Me?

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I was evaluated on June 5th this year and it turns out that I am on the Autism Spectrum. I will turn 65 in July. The possibility that I even might be anything other than the dread "normal" did not rear it's head until 2 years ago.

My evaluation also included things like chronic PTSD, possible ADHD, and panic/anxiety disorder. The shame of coming out as not "normal" (I am using the word purposely because it has been the bane of my life. I much prefer neurodiverse) was far worse that when I realized that (by the way) I am gay.

I have been so shutdown all my life, due to a great deal of childhood trauma, and a mother that treated me as though I was a specimen in a jar, not like a squirmy little kid that needed to be silly. As such I not only had tunnel vision (4th grade, the worse year of my life) but tunnel focus. I could not be anything other than my mother's vision of what "normal" was. Anything else was fixed. The difference between fixing and helping, I am told by my loving partner of 20 years, is that fixing does not require any input from the person being fixed.

The las two years has been earth shaking. Not only have I realized that I really did know something was wrong growing up, but there was SO much more going on around me that had NEVER even entered my field of focus. Things like starting to understand the love songs I have been hearing and that my parter really was there for me and beyond all wonder, loves me in spite of being me. On top of all of the is the horror of realizing how miserable I was, how hard I was working to mask, how bad it was, and how angry I am about all of it. My world, and head, has turned inside out several times.

This is a result of 30 years of therapy and a desire on my part to figure out why everyone around me kept telling me not to be so lazy and I felt, something wasn't working. I am working of finding the things I need right now. I have leads, and am in the process of finding medication (if that is what I need), and I have an appointment to talk to another therapist about what my next steps need to be.

My partner is great and supportive but I feel I need something else. Even giving myself permission to be bothered by something, have it matter, and to be able to do something about it is new to me. My will to rebel was broken very early and respect for "adults" caused me to go along with what doctors and those "in charge" said. Having an opinion, and not just excusing everyone around me, is so strange.

So what am I looking for here? I haven't a clue. I know there is a community out there. Wrong Planet is so close to the way I feel. I keep using the word weird when I think I mean strange or unfamiliar. Is my story weird? I told my last therapist that if I read my case notes as fiction I would have a great deal of trouble suspending disbelief. I guess it would be nice to hear from a wider community. My view of reality growing up seemed to always be in question. What about now?

Remember this, the answer to the question which is your thread title is that you are still you.
Getting those diagnoses did not magically transform you in to a strange and different person.
What has changed is knowledge, you now know a thing, some things, exist, are happening, have been happening, & knowing what they are makes it easier to find the tools and ways of being which will allow you to best work with what you have, with who you are.

Applying that knowledge and those tools will bring changes, and positive changes are the hope and desire.

Even so, jhall57 will still be jhall57 with all the same body and memories and experiences.

Nope....you're not "WrongPlanet" weird----you're WrongPlanet normal!

I've read almost identical stories quite a few times over my 8 years here. There are at least three here who have been diagnosed past the age of 60.

I'm on the other side, so to speak. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3, back when the Beatles came to America.

Welcome to the Site.

I've always been autistic and don't know how to be anything else.


I am just me and i am ok with it.

I hope things go well for you and you resolve things for youself.

mhs think its cause i was criticised for not being social....no not really its the being forced.

please dont force me

op ITS OK to be autistic....it really is.

^It's rather unfortunate that you weren't diagnosed at an early age.

As for me, it was plain to all observers that I was not able to interact with the other children----so they didn't force me. It was proposed that I be institutionalized. Somehow, my mother saw "something" in me, and decided to refuse institutionalization and, instead, try to sort of "force" the autism out of me. She partially succeeded.

yeah, I was surprised at diagnosis in my late 60s too! It was a huge relief in a lot of ways to learn everything was not after all "all my fault". It took 70 years to get this far, 3 of those years I have now understood about my autism. I suspect I'll be sorting old hurts and experiences with new understanding til I die. It is like "culture shock" and I'm still finding "aha" moments when I see how autism has worked behind the scenes all along, or when I relate to something other autistic people say shows we are autistic... so nice to learn I am not alone! Glad to meet you, glad you are here!