Love on the Spectrum: US edition

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jamesebtrout
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17 Jul 2022, 9:18 am

"BUT if these same guys looked in places that were a little more "nerdy and autism friendly" they might actually be more likely to succeed in finding a mate where them being weird and a little different might actually be normal and preferred. That's why the irony is that autistic guys who are more nerdy are ACTUALLY more likely to find someone."

Or at least those who have nerdy interests that are popular. Being nerdy about say "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" or anime is much more acceptable than being nerdy about politics. You don't see too many people on the Spectrum go into politics here in the USA precisely because those interested in politics in general are often the LEAST (or among the least) accepting of those who are perceived to be "off" socially. I've long held (I'm the one who wrote the post about being 37 and never having had a relationship) that had I been interested in anime, I would have had MUCH better luck with dating. The anime world tends to attract people who are much more accepting of those who are nerdy and quirky. It just has never been my thing. For the record, I enjoy "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" but I am not obsessed to the extent of the nerd level.



Mona Pereth
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17 Jul 2022, 5:01 pm

Welcome back to Wrong Planet!

jamesebtrout wrote:
Or at least those who have nerdy interests that are popular. Being nerdy about say "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" or anime is much more acceptable than being nerdy about politics. You don't see too many people on the Spectrum go into politics here in the USA precisely because those interested in politics in general are often the LEAST (or among the least) accepting of those who are perceived to be "off" socially.

Depends on what kind of politics, and also depends on what phase of a given political movement's life cycle.

When I was in my early-to-mid-twenties, I was friends with Brenda Howard (another bio here), a woman, then in her thirties, who had been very active in what was then known as the gay rights movement -- soon to become known (at the urging of various activists, of whom Brenda was one of the leading ones) as the LGBT rights movement.

She was also a general all-around weirdo. Her main passion was championing the rights of her fellow weirdos of whatever kind, whenever she had an opportunity to do so. She managed to make quite a few friends, though there were also quite a few people who disliked her and considered her to be socially "off" in various ways.

She was never a political professional. All her political work was on an unpaid volunteer basis. (When I knew her, she earned her living by doing phone sex, which was a big thing in those days before the Internet became popular.)

Some kinds of political activism are intrinsically ultra-conformist, and are not the sort of thing Brenda could possibly have fit into. These include the worlds of politicians, professional lobbyists, and directors of nonprofit organizations that receive big foundation grants. These are your worlds, if I'm not mistaken -- correct? They were definitely not Brenda's world.

Brenda's world was the world of scruffy grassroots activism, always finding new categories of fellow outcasts to organize.

EDIT: I have some specific advice for you, personally, that I will put in a private message, since it will go a bit off-topic for this thread.


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orbweaver
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17 Jul 2022, 9:37 pm

Well... in my own case, I had friends and dates as long as I stuck to nerd culture. The times when I've wanted to be into anything *else* - I've found myself profoundly isolated.

I feel like there's a glass wall between me and most people I meet who aren't the handful of gamers I'm already friends with.


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Muse933277
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18 Jul 2022, 12:30 pm

I think one reason I struggled with dating growing up was because I looked in the wrong places.

I was a 5 ft 3, short, skinny, autist in my early twenties. One problem was that I was going about looking for women in the wrong places because I was too naive to know any better.

I signed up for Tinder and other similar sites and never got anywhere. I chased fairly attractive “party girls” who just wanted to party and hookup with hot guys. I would have never been successful in that environment due to my looks, stature, and autism.

Had I of been into more “nerd culture” and perhaps been a little more outgoing, there’s a good chance I would have been far more romantically successful.



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26 Jul 2022, 7:34 pm

Well, my current gf is autistic but so far I would say the amount of any baggage so far seems to be equal to NT women I have dated.



iggyshiggy
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05 Aug 2022, 12:42 am

I did like it in a way, but I feel like I'd rather have more raw footage and less commentary/manipulation of content in the editing process. I feel like they sometimes skewed the audience's attention in the direction of "cute" or "heartwarming" stuff that the neurotypicals who treat aspies like pets love so much. It's richer than most autistic representation in media, but largely just by virtue of being reality rather than fiction. The existence of the show in and of itself invites questions surrounding the relationship of the autistic person in media that I think are very revealing.

What is the relationship of autistic media to autistic people? Who creates media about autism and why? Some part of me wants NT hands off our image completely, even with seemingly harmless shows like this. At the end of the day, NT people have used us as this alien spectacle for so long, and benefited from the portrayal of our hardships, further othering us in doing this. I want a love on the spectrum that's written and curated from an autistic perspective. i want to see wider ranges of experiences and perspectives within the community. :idea:



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11 Aug 2022, 12:32 am

In this show, do they try to teach autistic people 'game' and skill in getting dates, and picking up the opposite gender, and well as romancing and seduction, or do they just set up two people and let them do it themselves every time?



jamesebtrout
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13 Aug 2022, 12:45 am

I have only seen the Aussie version to its completion, but from what I've seen they have generally paired people on the Spectrum with other people on the Spectrum. As if those are the only people whom they have a prayer with. They don't really teach "game" in the show, even though in some ways they should. This is a neurotypical dominant world and it's not changing anytime soon. The "game" though can't be teach Neil Strauss style. Try that in real life, many of us would end up in prison for harassing and/or stalking charges.



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13 Aug 2022, 12:47 am

Oh really? I didn't read Strauss' game, but I read The Mystery Method, which he some things to do with, if I am correct, but is that method better? Or what would get you thrown in jail from Strauss's methods. I saw Strauss on stage, and his methods seemed good.



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30 Aug 2022, 11:53 pm

I liked it. I know others on here aren't huge fans of it, but as soon as I saw Kaelynn (the one that also has Dyslexia and Dyscalcula and stuff), I knew I had to watch it. I've been following her for a few weeks before I watched LOTS, after I discovered her Instagram wheels on FB about Autism and her service dog training and I developed a crush on her. Screw Peter, we no longer like Peter for not going on the second date. I would've loved to take his place instead! :lol:

I also like the girl who likes Lions (I think her name was Sarah?) She faces more difficulties than I do, but I still thought she was cute and also wouldn't mind being with her. Her boyfriend seems like a good match for her, and it was cool how much he listened and how thoughtful he was with her gifts. Part of me thought she wasn't gonna be as appreciative with the Flamingo bracelet because it wasn't Lion, but sounds like she still enjoyed it.

I thought Dani was cringe with her first guy and I think she's too idealistic and I wish she treated the second guy a little better, but I'm glad she grew up a little bit after breaking up with the first guy. I know what it's like to fall for someone too hard and too fast, but that was a bit much for me.

I feel sorry for Subodh and Rachel, I hope he'll get better with empathy and that their relationship gets stronger. Part of me thinks they just kinda settled for each other because they'd rather be with someone than no one.

I also feel sorry for the blonde guy who was into medieval stuff, but I'm surprised the girl he dated didn't just turn him down after the first date. I was glad he at least stopped multiple times to ask her permission to do or say something though.

The old guy in San Francisco is who I was really hoping would find love though, he has such a warm personality and was pretty funny. I'm hoping he keeps up the search with the online profiles.



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04 Sep 2022, 10:25 am

2022 Creative Arts Emmys:

Quote:
The Primetime Emmys aren't until Sept. 12, but trophies have already been snatched.

This weekend, the Creative Arts Emmys — which honor outstanding artistic and technical achievement in a variety of television program genres, guest performances in weekly series, as well as exceptional work in the animation, reality, and documentary categories — kicked things off during two ceremonies across Saturday and Sunday.


Outstanding Picture Editing for an Unstructured Reality Program

Below Deck Mediterranean (Bravo)
Cheer (Netflix)
Deadliest Catch (Discovery Channel)
Life Below Zero (National Geographic)
WINNER: Love on the Spectrum (Netflix)

Congratulations to all involved.


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04 Sep 2022, 11:06 am

Agent_Elflord wrote:
Screw Peter, we no longer like Peter for not going on the second date. I would've loved to take his place instead!


Let's be real though, she only chose Peter out of all the other guys because he was tall, handsome, and white. I don't think they had amazing chemistry but she was physically attracted to him from the start and that's why she chose him.

I think she had decent chemistry with one of the black guys on the speed-date, but she may not be into black guys. That's fine, everyone has preferences.

Out of everyone on the show, I think she has the best chance of finding a partner. She's good looking, reasonably normal, can function in a neurotypical world, etc...



Agent_Elflord wrote:
I also like the girl who likes lions. Her boyfriend seems like a good match for her.


It's funny because during Abby and David's first date, she seemed like she looked super uncomfortable, and I didn't think she was into him at all either. When he asked her for a second date, she said "I'll think about it, i'll ask my mom" and that's when I thought that Abby wasn't interested in him and she didn't want to straight up say no to his face right then and there.

Here's what I think happened. I think Abby wasn't initially interested in David, but after going home, maybe talking to her mom, and seeing how nice and sweet he was during their first date, she decided to give him another chance, and the rest is history. I don't think she was initially into him.






Agent_Elflord wrote:
I thought Dani was cringe with her first guy and I think she's too idealistic and I wish she treated the second guy a little better, but I'm glad she grew up a little bit after breaking up with the first guy. I know what it's like to fall for someone too hard and too fast, but that was a bit much for me.


Dani is a perfect example of saying what you want in a relationship, but responding to something completely different.

She says she wants a guy who's into animation, but when she goes on a date with Adan, she rejects him because he's too ugly. She also says she doesn't want to be blinded and seducted by the looks again, yet she chooses and falls in love with Solomon because he's super hot, despite having nothing in common.

I think what Dani REALLY wants is a guy who's into animation, but only under the condition that he's hot. Basically, she wants a guy that looks like Solomon, but has the interests and lifestyle of Adan. Will she find that guy? Who knows. She may be too picky for her own good, but only time will tell.



Agent_Elflord wrote:
I feel sorry for Subodh and Rachel, I hope he'll get better with empathy and that their relationship gets stronger. Part of me thinks they just kinda settled for each other because they'd rather be with someone than no one.


Well, both of them are lower functioning people. I think deep down, both of them know that they're probably not going to date some hot neurotypical person. It's just not going to happen... So they both are okay with dating someone who is "closer to their level" and that's fine because someone who is incredibly picky is probably more likely to struggle with dating.



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04 Sep 2022, 11:25 am

Regarding the two couples that are now together, I think this basically shows that arranged relationships may be the most successful solution for some people in our society and I would welcome a movement to make this happen for many more people, not just those fortunate enough to be cast in a show like this.

Regarding Kaelynn, her IG is public. I don't know if she was well known before LOTS however it goes back quite a long ways and you can see that in school (not sure if it began in HS or University) she had a quite long-term relationship but of course no idea why it ended. Then about 3-4 years ago she was in a briefer relationship. The point being that she has substantial relationship experience and might have not been a good fit for this show, I mean she's autistic but would seem to have the ability to find partners on her own and would most likely have a very high threshold for getting excited about something the producers of LOTS set up (BTW I think all the Speed Dating "events" are staged for the show, consider the Michael and Heather debacle). I mean she was just basically playing along — had she met someone that way that was a serious prospect I'm sure she'd have gone with it, but would probably have been more selective in general than the viewers would expect. Another thing from her public IG is that she once belonged to a BB team named "Team Jesus" and I suspect her basic upbringing and values are Evangelical in fact her LTR I mentioned above may have been chaste although being secular from birth I have no idea how Evangelicals typically deal with that issue but I would think they'd be best served by Speed Dating events etc. that are expressly targeted at Evangelicals. As for the "racial" thing, it's possible that somebody from a "Conservative" background might have less enthusiasm for an interracial relationship but it's my impression that many Evangelicals and other Conservatives are in such relationships so nothing to say about that.


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04 Sep 2022, 12:03 pm

Regarding my previous post, I would welcome a reality show featuring people such as Kaelynn who are autistic but able to seek relationships within the "general population" so to speak. I happen to believe that someone like that can be in a relationship with someone who's not neurodiverse however the relationship would be affected in some ways. IRL many people are in relationships in which one partner may have a particular requirement, for example Celiac disease which requires them to restrict their diet, or being a recovering alcoholic. Either that or we say that you can only have a successful relationship with somebody in the exact same situation as yourself. Like for example Amy Schumer's husband may be a celebrity but he is also diagnosed with autism, but that doesn't seem to jeopardize their relationship (granted I tend to be somewhat suspicious of celebrity diagnoses but I have to assume it's legitimate).

I would enjoy seeing these peoples' lives. TBH there are a few people on WP I wish could be in reality shows although of course some of those might be offended by the suggestion.


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04 Sep 2022, 12:08 pm

Kaelynn didn't really need to be on this show, let's be honest. She's a conventionally attractive, high functioning woman. I have no doubt in my mind that she can find a high-quality partner quite easily just because she has the advantage of being conventionally pretty and relatively normal.


As for Dani, she's not an absolute stunner, but she's fairly cute. Her looks are certainly not going to hold her back from finding love. Instead, I think the biggest thing for Dani is not being so naïve because I have no doubt in mind that Dani can also find someone quite easily, but if she's really that naïve to fall in love so quickly, she can easily get taken advantage of.


James (the long haired medieval guy) has a long way to go before he even has a girlfriend. No offense to the man, but he's not a good looking guy, he lives with his parents, and his personality is questionable. He's probably never going to date some good looking neurotypical girl, but I could see him dating some overweight and unattractive girl who is quirky herself and disabled too.



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05 Sep 2022, 7:55 am

Dani reminds me of a young Austrian woman who (I will try to gloss over details as much as possible) I met at a summer program who had just finished Law school. She was cute and petite like Dani and a year or so older than I (i.e. mid-20s). She had dumped her boyfriend ("fired" him was how she explained it in English) and decided to have a "fling" with me, however before this could happen she changed her mind (she was only forthcoming about her erstwhile plans for me after abandoning them). The thing is, when I was with her she would monologize at great length about Socialism and the platform of the Austrian Socialist Party (her chosen career goal was as a party functionary of some sort). I don't think she cared in the least about my own politics, she would just go on at length. I think you could say that she was as obsessed with politics as Dani is with animation. Difference was that she wasn't considering me as a long-term partner which is why I almost got some sack time with her.

As for James, I have been to a few cons in my day and saw a lot of people who look like him and they often have women with them, and TBH they are almost all plus-sized and VERY nerdy (although I wouldn't try to guess how many are legitimately on the spectrum). If they really wanted to find him a partner, they should have probably set him up to meet up with an unattached example of such at a con and perhaps even booked them a room so she could drag him into bed, if she knows what to do with a naked dude she could probably get him interested even if at first he's put off by her appearance.


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