Do you feel MISUNDERSTOOD?

Post Reply New Topic

Do you ever feel that you are being misunderstood? Everything that you say is interpreted the wrong way.

Well you may be right.

And it may have to do with the way you look at people.

I am an Aspie and I do not look at peoples eyes. I do not have eye-to-eye contact. I do not know why I look the way I look but I suspect that many Aspies also do the same. Not all but many. It may be more prominent in males than in females.

Eye-to-eye contact is an important way that individuals are judged. Most people look others in their eyes when they speak. But if they look you in the eyes and see that you are not looking them back, they automatically assume that you are dishonest.

It probably goes well beyond dishonest. They feel you are are the definition of evil, you are a lier, one who cannot be trusted. And it goes well beyond that.

So do you look at people directly into their eyes when you talk to them?

I usually don't consciously----but I sometimes make an effort to make eye contact.

As you know, in certain cultures, making eye contact can be interpreted as a challenge-----but not in "western" culture.

I've read some information about communication, which said that your non-verbal components such as body language, eye contact, tone of voice, are far more important than what you say. So pretty much non-verbal communication is everything. Whatever you say, people will try to guess what you really think based on your non-verbal cues. That's why autistic people have difficulty in communicating even if they are being honest and polite.

I'm often taken as being rebellious/grumpy/aggressive when I think I'm being absolutely polite, resulting in me not even having a chance to communicate.

The Animals got it right when it came to Aspies/Autistics:

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good....oh Lord....please don't let me be..MISUNDERSTOOD."

I corrected it----I did the post so fast-----that I forgot to correct it!

Good one!

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

It’s rush hour on the subways of New York City. People are jammed together, forced to physically invade each other’s personal space for an entire journey. New Yorkers know the only way to cope is to avoid looking at anyone’s eyes. Thus, we create a psychological barrier to communication, a protective shield of intentional indifference. It’s a powerful demonstration in reverse of a vital element of human communication: eye contact.

That’s why one of the primary rules in Toastmasters is to “speak to people’s eyes.” The importance of speaking eye to eye with your listener goes without question: It’s hard to trust someone who won’t look you in the eye.

Source: https://www.toastmasters.org/magazine/a ... eye-to-eye

Frequently I feel misunderstood

Plenty of precious lil "people" have had the nerve to tell me that I made too little eye contact. Plenty of precious lil "people" have had the nerve to tell me that I failed to make sufficient eye contact. (In so many words)

Plenty of precious lil "people" have had the nerve to tell me that I used the wrong facial expressions (in so many words)

There is something wrong with everything

You can't satisfy everyone, and even if you could, then what? (Whooptie do)

Nobody measured the (angle of curvature) of my ugly fat intellectually challenged head

Nobody recorded my wrongful nonverbal communication, with a video camera

Their nonverbal communication was not always as great as they acted like it was

Some precious lil "people" fail to "pick your battles". Instead, they pick (all) the battles

They act like they have a moral right to veto anything, just because they don't like it

They act like they have a moral right to be happy at all times, and whenever they are not happy, that proves someone (disrespected) them

They enjoy micromanaging and gossipping about anyone they don't like,....

Making eye contact comes naturally to me so I don't have this problem. The reason I'm misunderstood is for different reasons mentioned in the OP. I'm often misunderstood because most people can't put themselves in my shoes (contradicts to the whole NTs and empathy thing) when I'm feeling anxious about things. Like when I get agoraphobic people think I'm just being lazy or that I need to get out more. Agoraphobia comes and goes with me. It's caused by social anxiety attacks that can't be "cured" through exposure.

Several years ago I came to the conclusion that because I do not give eye-to-eye contact, that I have suffered all forms of grief in my life. I know that sounds strange. But most NTs will immediately judge you within a second or two. If you fail to look them directly into their eyes when you communicate, they automatically come to the conclusion that you are NOT TO BE TRUSTED. I know that many Aspies will find this view very strange but give it a test and prove to me that I am wrong.

I purchased a pair of one-way sunglasses. They allowed me to see out but others could not see my eyes. The results were amazing. I wore these special sunglasses when I went to store or when I was walking about the neighborhood. When I wore these glasses, sometimes strangers in the street would come up to me and begin conversations or ask me for advice. This never happened to me before. It was almost like I had become a different person.

Yes, but I am an adult, so I can do things to change how others see me. I read books on body language and clothes and can figure out if things fit, and I socialize with people who have similar interests to myself so we have something to talk about, so it's usually no big deal.

It's my son that I worry about. He really is just misunderstood. For example, he loves animals. He gets upset if I kill a spider and insists on catch-and-release. He became a vegetarian the day he found out where meat comes from (we're not a vegetarian family, so we didn't pressure or try to convince him of this). He says that animals do not want to be eaten. He loves cats and goes out every day to pet the outdoor cats in our neighborhood.

He used to be afraid of dogs because they can be unpredictable and he (like many aspies,) was afraid of getting licked, but he has learned that he can be around nice dogs without getting licked. Once when he was playing with my mom's dog he was testing this by putting his hand near the dog to see if it would lick him and then pulling it back because he was nervous. It wasn't the best motion to be doing in front of a dog's face, but his intentions were entirely innocent. Well, my mom saw, and thought he was threatening the dog and got very upset. (Like many NTs, she has absolutely s**t theory of mind.) More recently we were dog sitting for my mom and while returning from a walk, the dog got underfoot (there were six of us plus the dog trying to get in the doorway at once) and he stepped on the dog. He was obviously sorry and had no intention of hurting the dog--he's just clumsy. He hurts himself all the darn time, for what it's worth. The dog was not seriously hurt, btw, but my mother got so upset about it that she has stopped seeing him at all, but still invites his siblings over 2x a week.

(And, yes, I've tried to explain that it was an accident, but she's still upset because the dog is her "favorite person in the world." Uh, thanks, Mom.) Anyway, he's sad about not seeing his grandma anymore, but I can't insist that she see him when she's still upset at him--I'd rather she be upset at him from a distance than in person. It just sucks.

You know what really grinds my gears? My mother has a PhD in special ed! She should know better!

Aww. And what a beautiful dog! It sounds like you do a great job with your pets.

I really want to get my son a cat, but I strongly suspect his brother is allergic (poor kid is allergic to everything).

Yes...All the time. The younger I was, the worse it was. The older I am, the less of a problem it is... Time can often change things. But then, I often believe that sooo many people (NT or ND) ANYONE that is alive...Often can feel misunderstood. Its a human condition. Shakespeare wrote about it, and all the way back to the Ancient Egyptians.
(I am just inserting some light humor...Not trying to be rude.)
Warmly,
Jackie

>>>>It's my son that I worry about. He really is just misunderstood. For example, he loves animals. He gets upset if I kill a spider and insists on catch-and-release. He became a vegetarian the day he found out where meat comes from (we're not a vegetarian family, so we didn't pressure or try to convince him of this). He says that animals do not want to be eaten. He loves cats and goes out every day to pet the outdoor cats in our neighborhood.

I believe this is to Pteranomom, the one who has the son who loves animals??? Don't worry about the people. Seriously. I am ASD my son (now 35) is ASD. I have run large breed dog rescues, and shown dogs and did all kinds of things and he got involved with me. If your son loves animals, he can volunteer at the local animal shelter! I have done it, you can clean cages, or take dogs for walks or brush cats...It's a fun place where he can learn to feel VALUED and that he is doing and important JOB...If he is too young, then BOTH of you sign up....Or, I see you already have a great dog, maybe he can get involved in doing something special with her?

I am very pro-advocate of children and animals growing up together.
Warmly,
Jackie

My eyesight is weak and as a result I wear glasses. Several years ago I began to experiment with a special type of sunglasses. They contained both mirrored and polarized lenses. I just visited my optometrist and told him what I wanted and I obtained a pair of these unique glasses. It was amazing to wear these glasses because they almost changed me from an Aspie to an NT. Strangers on the street would come up to me and begin conversations. This never happened before during my life. It allowed me the chance to see how the other half of the world lives. It was a unique experience.

https://blog.eyeconic.com/fashion-and-t ... r-you.html

Mirrored sunglasses feature a reflective lens coating that keeps a significant amount of light from reaching your eyes. Also known as flash lenses, they provide a clear view of your surroundings while keeping your eyes hidden behind a one-way mirror. In addition to blocking more light than most sunglasses, mirrored sunglasses look cool and futuristic. Mirrored sunglasses get their signature look from a very thin reflective coating that’s applied to the lenses. This coating can be made of metal or other advanced materials.

Mirrored and polarized lenses are two different technologies, but they can be combined to create mirrored polarized sunglasses. The difference between lenses is subtle but important and boils down to glare.

While any pair of sunglasses will cut back on glare, polarized lenses are engineered to provide the best glare protection. If glare is a major concern (like if you spend a lot of time near water or snow) you can opt for lenses that are both mirrored and polarized for maximum protection from the sun’s rays.

Some people like the one-way mirror effect because it lends anonymity to your appearance. In the case of certain professions, like police officers, the person may not want others to know where they’re looking.

There is a major advantage for those Aspies who rarely do eye-to-eye contact to wear these types of lenses. It essentially hides the fact that we do not look people directly into their eyes. IT MAKES US NORMAL. Well not completely NORMAL but as close as one can get if they suffer from this trait of not looking people directly into their eyes.