Depressed

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I feel so dead inside and I'm back to binge eating. Tomorrow I'm going to contact an affordable place that does eating disorder help and see what they say. Today my therapist suggested I find someone else as she thinks this might not be the best fit in terms of giving me the progress I need. I'm terrified to change but also don't want to stay if she will always have that in the back of her mind. I've had therapists in the past project their beliefs on to me, not actually listening to what I'm saying.

I can't even cry. I'm in a lot of pain too. The general constant burning and ache are here as always but my gut isn't happy at all. How could I not see this coming? Who would have thought suddenly eating fruit and veg after basically eating cake and cheesecake for most of your meals for weeks would be a shock to the gut? I'm so bloated and gross.

Of course this was triggered by me realising I was losing weight again. Despite my conscious mind wanting to be able to find myself pretty/attractive, my subconscious is intent of destroying that. After all, that is terrifying and after a recent incident at work where a customer asked to marry me and reached out for me, its been cemented in my mind that on that path lies danger. It was very scary and I broke down and tbh, I think it plays a big part in why I've just completely become so miserable. The ADHD diagnosis has also brought up a lot of emotions. I don't understand why no one looked into it when my audio attention score was around the 0.2 percentile. To think I've spent all this time feeling like a worthless mess because of it.

Lastly, feeling like I'm getting signs is NOT helping. I see anything related to mothers or death and my brain says it is warning me my mum is going to die and if I mess up, I'm bringing it faster :/ . It's why I'm not self harming bc if I do, I feel I'll shorten her life

Just trying to hang in there and not self harm : (

You could do with stability.

Is there something good that never changes? Grab hold of it or visit it if it is a place... Something you can relate to.

I know it’s quite aggravating for a guy to impose upon you in that way, asking you to marry him.

But I would find it’s a heck of a lot better than you thinking you’re too ugly to be loved.

I’m glad you’re reaching out for help.

There have been three times someone has shown interest me. The first one was 100% planning ti harm me as they wanted me to follow them into the back of an empty park, and the last two were severly mentally ill men who were yelling at me. Doesn't make me feel very loveable ;-; but we move. I've decided recently that I probably want to be alone anyway because I have a lot of trauma surrounding relationships and men. I think I would only draw in deeply disturbed individuals anyway.

Also thank for the well wishes, you have nice responses to my posts : )

Ooo I'll try to figure something out. I think nature is that for me. I am thinking of volunteering at my nearby nature park.

Go for it and enjoy!