Maybe it’s denial

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For context, I'm 59. I was recently watching a TV show, "As We See it" about characters on the spectrum, and it really wasn't anything unusual, meaning they were characters I'd seen depicted before, but this time I recognized more of me in one of the characters. So I looked up Asperger's for the first time--I know that name isn't used clinically anymore--and the description was even more familiar to me.

I've spent the last two weeks taking every online test, AQ, Aspie, etc. I could find and kept getting similar results, "likely autistic" and one even stated I had "an over 90% probability of being diagnosed with Asperger's". I paid to take that test 5 times. I even tried adjusting my answers but the lowest score I got was "fairly prominent symptoms". Though I know I've always had social anxieties and difficulty relating to people; it also never held me back. I’ve traveled, gone to graduate school, and have full-time work. If I shared these results with some people, I'm sure they'd say, "that explains a lot." But I think most people would doubt it.

I don't know; the results just don't seem completely true to me, like a false positive, even if I do recognize some traits.

I was thinking of actually getting a real diagnosis, but at my age, I don't really see how it would make any difference. And more likely I'd be embarrassed by the process.

Anyway, I found this forum and thought I'd put this out there and get other opinions/experiences. Anyone else have a similar experience?

thanks

maybe it is denial, maybe you simply need more time to sort everything out!

I first considered I might be autistic about 5 years ago, took me at least 2 years of reading, self testing, looking at studies, blogs, books, forums, etc etc and asking all sorts of questions before I was pretty sure in my mind and heart that yes, I could be autistic.

I began to try to find diagnosis and had several false starts before finally finding a competent professional who had experience diagnosing older (elderly) adults for autism. What a relief to finally understand what had been happening all those sick sad and sordid years before!

I got insights and self understanding, I have been able to forgive myself and others for past events... nobody knew or understood "why, why, why". The answer was autism!

I have been able to make self accommodations to live a better life and have stopped trying to do things that give me anxiety, make me furiously frustrated, intensely sad or angry, etc.
I can say "sorry I already made plans for that time" when people expect me to do things that push my struggles to the limit, etc.

Take your time and sort it out. I started with the things that were the hardest for me and began to understand why, then I could figure out new ways to do that thing or figured out other things to do as alternatives. (family party at amusement park becomes cookout or a camp out or a trip to the sea shore or something else I tolerate better, for example)

Many times I just say sorry, give no excuses and sent a card, email, or give a phone call to the celebrating party instead. Nobody misses one person at a gathering of 100.

Especially if they have your assurances that you care and wish them well.

Those of us with many years of life behind us have more to sort than the youngsters. Give yourself time, cut yourself slack, exercise self care.

Everything looks completely different from the knowing side of autism. It is truly culture shock and does take time to adjust to that new perspective. glad you are here!

I reckon that a late dx is better than no dx - I got mine in my 50s

It is both a blessing and a curse
A blessing cos it answers so many questions. A curse cos it prompted me to re examine my whole life through the lens of the fresh info. A process that is only now starting to ease off

It's like I spent over 50 yrs throwing myself against a societal door that was unopenable
And now I have a better understanding of that door, and have stopped doing the throw thing

And that is freeing

To me, it feels a little like taking one of those MBTI type quizzes and finding out that I'm an introvert. Well, yes, I already knew that I'm not big on parties. Is this insight useful? It depends what you do with it.

Thanks. It has already made me re-examine my past, and I'm not too sure if it's been enlightening or casting a darker shadow. Now I got this idea in my head and I can't get it out. Have I been passing so well all these years that I've even fooled myself? I understand older generations have gone without the modern diagnostics and like them I had to develop my own coping mechanisms to get thru certain situations. As a child though, I got thru school relatively unscathed; besides being labeled the "loner" the "introvert" the "shy one", I didn't have many behavioral issues. I suppose that level of success is a matter of perspective, too.

Yes, yes to everything you wrote ... I've had to stop making excuses lately and simply say, no, I'm not going to a party (though COVID has been good cover ). So I've stopped throwing myself into those situation, too, whether I "should" be able to do it or not.

I used to know what role I was playing; now I'm frightened that I was wrong. Anyway, I know, too, this is a process and I'll get thru it one result or another. Thanks again

Over the decades I had become increasingly suspicious that there was some diagnosable difference between me and most other people. It never occurred to me that it might be Autism. I was 64 when my Dad happened to see a kid who was suspected of being Autistic and Dad noted that the kid was doing the same "weird" things I used to do. (The kid was doing them in 2018 and I would've been doing them in the 1950s so I must've made quite an impression on Dad!) With that hint, I and my bride consulted the Internet to learn about Autism. We were both surprised to see how well it described me!

However, my symptoms were mild (I had muddled through life with reasonable success despite them) so I wasn't sure. Maybe we were mistaken? Or, maybe I was almost Autistic but not enough so to qualify for the diagnosis? Or, maybe I really was slightly Autistic? I wanted to know for sure so I pursued a formal diagnosis.

Shortly before my 65^th birthday I received the formal diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild), with an additional note that I also satisfied the criteria previously associated with Asperger's Syndrome.

I was delighted! A decades-long mystery had been solved. I really did insist on picking up champagne on the way home from the Psychologist's office.

If I had gotten that kind of diagnosis when I was younger it might have been a problem. But I was happily, comfortably retired and happily married. The diagnosis has little practical value for me but it was still absolutely wonderful to understand my life so much better.

In case you decide to pursue a diagnosis you might need to be patient and persistent. From their web page I got the impression that the assessment might be covered by my insurance so I started by contacting my insurance company. They were immediately willing to help but clueless enough not to be good at helping. I suspect they do not see many adult autism assessments so don't know much about them. They gave me referrals that did not work and information that was wrong. This delayed things. Ultimately they partially covered the assessment (I was so happy about the diagnosis I almost didn't bother to submit for reimbursement so their money was just an extra bonus); with hindsight, I wonder if I had not been mislead by their bad information might they have covered more of the cost? But, I don't care. I was so happy with the diagnosis I would've been quite happy to bear the full cost myself.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it comes with happiness.