I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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DuckHairback
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10 Sep 2022, 3:56 pm

This has been exactly my experience too. In the past when I have had what i thought of as 'friends' they have never ever come to me for my company. I've sometimes mistaken work colleagues for friends and been very disappointed when they aren't interested in seeing me outside of work.

Since going freelance I really don't have any friends. I have a partner and a daughter who I talk to, obviously, but no friends at all.

I used to go to a hobby group and I thought some people there had become friends. Since that group disbanded years ago I've, on a couple of occasions tried to see some of them and its actually happened once or twice but only because I've pushed for it - I know that none of them would ever contact me to meet. Which means they aren't actually friends, right?

A long time ago my mother told me that her mother (my Nan) had said she didn't know how I felt about her. She couldnt tell if I liked her or hated her or what. I forgot about that for a long time but I suspect that may be true of most people I've known. I think, for whatever reason, I fail to transmit to people when I like them, or worse maybe I give the impression that I don't like them when I do.

I think I also look angry or pained a lot of the time because I squint due to light sensitivity so I don't think I look terribly friendly to strangers so that probably doesnt help.


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10 Sep 2022, 4:56 pm

DuckHairback wrote:
This has been exactly my experience too. In the past when I have had what i thought of as 'friends' they have never ever come to me for my company. I've sometimes mistaken work colleagues for friends and been very disappointed when they aren't interested in seeing me outside of work.

Since going freelance I really don't have any friends. I have a partner and a daughter who I talk to, obviously, but no friends at all.

I used to go to a hobby group and I thought some people there had become friends. Since that group disbanded years ago I've, on a couple of occasions tried to see some of them and its actually happened once or twice but only because I've pushed for it - I know that none of them would ever contact me to meet. Which means they aren't actually friends, right?

A long time ago my mother told me that her mother (my Nan) had said she didn't know how I felt about her. She couldnt tell if I liked her or hated her or what. I forgot about that for a long time but I suspect that may be true of most people I've known. I think, for whatever reason, I fail to transmit to people when I like them, or worse maybe I give the impression that I don't like them when I do.

I think I also look angry or pained a lot of the time because I squint due to light sensitivity so I don't think I look terribly friendly to strangers so that probably doesnt help.


While I don't generally like to make friends out of coworkers, I've mistaken classmates (during high school) as friends. In high school, I learned the hard way: Just because you speak to me at school (and let me sit with you at lunch) doesn't necessarily mean you want to be my friend outside of school.

Also, I can relate to "looking unfriendly" (I've been told I look unfriendly). I can also relate to the thing about others being unable to sense how you feel about them. I've had a past coworker think I was always upset with her (even though I wasn't).



KitLily
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11 Sep 2022, 3:55 am

DuckHairback wrote:
This has been exactly my experience too. In the past when I have had what i thought of as 'friends' they have never ever come to me for my company. I've sometimes mistaken work colleagues for friends and been very disappointed when they aren't interested in seeing me outside of work.

Since going freelance I really don't have any friends. I have a partner and a daughter who I talk to, obviously, but no friends at all.

I used to go to a hobby group and I thought some people there had become friends. Since that group disbanded years ago I've, on a couple of occasions tried to see some of them and its actually happened once or twice but only because I've pushed for it - I know that none of them would ever contact me to meet. Which means they aren't actually friends, right?

A long time ago my mother told me that her mother (my Nan) had said she didn't know how I felt about her. She couldnt tell if I liked her or hated her or what. I forgot about that for a long time but I suspect that may be true of most people I've known. I think, for whatever reason, I fail to transmit to people when I like them, or worse maybe I give the impression that I don't like them when I do.

I think I also look angry or pained a lot of the time because I squint due to light sensitivity so I don't think I look terribly friendly to strangers so that probably doesnt help.


I agree and empathise with all you say here. I've even underlined the bits that resonate most!

I've definitely had the experience where people I know have suddenly said to me 'Oh! You're really kind aren't you!' or similar. I've thought 'duh! Isn't that obvious?' Another person said once 'You're so different when I get to know you. You appear (something) but you're actually really nice.' I can't remember what the (something) was because this was almost 40 years ago, but it was a shock to find out that I appear one way but I'm actually the other.

So maybe I'm like you and fail to transmit how I feel about people? I thought I was too eager to be friends so I've been trying to hold back, but maybe it's the opposite. I genuinely do not know how I come across to people. Zero idea because I get no feedback and have no friends to ask for feedback.

Like you I have a partner and daughter, THEY love me but no one else does. I'm the opposite of most people: I don't put on a big show of being wonderful in public and act horrible in private. I think I act horrible in public and I'm wonderful in private!

But no one tries to get past the initial impression of me to find the nice side of me behind closed doors. Probably because I've moved house a lot and moved away from my original friends and neighbours so I don't have that history and built up relationships...

I've also tried not to have Resting B1tch Face so much and tried to smile more, but I suspect I just look like a loon!

I thought I'd perfected a winning smile but saw myself in a mirror once and I looked really crazy :lol:


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26 Mar 2023, 9:26 pm

Hi KitLily. I have been lurking here for a while and felt inspired to make an account to reply to your thread.

Don't give up on making friends. The right people are out there, but there aren't many of them so you have to 'put yourself out there' a lot more than NTs to find them (which sucks and is unfair of course because that's so much harder for us than NTs).

I have only recently (in the last 4 years) found a friend that I can tell personal stuff to, and have them tell me personal stuff, and be there for each other. It took a long time. I had one friend for around a year in high school, but I wouldn't say we were really close, we just hung out at her place after school. Then I had one about 6 years ago, who had bipolar, but who committed suicide after I only knew her for a year, we hadn't quite gotten super close yet.

The way I met my current friends (good friend plus husband of good friend and brother of good friend), was I replied to a post in a local Facebook community group (made by her husband) asking if anyone wanted to meet up to play board games. I was a bit nervous but decided to put myself out there (no pain no gain). It worked out well, and now I see them most weekends either to play board games or just hang out and have dinner. Sometimes we do things like go to local festivals, go to movies, or do escape rooms. I think my good friend is ADHD and her brother is autistic so that really helps (can overlook each other's quirks, or enjoy them and not think they're bad).

After my friend with bipolar died, I thought I was just destined to never have any real friends. I had tried loads of times with work colleagues and people at activities. They were always nice to my face and happy to chat but never wanted to do anything outside the activity/work. Especially hurtful when they all did things outside the activity/work with each other.

I know it is probably hard in your little village, but when you move to the larger town, start anew with joining groups. Since you know where you want to move to, see if there are any Facebook groups for neurodivergent people for your town right now. I am in one for the city I live in, and we have meetups twice a month. I have only been to one so far and I already feel like I might make friends eventually with one or two of them. They have a much higher chance of being 'your people'. If you have a logical/puzzle-solving brain (something common in autistic people) you could also consider joining your local bridge club and take lessons. I play bridge, and the percentage of people clearly on the spectrum (at least amongst the tournament players) is much higher than the normal population. People that play bridge are all a little weird, so if you also come across a little weird you may easily fit right in. Music is also one of my special interests, and I am in a few musical groups. Even if you don't end up making good friends with anyone in a group, the joy of making music with other people, and feeling really in-sync with them, can scratch that social itch. One of the groups I am in offers free lessons if you are a member, maybe there could be something similar in your town. I am sure you have your own enduring interests as well that there is sure to be a club for. Don't let the small-mindedness of people in your little village put you off trying those groups in your new town.

Remember you never lose until you give up.



KitLily
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27 Mar 2023, 11:36 am

Thanks for your supportive comment Purplepuffin, I'd forgotten about this post. :)

I might try and make friends when we move house but I decided I'm going to focus on joining clubs about topics I enjoy e.g. films, and not focus on the people. If I make friends, I do. If I don't, I don't. I keep myself to myself now days, it's safer, I don't put myself out there anymore.

The last friend I had who dumped me abruptly made me realise that I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself out there, think I've got a good friend only to be 'slapped in the face' again. That switch is turned off.


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27 Mar 2023, 11:50 pm

KitLily wrote:
Thanks for your supportive comment Purplepuffin, I'd forgotten about this post. :)

I might try and make friends when we move house but I decided I'm going to focus on joining clubs about topics I enjoy e.g. films, and not focus on the people. If I make friends, I do. If I don't, I don't. I keep myself to myself now days, it's safer, I don't put myself out there anymore.

The last friend I had who dumped me abruptly made me realise that I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself out there, think I've got a good friend only to be 'slapped in the face' again. That switch is turned off.


TBH, that's the way I'd go. Having friends is a mixed blessing in that you have people that care about you and can help out. But, they can also keep you chained to things that you might be best breaking free of.

Personally, ever since I lost basically all the friends I had due to giving up drinking, it really made me think about how important the label of friend really is to me other than just having people to hang out with when the urge arises.

But, then again what do I know. I have a feeling that I'm the a-hole that is always ghosting his friends. I'm not sure, but perhaps in 20 years I'll know for sure.



KitLily
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28 Mar 2023, 3:03 am

I think the idea of 'friends' doesn't apply to the human race anymore. We're all individuals on our own tracks. We no longer have big extended families or tribes. We can get anything we want by clicking on the internet (at least until the apocalypse) so we don't need other humans now.

The word friend/freond is one of the oldest in the English language. It literally means 'person who's got my back in a battle.' We don't have battles anymore, so friendship is dying out for humans.


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29 Mar 2023, 8:04 am

KitLily wrote:
I think the idea of 'friends' doesn't apply to the human race anymore. We're all individuals on our own tracks. We no longer have big extended families or tribes. We can get anything we want by clicking on the internet (at least until the apocalypse) so we don't need other humans now.

The word friend/freond is one of the oldest in the English language. It literally means 'person who's got my back in a battle.' We don't have battles anymore, so friendship is dying out for humans.


These are bleak thoughts, and I hope its not the case.

I do think we're building a society that makes it very hard to maintain friendships though. We're very much encouraged to live separate lives with our separate houses and six foot fence panels and little sealed boxes on wheels. Our adult lives particularly are increasingly time limited too. Our families and work takes up so much of our time that finding the space for friends is difficult.

I believe the biological need for friendship, or an extended tribe as you put it, is still there in humans, but it's being serviced by other things like work colleagues, social media and television that give the illusion of relationships. So the itch is being scratched enough to stop us putting in the effort to make and maintain friendships but not enough to fully satisfy us. Which might be why we have record numbers of people claiming to suffer loneliness - and thats NTs too.

Still, I do know people who seem to have lots of friends and no problem making time for each other despite families and jobs.

My partner is very interested in the idea of communal living - not in a shared house but on a shared piece of land where everyone can have their own bit of space but there's collective effort put into community projects. I'm both attracted to and repelled by the idea - I do tend to think that communal living is probably a more natural way for humans to exist, better for our mental health etc. but the thought of actually doing it is quite frightening to me.


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KitLily
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29 Mar 2023, 10:37 am

DuckHairback wrote:
These are bleak thoughts, and I hope its not the case.

I do think we're building a society that makes it very hard to maintain friendships though. We're very much encouraged to live separate lives with our separate houses and six foot fence panels and little sealed boxes on wheels. Our adult lives particularly are increasingly time limited too. Our families and work takes up so much of our time that finding the space for friends is difficult.

I believe the biological need for friendship, or an extended tribe as you put it, is still there in humans, but it's being serviced by other things like work colleagues, social media and television that give the illusion of relationships. So the itch is being scratched enough to stop us putting in the effort to make and maintain friendships but not enough to fully satisfy us. Which might be why we have record numbers of people claiming to suffer loneliness - and thats NTs too.


You hit the nail on the head. I was just thinking today that we live vicariously now via social media and TV- we relate to those characters more than our actual real life friends and family members. The social media and TV characters live the exciting, emotional lives so we don't have to. And real people seem dull and emotionless in comparison. Worrying.


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29 Mar 2023, 11:27 am

KitLily wrote:
I was just thinking today that we live vicariously now via social media and TV- we relate to those characters more than our actual real life friends and family members.


The reason I deleted my facebook page was because I realised I was watching the lives of people I went to school with and haven't seen since. So I only really knew them for 4 years, then I'd just been watching them for 15 years without interacting with them, but I still knew lots about their lives. It creeped me out a bit because I realised that was plenty for me - I didn't really need to interact with them to feel like I was involved in their lives. But they'd have no idea I was reading about them or looking at pictures of them. It's really weird how quickly that's become a normal thing for people to do.


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KitLily
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30 Mar 2023, 4:42 am

DuckHairback wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I was just thinking today that we live vicariously now via social media and TV- we relate to those characters more than our actual real life friends and family members.


The reason I deleted my facebook page was because I realised I was watching the lives of people I went to school with and haven't seen since. So I only really knew them for 4 years, then I'd just been watching them for 15 years without interacting with them, but I still knew lots about their lives. It creeped me out a bit because I realised that was plenty for me - I didn't really need to interact with them to feel like I was involved in their lives. But they'd have no idea I was reading about them or looking at pictures of them. It's really weird how quickly that's become a normal thing for people to do.


Yes you are correct- people are constantly 'stalking' each other now and the more unhinged people are acting like they know celebrities and barging into their lives.

The reason I deleted Facebook was because of the nastiness and bullying. I'd be 'friends'? with someone for a while then they'd suddenly block me or send me a nasty message for no reason. Then I thought, do I actually know these people? Have I met them in real life? Do I care what they think of me? No and no and no. So I moved on.


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31 Mar 2023, 11:29 am

KitLily wrote:
DuckHairback wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I was just thinking today that we live vicariously now via social media and TV- we relate to those characters more than our actual real life friends and family members.


The reason I deleted my facebook page was because I realised I was watching the lives of people I went to school with and haven't seen since. So I only really knew them for 4 years, then I'd just been watching them for 15 years without interacting with them, but I still knew lots about their lives. It creeped me out a bit because I realised that was plenty for me - I didn't really need to interact with them to feel like I was involved in their lives. But they'd have no idea I was reading about them or looking at pictures of them. It's really weird how quickly that's become a normal thing for people to do.


Yes you are correct- people are constantly 'stalking' each other now and the more unhinged people are acting like they know celebrities and barging into their lives.

The reason I deleted Facebook was because of the nastiness and bullying. I'd be 'friends'? with someone for a while then they'd suddenly block me or send me a nasty message for no reason. Then I thought, do I actually know these people? Have I met them in real life? Do I care what they think of me? No and no and no. So I moved on.


About 10 years ago, I met someone through an anime meet-up group who seemed really nice and wanted to connect. So we started connecting on FB and things were fine in the beginning. Then one day, he and I appeared to have a nice conversation via FB messenger until he asked me if I was going to their anime Halloween party. When I told him that I was going to a brony one, (My little pony was popular at the time) was when he picked a fight with me and acted like I was the one overreacting and blocked me. I learned this guy was a jerk and probably the bit of a narcissist because he started using things against me.



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31 Mar 2023, 1:17 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
About 10 years ago, I met someone through an anime meet-up group who seemed really nice and wanted to connect. So we started connecting on FB and things were fine in the beginning. Then one day, he and I appeared to have a nice conversation via FB messenger until he asked me if I was going to their anime Halloween party. When I told him that I was going to a brony one, (My little pony was popular at the time) was when he picked a fight with me and acted like I was the one overreacting and blocked me. I learned this guy was a jerk and probably the bit of a narcissist because he started using things against me.


Yes, that is my exact experience on Facebook: making a friend in real life then they suddenly turn on me online. I'm sorry that happened to you as well.

So I keep away from there now. Facebook seems to bring out the worst in people, or attract the worst types of people.


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03 Apr 2023, 2:01 pm

KitLily wrote:
I might try and make friends when we move house but I decided I'm going to focus on joining clubs about topics I enjoy e.g. films, and not focus on the people.

That's probably the best way to make friends (unless you plan on carrying it to the extreme of totally ignoring the people). My own approach to making friends has always focused more on shared interests than on the people, at least in the initial stages of the friendship.


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03 Apr 2023, 3:27 pm

MatchboxVagabond wrote:
Personally, ever since I lost basically all the friends I had due to giving up drinking, it really made me think about how important the label of friend really is to me other than just having people to hang out with when the urge arises.

Unfortunately, friendships do sometimes revolve around shared bad habits, such as drinking. But it's also possible to have friendships that revolve around shared aspirational virtues or other shared positive values.


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04 Apr 2023, 8:46 am

KitLily wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
About 10 years ago, I met someone through an anime meet-up group who seemed really nice and wanted to connect. So we started connecting on FB and things were fine in the beginning. Then one day, he and I appeared to have a nice conversation via FB messenger until he asked me if I was going to their anime Halloween party. When I told him that I was going to a brony one, (My little pony was popular at the time) was when he picked a fight with me and acted like I was the one overreacting and blocked me. I learned this guy was a jerk and probably the bit of a narcissist because he started using things against me.


Yes, that is my exact experience on Facebook: making a friend in real life then they suddenly turn on me online. I'm sorry that happened to you as well.

So I keep away from there now. Facebook seems to bring out the worst in people or attract the worst types of people.


Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that people like that reject us because it shows you what kind of people they truly are. In fact, they probably were not our friends in the first place.

For example, I attended a synagogue for three years and associated with three people who I thought were my friends but were not.

- Two of them consisted of a married couple who turned out to be toxic and abusive and lost interest in me when they learned that I wasn't someone they could control. The husband started to find everything wrong with me and how he was holier than I am.

-I associated with a middle-aged woman who started picking me apart because I happened to swear at someone. She also started hiding her true feelings from other people. So when I confronted her about her and said it wasn't going to work, she blocked me on Facebook, and good riddance.

Another time, I associated off and on with an elderly man who I met through a Jewish ministry. At first, he seemed like he was very nice, kind, and supportive. What I didn't know is that this man had a dark which came out after I turned down an invitation and set clear boundaries not to call me up accessively. He got very nasty in that he started criticizing me but couldn't handle criticism himself. After that, he wanted nothing more to do with me and wrote me off as delusional and hopeless.