone. I think part of the thinking behind that is that we all take certain things for granted in the other and so do not value those things. Another point to think about is that if you feel that your partner is net not adding to your life (or vice versa), then what can you do to make things better. My sense is that there are many relationships where things can be improved from their current status through clear and open and honest communication.
RetroGamer87
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Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,970
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Tell me about it! She's gotten so much more demanding since we had a child.
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The days are long, but the years are short
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