Is not making an effort a reason for me being single ?

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chris1989
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23 May 2022, 11:44 am

I seem to feel like not making an effort is the reason for being single long-term because I'm not really the type of person that always went to a bar, pub, or other social environment as I don't prefer going on my own or with the few friends I have as they are not the going-out-for-a-drink types. So my weekends or days of work are sometimes at home with my hobbies and stuff while other people are getting hammered. I did do volunteering but don't really intend to want to do it again because its as though I'd like to meet people in an environment who are my age or a bit younger and not come across like they are autistic whereas many voluntary sectors have older people there or people with disabilities or conditions more severe than me. I seem to think the reason for that is that I've been in environments in the past such as school surrounded by other people with Aspergers, autism or other conditions that it is as though I'm bored of that now and want to be around other people who don't seem to have those conditions and are more social. I remember my dad got me into a club once to meet people but there were people with Down Syndrome and other conditions more severe than me and there and I didn't really feel like I ''belonged'' there so after two or three visits we stopped going without really getting in touch with anyone. It also made me feel that because there were helpers working with them there that it made me feel in some way like I couldn't look after myself a bit like a child.



klanka
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23 May 2022, 11:49 am

It's almost impossible to say why you are single.



Joe90
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23 May 2022, 5:05 pm

Quote:
. I remember my dad got me into a club once to meet people but there were people with Down Syndrome and other conditions more severe than me and there and I didn't really feel like I ''belonged'' there so after two or three visits we stopped going without really getting in touch with anyone


I was made to join one of those clubs when I was a teenager. My mum got me in, and I felt like the most "normal" teenager there. She thought I'd make lots of friends to hang out with and even meet a boyfriend, but, um, it wasn't exactly like that. I even went on a weekend trip with them and it was the most embarrassing time of my life. It wouldn't have been embarrassing if I was one of the volunteers helping out, as that would have been cool, but because I was classed as one of the disabled ones, I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't make friends at all, because none of them were capable of even knowing the meaning of the word "friend". So I just dragged myself around with them, feeling lonely and homesick.


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kraftiekortie
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23 May 2022, 5:23 pm

I never "go out for drinks."

I have a wife.

You should make more friends who are not interested in going to bars every weekend. There are people like that, believe it or not.



Fnord
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24 May 2022, 8:40 am

klanka wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
Is not making an effort a reason for me being single?
It's almost impossible to say why you are single.
There may be many reasons for still being single:

• There are not many eligible women in your community.
• They are not ready.
• You appear defensive or "on guard".
• You appear desperate.
• You appear immature or irresponsible.
• You appear intimidating (i.e., angry, hostile, or mean).
• You appear to have low self-esteem.
• You are not "out there" enough.
• You are not "out there" in the right places at the right time.
• You are not ready.
• You are too nice.
• You are too passive.
• You do not like the idea of online dating.
• You do not really want a relationship right now (deep down inside).
• You have not yet met the right person.
• You have set higher priorities for other things.
• You would rather be alone than be in the wrong relationship.
• Your expectations are unrealistic.
• Your standards are unrealistic.



The_Face_of_Boo
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24 May 2022, 8:48 am

We shall give Fnord a new name: The list man.


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kraftiekortie
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24 May 2022, 8:55 am

If you really want to remain single, then remain single. Don't let "society" dictate your life choices.



nick007
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30 May 2022, 2:58 am

Lots of people including more than a few on this forum, tell others that they'll find love 1ce quit trying to find it. That is one of those clueshay sayings & will not work if the person never puts themselves in environments where they can meet others. You don't need to go to bars/clubs/pubs to meet a partner thou, especially if you are a guy seeking a woman. There tends to be a lot more guys at bars interested in relationships & hookups than women doing so. Going to bars to find someone will be a meat market like it is on most dating sites. Some guys do luck out at bars but plenty do not. There is a poster in this section who's special interest is going to bars partly to meet someone & I highly doubt that he's ever gotten a relationship or a hookup & he also sometimes gets himself into trouble :( He'd might have much better luck if he replaced going to bars with another method of socializing :chin: Chris, perhaps you could find a way to meet people by a shared common interest. Maybe there's a group in your area offline or online or an online group that is not specific to your area but still might have some women in your area. You could also try dating sites, dating sites are a lot easier & cheaper than going to bars is for people who are more introverted. That said if you do not want a relationship, that's OK. Plus you may need to be friends with someone to develop an interest in having a relationship with them or wanting any romantic relationship at all; I've had to be friends with my 1st girlfriend before I was interested in having any romantic relationship.


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Muse933277
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30 May 2022, 5:31 am

When you're a man, you have to put in the effort to try and find a mate. It's kind of like looking for a job; do the jobs come looking for you? Probably not, you have to go look for them and really put in an effort. It's the same with dating when you're a man because most of the time (unless you're a really good looking high value guy) most women aren't going to pursue you first.



Muse933277
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30 May 2022, 5:34 am

Whoever is telling you "you'll find love when you stop looking for it" is most likely a woman, because this advice generally speaking, only works for women, who have the luxury of simply waiting for guys to approach them. Remember, women have a COMPLETELY different dating experience compared to men, so a lot of their advice only really applies to them, and people tend to give advice based on what works for them, not necessarily for other people.

Instead, for the typical guy, you'll find love when you actively pursue it and put in the effort to find someone.



Muse933277
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30 May 2022, 6:02 am

Sometimes it's not you, it's the environment you're looking in. You can be a great painter but if there is no want or need for painters in your environment, then you're out of luck. You have to go to places where people want painters, or even need them.

What does this have to do with dating? Well I think you should look in places where the type of person you are, women will like those kind of men. As an example, if you're a devoutly religious guy, the type of women who would want a guy like you would mostly congregate at a church. If you're a huge gamer, well then look in places where women might find gamer guys attractive such as gaming cons, or even online. If you're autistic, well maybe consider looking for autistic girls. Don't change who you fundamentally are, instead try to find women who like the same things you do or at least are okay with what you like.



kraftiekortie
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30 May 2022, 9:23 am

I did find love when I stopped “looking for it.” I was stymied while I actively sought a girlfriend.

I emphasized other things other than “the pursuit of a girlfriend.” This lead to my relative success.

Finding love can be one’s ultimate ambition—but one must also cultivate interests which do not involve this “pursuit.”



cyberdad
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30 May 2022, 4:44 pm

I tend to agree with Fnord that there maybe multiple reasons why one ends up single.

When I was single over long periods I lacked something many here have access to which is a community of supportive of your situation and others who can relate.

Having the wisdom of age I can say (at least for me) that I "over-catastrophised" being single. It was not that bad. I think it's important to make some effort but the secret is not to have high expectations or lose control when things aren't going your way.

Something I wish I focused on was how to maintain friendships with supportive and genuine people, Looking back I tended to make everything about me. The secret formula is to have a relaxed mind and let things happen. Certainly make some effort but focus on friendship and you may be surprised how circumstance leads you to longer term and comfortable/stable relationships,

I can tell you the hardest thing is changing your mindset. It is often entangled with who you are. I myself found my negative mindset entangled with my personality but it never had to be.



nick007
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30 May 2022, 6:32 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Whoever is telling you "you'll find love when you stop looking for it" is most likely a woman, because this advice generally speaking, only works for women, who have the luxury of simply waiting for guys to approach them. Remember, women have a COMPLETELY different dating experience compared to men, so a lot of their advice only really applies to them, and people tend to give advice based on what works for them, not necessarily for other people.

Instead, for the typical guy, you'll find love when you actively pursue it and put in the effort to find someone.
I've seen guys give that advice before, even here on this forum :( I was not looking for a relationship with my 1st girlfriend but I was desperately seeking one when I got my 2nd & then my current. So in general I agree about actively pursing but I think woman should as well if they don't have guys who are coming on to them.


Muse933277 wrote:
Sometimes it's not you, it's the environment you're looking in. You can be a great painter but if there is no want or need for painters in your environment, then you're out of luck. You have to go to places where people want painters, or even need them.

What does this have to do with dating? Well I think you should look in places where the type of person you are, women will like those kind of men. As an example, if you're a devoutly religious guy, the type of women who would want a guy like you would mostly congregate at a church. If you're a huge gamer, well then look in places where women might find gamer guys attractive such as gaming cons, or even online. If you're autistic, well maybe consider looking for autistic girls. Don't change who you fundamentally are, instead try to find women who like the same things you do or at least are okay with what you like.
That's kinda the approach that ended up working for me so I think it's good advice for most anyone wanting a relationship who is not having good luck.


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kraftiekortie
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30 May 2022, 6:44 pm

I cannot expect a woman to actively pursue me.

I’m not the type that women really dig enough for them to swallow their pride and pursue me. I’m about the height of an average adult woman.

If I expected a woman to pursue me, I would never, ever have had a relationship.

It was really difficult for me to ask a girl out on a date in high school. I stuttered like crazy. She said “yes,” but that was my only date with her.



cyberdad
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31 May 2022, 1:50 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I
It was really difficult for me to ask a girl out on a date in high school. I stuttered like crazy. She said “yes,” but that was my only date with her.


Talking to girls in highschool was terrifying enough. I would never had dreamed of asking one of my classmates for a date. That would have guaranteed torture for the remainder of my highschool.