Conversation difficulties

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No one used to ever correct my communication style, except for one friend who yelled at me, “Why don’t you ever make eye contact!! !” In High School. I wasn’t even aware that was an issue. No one used to, that is, until I got into a serious relationship. My fiancée stated that I don’t listen to her and immediately go into what I want to talk about, and don’t acknowledge her conversation. She said this a while ago, so I started adding in, “Oh, that’s interesting.” Or something like that then I’d talk about my thing. Well, this isn’t enough because she still feels unheard. I’m just not sure what to say to what she is saying a lot of the time, and the entire time she is speaking I’m thinking about my interest or what’s in my mind. I’m working with my therapist on “volleying”, so back and forth communication with my partner and others.. but I find it odd that I have a few friends and no ones ever mentioned that I have a problem but my partner. Does anyone else in a relationship go through this?

It's more likely that a partner would pick up on your idiosyncrasies. Are your friends close or casual?

Yes I would say it's that. You could ask your parents,as they are most likely to give you an honest answer if you pester them

My girlfriend is like that Brainiac. She might have ADHD along with other various mental things & she gets hyper & talks aLOT. About the only time she's not talkative when me or her family is next to her is when she's falling asleep, or she's upset with me, or she's very depressed. If Cass is not talkative & not asleep, I'm worried that I'll be walking on eggshells. Her talking does not usually bother me much thou. I tend to be a very quiet person in general. I'm very used to others tuning me out when I was growing up because they believed I was too ret*d to possibly comprehend what they were talking about. Most of my talking was to myself. Cass tends to ramble on about the same things a lot & I tend to only half listen. I've always daydreamed a lot due to ADD. If there's something important I want to talk to her about, I just interrupt her or tell her to let me finish talking before she says anything. You could ask your fiancee to just tell you to be quiet when she wants to talk about something. It's good that your trying to work with a therapist Brainiac but it might not be possible for you to develop a normal NT communication style or whatever communication style your fiancee has. She should not expect you to suddenly communicate her way because she told you she has problems with it. She needs to try to meet you halfway with that. I'm not sure if she is trying to work with you or not but if she's not, perhaps couple's counseling would be helpful so the two of you can learn to better communicate together.

As for the eye contact thing, I never make eye contact & I actually did not even know that eye contact was import to most people till after I joined this forum in my later 20s. I'm extremely nearsighted even with glasses so some people probably think my lack of eye contact is due to my vision which is probably more acceptable & understood than me telling others about autism. My teachers used to ask me lots of questions in the beginning of the school year because they thought I was not paying attention but they quickly learned I was & left me alone more. I could be playing a game on my graphing calculator while majorly participating in a discussion. My ADD works in my favor sometimes.

She's your partner and fiancée so she's expecting you to have a deeper level of connection than you'd have with other people. There's an expectation that you will hear her, understand her, and respond to her by interpreting nuance, body language, and spoken words. That's what romantic relationships are built on, and that's why relationships are so difficult for people on the spectrum.

You likely didn't notice the same level of difficulty with other people in your life because you aren't their romantic partner. They wouldn't be turning to you for ongoing emotional support profound enough to sustain a lifelong love or dedication. You may not expect the same from her, but it seems like she expects this of you.

I have this issue, and its something I've been working on with my boyfriend. Because he ends up feeling like I am cutting him off in the conversation or sorta just like waiting for my turn to talk rather then really listening and engaging with what he's saying. Then when I get to what I want to say I end up going too long and not giving him a chance to respond or speak.

But yeah I am not like super aware of it when I do that a lot of times. So for us it kind of helps if he reminds me when I do so then I can focus on really listening and giving him a chance to talk to.

There's no perfect answer. Based on what you've written, if you just stay "yourself" she will feel unheard or misunderstood. That breeds resentment and breaks the bond between couples. Some people in that situation turn to others to find an emotional bond because it's really important to them. That in itself is risky because emotion is the foundation of trust and intimacy. If you take your therapist's advice it will most likely feel awkward for you, and you might start feeling frustration or resentment yourself.

It's not a losing battle, though. I hope that didn't sound pessimistic. I'm just acknowledging that you're right: it's really hard to find that balance where both people feel authentic and both people feel their needs are being met.

My partner is a retired counsellor so he's all about words and feelings. It's overwhelming at times because I have alexithymia and can't even name most of my feelings. I'm selective mute and I don't like talking at the best of times, especially not about emotion. I'm much better doing that in written form. We met just prior to the pandemic and couldn't see each other most of 2020-2021 because of lockdown restrictions. We had to learn to talk on the phone to sustain the relationship. That was pure hell for me because I hate phones. This led to a disaster at one point. I won't go into detail on that, but I've learned to communicate a lot better, and he's learned to trust my emotions and understand me more. We did a very extensive online relationship course which saved us as a couple. It was a lot of work and emotionally exhausting but well worth the months of effort.

Relationships aren't easy. Trust in your partner that you can get through this together, and there might be hit-and-miss experiences along the way. The important thing is your commitment and willingness to try.

Ask her questions about the topic she's talking about, engage and interact.