How is your relationship with your father?

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How is your relationship with your father?
Good 57%  57%  [ 17 ]
Bad 20%  20%  [ 6 ]
Bad then Good 17%  17%  [ 5 ]
Good then bad 7%  7%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 30

klanka
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10 May 2022, 11:41 am

Discuss



IsabellaLinton
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10 May 2022, 12:23 pm

My dad passed away many years ago but we were very close.
He and I were very similar in our traits.
We didn't talk much because we were both mute / introverted but we understood each other on a core level.
It's like we had an intuition about each other.
He was almost certainly on the spectrum.
I get all my characteristics from him (physical as well as emotional).



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 1:03 pm

My dad was the "amiable dad" type for the most part.

He was somewhat of a disciplinarian when I was a young child----but when he separated from my mother, he became a sympathetic figure. He taught me to ice skate and to bowl. He would come for me once a week, and we would have pizza and go bowling or ice skating. I didn't care that there wasn't much "variety" in what we were doing.

We never got close in an emotional sense, though. He sort of backed away from that stuff. And maybe I did, too.



IsabellaLinton
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10 May 2022, 1:10 pm

My dad taught me how to boat, skate, and knit.
He loved cats and sunshine (travel, beaches, pool parties, Hawaiian stuff)
He was an engineer who could build or fix anything.
He was also a talented artist.
He never owed a penny in debt.
He never went to a movie theatre except for the drive-in.
I don't think I saw him read a book once in his life.
He was bullied as a child but grew up to be a great man.
He died a hero. Literally.



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 1:16 pm

My father was pretty much the "regular businessman" type.

He was well-regarded by his co-workers.

He was modest to a fault; I never knew he even went to college. Turns out he had 3 years at Baruch, before dropping out to take care of us. We had a sort of famous family member named Max. He can be found all over the Internet now. He was a ragtime/early jazz composer. My father never mentioned that aspect of him; he was just "Uncle Max." Max passed away when I was about 9 months old.

He was a great dad to me when I was young; I didn't know he was "irresponsible" or whatever. I didn't care, either. He had a notion that I wasn't going to make it in life----but I did sort of make it in life----and he was proud of that.



IsabellaLinton
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10 May 2022, 1:39 pm

He was really anxious about my wedding because it made him very emotional.
He wanted to walk me down the aisle and host a beautiful event.
He was afraid of making his speech at the reception, because he had a speech problem.
It kept him awake for weeks prior to the wedding.
I told him he didn't need to make a speech, but he felt it was important.

On my wedding day he walked me down the aisle chewing gum.
I didn't notice at the time but it's so cute in the video.
He was so nervous he likely forgot to discard it.
He looked so proud of me.
It chokes me up to this day.

At the reception speech, his voice cracked on the first word.
Some of the guests chuckled a bit in a compassionate way.
He got so flustered he walked away from the microphone crying.
He thought they were laughing at him.

He always put me first, his whole life, no matter what.
He made so much sacrifice for me.
I meant the world to him.

These were our father-daughter dances.
They may seem corny or clichéd, but they still make me bawl my eyes out.





Through the Years - Kenny Rogers


I can't remember when you weren't there
When I didn't care for anyone but you
I swear we've been through everything there is
Can't imagine anything we've missed
Can't imagine anything the two of us can't do
Through the years, you've never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found
I've found with you, through the years
I've never been afraid, I've loved the life we've made
And I'm so glad I've stayed, right here with you
Through the years

I can't remember what I used to do
Who I trusted, whom I listened to before
I swear you've taught me everything I know
Can't imagine needing someone so
But through the years it seems to me
I need you more and more
Through the years, through all the good and bad
I knew how much we had, I've always been so glad
To be with you, through the years
It's better every day, you've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you

Through the years, when everything went wrong
Together we were strong, I know that I belonged
Right here with you ... through the years
I never had a doubt, we'd always work things out
I've learned what love's about, by loving you

Through the years, you've never let me down
You've turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found
I've found with you ... through the years
It's better everyday, you've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you
Through the years





Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler


It must have been cold there in my shadow
To never have sunlight on your face
You were content to let me shine, that's your way
You always walked a step behind
So I was the one with all the glory
While you were the one with all the strength
A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain

Did you ever know that you're my hero
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
It might have appeared to go unnoticed
But I've got it all here in my heart
I want you to know I know the truth
Of course I know it
I would be nothing without you

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be
I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be
I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings

Fly, fly, fly away, you let me fly so high
You are the wind beneath my wings
You, you the wind beneath my wings
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky
So high I almost touched the sky
Thank you, thank you
Thank God for you
The wind beneath my wings


The last words I ever said to him were "Fly away home".
He passed away on Christmas Eve with me at his side.
My mother stayed home to clean the house because that was more important.


OK now I'm crying.



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 2:01 pm

Sounds like a lovely Dad, indeed......



IsabellaLinton
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10 May 2022, 2:19 pm

After he died I had a dream that we were dancing at a wedding again.
I think the idea is that it was my daughter's (future) wedding.
It was one of those dreams that was so real, I can't believe it was a dream.

He was singing this in my ear.
I could even smell him.
It was so real.





All that I need is to be left to live my way
So listen what I say
You're the best thing that ever happened to me or my world
I could chase around, there's nothing to be found
But why look for something that is never there?

I may get it wrong sometimes but I'll come back in style
I realise your love means more than anything
This song, you make me sing
You're the best thing that ever happened to me or my world
You're the best thing that ever happened, so don't go away



Takatomon
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10 May 2022, 2:21 pm

My Dad was abused by his Dad (Mentally and got the belt a lot) So he was... not nearly as bad (from what I gather) but still a little abusive. But I was the youngest of 4, and my mom divorced him (Er or when we moved out) when I was just about to turn 8, so I didn't remember much, but still had a hard time when I would visit after.

But in the last years he has mellowed way down, and I'm glad.



Lost_dragon
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10 May 2022, 4:24 pm

I'd say that we have a good relationship. My dad is...an unusual character. Those who don't know him tend to think he's a little intimidating but he's not scary. He just looks annoyed. That's his resting face. He's rather interest-driven and a bit of a loner. Not really the type to do anything casually. Once he's developed an interest he tends to become obsessive and focused on the subject. Easily stressed and very much the opposite of spontaneous. I have fond memories of car journeys together. He enjoys teaching me about topics of interest and approaching me with hypotheticals. The situations he speculates about tend to be a little morbid at times. Both of my parents seem to lack an understanding of dinnertime conversation. I'd argue my dad is worse. No topic is off the table. Which is unfortunate when you're trying to eat and your dad thinks it's great time to talk about a graphic injury or surgery. You get used to it though.

He has an odd...well, let's say casual approach to serious topics. I remember I was putting away dishes one time and he threw a chocolate bar at my forearm and said "I hope you remember me fondly when I die", and then left with absolutely no context. I started awkwardly laughing because the abruptness of it just completely caught me off guard. He wasn't being passive aggressive, I think that was a genuine statement. My dad's never been the type for gushy sentiment. When he wants to have a more emotional conversation it tends to be abrupt with a sort of awkward humour which I'm not sure how I could describe. Deadpan perhaps, I guess you could say. Very straight-forward.


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ToughDiamond
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10 May 2022, 4:40 pm

He's long been dead, but I remember how my relationship with him was.

As a child it was very good on the whole. He did a lot for me and really seemed to understand how I ticked. My mother was terribly critical of me, negative and restrictive, so at the side of her he seemed like a saint.

Later on our relationship became a lot more acrimonious. He'd always got on well with younger kids but rather disliked teenagers. And I had some of the bad traits that teenagers often have, like being unreasonably rebellious and kind of narcissistic.

I suppose the "generation gap" never completely went away after I'd fully grown up. For a long time I thought my generation was better than the previous ones, and I didn't have much time for older people. And Dad could be pretty annoying and overbearing. He was very likely an Aspie himself, and although he got on very well with a few carefully-selected individuals, he wasn't generally very popular and disliked a lot of people.

He often forced conversation onto his special interests and it was an effort for him to take any interest in the things that mattered to other people. And he could be very "mind-blind" and often committed uncomfortable social gaffes. None of us knew anything about ASD in those days and he was rather overconfident socially, and tended to dominate by talking too much and putting people off. So it was rather a strain to be with him for very long. I didn't visit him very often and when I did, I felt the need to keep him rather at arm's length, so we never really got close again after my childhood had ended. Our special interests were poles apart. He didn't think much to mine and I didn't think much to his.

It's all rather a shame that it was like that, and I used to feel guilty and sorry for him. But I never managed to solve it. At least the memory of his behaviour later served as a warning of the effect I could have on people if I didn't learn to temper my ASD traits. Certainly in my youth I made a lot of mistakes that were very similar to his.



kraftiekortie
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10 May 2022, 4:45 pm

Your father is a doctor, LostDragon?



Lost_dragon
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10 May 2022, 5:19 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Your father is a doctor, LostDragon?


He's not a doctor. Rather, he just has a morbid scientific interest in following medical news and describing surgeries that he has experienced.


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firemonkey
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10 May 2022, 5:25 pm

When I was very young he used to make up bedtime stories. As his marriage to my mother got worse and worse he became more and more of a 'I'm the head of the house and you'll do what I say or else' type of father.
In 1981 he went to serve as British consul general in Atlanta. Since then I've seen him roughly once a year. In 1985 when his posting ended he chose to take early retirement,and stay in Atlanta, rather than take a posting as ambassador to Gabon. He remarried in 1987 to a good Jewish woman, and became a lot more laid back.

He still doesn't really know how to be with me and will pass me over to my stepmother rather quickly so she can speak with me. He talks to my sister far more often than he does to me. She's the only one of three of us that's had a good, professional ,career.

.. We do have a mutual interest in family history/genealogy .My paternal ancestors though have been harder to trace than my maternal ones

He'll be 92 next month and is still mentally much sharper than the average person. Physically he's quite frail, which is to be expected.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 133 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 47 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


funeralxempire
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10 May 2022, 5:29 pm

Somewhat distant.
He's also likely autistic although that wasn't considered until my diagnosis process started.


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Joe90
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10 May 2022, 5:47 pm

My father? It's OK I guess. Healthy. Ordinary. He's a man of few words but I love him as a daughter.

Sometimes I wonder if he has ADHD. He's not loud or hyper or anything but he can be disorganised without wanting to be, has known to put his interest in football first before family (but not in a bad way), can be impulsive, lacks motivation and focus (unless it's football), and often loses keys and stuff. His lack of responsibility seems to be from difficulty prioritizing and organising himself, not because he doesn't care. Deep down I know he cares a lot about things but can't always handle facing up to responsibilities. As a person with diagnosed ADHD myself, I know when I see another person with ADHD, and since I've been diagnosed I have figured out that my dad does show traits of it.


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