Love on the Spectrum: US edition

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Muse933277
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29 Jun 2022, 11:42 am

ironpony wrote:
Does autism cause guys to be worse looking than NT guys normally though, if many are not good-looking in comparison?


I don’t think autism affects physical appearance BUT it indirectly affects physical appearance which I’ll explain down below.

People with autism, particularly lower functioning individuals are less likely to make choices which would make their physical appearance look better.

Autistic people are much less likely to be into sports and physical exercise either because we’re more likely to be clumsy/uncoordinated or just simply dislike it. And since exercising makes you look better, people who never exercise on average, will look worse than people that love it.

Some have sensory problems to the point they don’t even like to shower. Others are asexual so don’t feel the need to look good for the opposite sex since our sex drive is what usually drives us to improve our appearance to attract a mate.

Some either don’t get the concept of trying to look good by wearing better clothes, working out, or some simply don’t care. Some aren’t smart/self aware enough to understand why taking care of your appearance is important to attract a mate.

Unemployment, lack of drivers license, lower income might make it harder for some people to get out and exercise or get the necessary food that would make them look better.


So for all the reasons listed above, I would say that autistic people (on average) are less attractive than neurotypicals on average, particularly the lower functioning you are.



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29 Jun 2022, 12:03 pm

That makes sense. Thank you for explaining it. I was the same way before but got into exercise and martial arts to become more fit. That makes sense.



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30 Jun 2022, 6:14 am

ironpony wrote:
That's a good point. When you say those guys do you mean the guys on the show?

And do you mean alpha males are more willing to have sex with someone because it's expected compared to non-alpha?

This comment wasn't in direct relation to the show.

So I didn't say alpha males have sex because it's expected, but that in theory they can easily pick up women and get them to have sex, and I suppose some of it is to give the woman the impression that it's expected of her, which would seem to have been that commenter's experience. But if the woman is simply doing what's expected and does not reciprocate the genuine desire and enjoyment, the guy will have no reason to hit on her again, if he's confident he can find a more enthusiastic partner.

I would need to know more detail about how those sexual encounters came about, but that's my conclusion never having been that sort of "alpha male".


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ironpony
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30 Jun 2022, 7:43 am

that makes sense. But why would a woman want to have sex with a guy just because she felt it was expected or what would make her feel it was expected?



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30 Jun 2022, 8:26 am

ironpony wrote:
that makes sense. But why would a woman want to have sex with a guy just because she felt it was expected or what would make her feel it was expected?


I know we all have our social struggles, being autistic, but I don't think this line of thinking is healthy. It will just lead you down a bad road. We can't speak for every woman or put people into little boxes. Every single person has personal motivations that are unique to them. It's useless to say all men and all women are the same, or very similar, in motivation. You'd have to ask the woman, yourself, what her motivations are.



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30 Jun 2022, 8:35 am

Oh yes for sure. I was just asking why would the women who do it out of expectation do it solely out of expectation. I didn't mean to imply all women do that, just the ones that do.



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30 Jun 2022, 11:16 am

ironpony wrote:
Oh yes for sure. I was just asking why would the women who do it out of expectation do it solely out of expectation. I didn't mean to imply all women do that, just the ones that do.

I have to defend ironpony here. The question was not "why do women do X?", but rather "if a woman WERE to do X, why would she?" and there's some understanding this is something that does happen IRL.

Though not something I would expect to see happen on LOTS.


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30 Jun 2022, 1:56 pm

Oh well thanks for defending me but also thank you for all the opinions even if it's disagreeing.

Well I feel like I've had that happen to me before where the woman did it with me out of expectation more so sometimes, and that is why I wondered why would they do that, when someone else brought it up on here.



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13 Jul 2022, 11:54 am

So sometimes on the subreddit for this show, I see offhand remarks to the effect that US society is either less tolerant of neurodiversity or less tolerant of LGBTQ+ people than Australian society, when people explain why they prefer the Australian version. This seems to be the sort of remark that people will just nod their head in agreement with, without having specific data to corroborate. Annoying.


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13 Jul 2022, 1:45 pm

MaxE wrote:
So sometimes on the subreddit for this show, I see offhand remarks to the effect that US society is either less tolerant of neurodiversity or less tolerant of LGBTQ+ people than Australian society, when people explain why they prefer the Australian version. This seems to be the sort of remark that people will just nod their head in agreement with, without having specific data to corroborate. Annoying.


The creative choices of the showrunners give the US version a weirdly infantilizing, patronizing vibe.


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13 Jul 2022, 1:53 pm

Well it was said before on here that they do not want to concentrate on the people's sex lives, but wouldn't they have to eventually after a few dates, or no?



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13 Jul 2022, 4:56 pm

A thing that bugs me is that I know so many autists who date, get married, get laid. But the ways in which they do it - are either too incredibly mundane and boring for TV (people meeting other people online, was a big deal in the 80s/90s, but it's how plenty of NTs meet now). Or they're... weird. A majority of my dating life came about from BBSs, nerd life, gaming. Lots of autists are LGBT. Lots of autists are kinky. Furries are a subculture that has a lot of autists in it (my bff for example).

HBO's Real Sex probably came closer to showing more authentic autistic love lives than lots of stuff about autism does.

Plenty of autists date, fall in love, have sex... but not in ways that normies want to see. None of these shows are exactly going to kink munches or after hours at sci fi cons. (Granted, that's not really MY thing, either. I did really just want to click with someone in a more old fashioned way but could never make it work. But I relate so hard to Dani in a lot of ways, I tended to move way too fast too, and I feel bad that they're shoving her into NT-centric dating modes instead of just having her extensively interact with people online and vetting them before meeting them. Long periods of interaction online before starting to date, was the *only* way that dating ever actually worked with me for a very long time. For similar reasons. Also, I'm reading a lot of her pickiness via a Jewish lens and... Jewish dating is just no joke omfg. It is clear to me that she is only dating Jewish men and is going specifically for what her community expects her to go for, she's just HONEST about it. We will never replace our numbers without arranged marriage. If NT Jews can't even do it, idk what hope Dani has.)

It doesn't help that sci fi culture got heavily neutered in the last decade as it went more and more normie, in terms of the optics of "yes actually plenty of autists are getting laid. Plenty of autists are having more sex THAN YOU."

It's like media optics are trying so hard to prove that Autists Are Normal that it's forgetting that "not being normal" is sometimes actually a way we live fulfilled lives.


ironpony wrote:
Well it was said before on here that they do not want to concentrate on the people's sex lives, but wouldn't they have to eventually after a few dates, or no?


I think there's a tendency in the US to just assume anyone dating, is having sex.


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MaxE
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14 Jul 2022, 5:35 am

orbweaver wrote:
MaxE wrote:
So sometimes on the subreddit for this show, I see offhand remarks to the effect that US society is either less tolerant of neurodiversity or less tolerant of LGBTQ+ people than Australian society, when people explain why they prefer the Australian version. This seems to be the sort of remark that people will just nod their head in agreement with, without having specific data to corroborate. Annoying.


The creative choices of the showrunners give the US version a weirdly infantilizing, patronizing vibe.

If anything I would more likely say that was true of the Australian version. Of course the Australian version had that one high functioning pair who were already a couple from the start. IMO their story had no relevance to the rest of what happened on that show. It would have made sense had there been a heterosexual couple who met on S1 and were setting up housekeeping in S2. But such a success never happened. Only queer participants had any success.


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14 Jul 2022, 7:49 am

orbweaver wrote:
Or they're... weird. A majority of my dating life came about from BBSs, nerd life, gaming. Lots of autists are LGBT. Lots of autists are kinky. Furries are a subculture that has a lot of autists in it (my bff for example).
I think there's a tendency in the US to just assume anyone dating, is having sex.




You being a "weirdo" probably helped you somewhat, and i'll explain. Sometimes, it's not you, it's the people you're going after.

I have a feeling that autistic people who look in traditionally nerdy places where other weird and quirky people hang out are actually more likely to succeed at finding someone to date and hookup with compared to autistic guys who look in traditionally neurotypical places.

I'll give you an example. I used to hang out with a church group filled with many "traditional" girls, many of which were fairly attractive. Guess what? Most of them, want "traditional" guys in terms of looks and personality. I'm talking about being white, being at least 5 ft 10, decently attractive, and not being too nerdy/kinky, whatever... Basically if you're a white guy who's not too short, not too fat, and not too weird, you're good to go. The autistic men who look there (and yes I know men with autism there) always get shot down because they're considered a little too weird for these girls. They don't fit the "ideal" that many of these women have when it comes to guys they're looking for.

BUT if these same guys looked in places that were a little more "nerdy and autism friendly" they might actually be more likely to succeed in finding a mate where them being weird and a little different might actually be normal and preferred. That's why the irony is that autistic guys who are more nerdy are ACTUALLY more likely to find someone.



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15 Jul 2022, 7:32 am

Muse933277 wrote:
orbweaver wrote:
Or they're... weird. A majority of my dating life came about from BBSs, nerd life, gaming. Lots of autists are LGBT. Lots of autists are kinky. Furries are a subculture that has a lot of autists in it (my bff for example).
I think there's a tendency in the US to just assume anyone dating, is having sex.




You being a "weirdo" probably helped you somewhat, and i'll explain. Sometimes, it's not you, it's the people you're going after.

I have a feeling that autistic people who look in traditionally nerdy places where other weird and quirky people hang out are actually more likely to succeed at finding someone to date and hookup with compared to autistic guys who look in traditionally neurotypical places.

I'll give you an example. I used to hang out with a church group filled with many "traditional" girls, many of which were fairly attractive. Guess what? Most of them, want "traditional" guys in terms of looks and personality. I'm talking about being white, being at least 5 ft 10, decently attractive, and not being too nerdy/kinky, whatever... Basically if you're a white guy who's not too short, not too fat, and not too weird, you're good to go. The autistic men who look there (and yes I know men with autism there) always get shot down because they're considered a little too weird for these girls. They don't fit the "ideal" that many of these women have when it comes to guys they're looking for.

BUT if these same guys looked in places that were a little more "nerdy and autism friendly" they might actually be more likely to succeed in finding a mate where them being weird and a little different might actually be normal and preferred. That's why the irony is that autistic guys who are more nerdy are ACTUALLY more likely to find someone.

Interesting observation. I've always felt like one of the main roadblocks in finding someone compatible is being too nerdy for normal women but too normal for nerdy women :P



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15 Jul 2022, 1:53 pm

In my experience I often thought nerdy girls preferred less nerdy guys since I would often get girls more nerdy than I.