New to all forums

Post Reply New Topic

Hello. I'm not really into forums - sometimes start but never follow up - but I'm trying to connect to other Autistic people and don't have a good way to do that in my local community. So here I am, I'll really try to reply and make some connections.

I have been exploring whether I am Autistic for about a year. It irks me to not have a diagnosis because I'm very much a rule-follower and like to have everything laid out well by professionals with expertise. But I don't have access to a dignosis at this time. It is abundantly clear to me that I am Autistic, though, so I guess I shouldn't let that be a hang-up to finding connections and resources.

About me. I'm 45 and a successful lawyer in Washington State. My current job is not the best fit for my Autistic needs - lots of chaos, emotional people and situations, change, task-switching, long hours, and the job is HIGHLY people-focused. I worked for 16 years to get exactly this job, then within a year I realized I was Autistic and now I wonder whether I'm putting myself through some unnecessary misery to keep at it. One of the reasons I want a diagnosis is so I can "come out" at work and ask for some things and see whether the job can be better for me. One easy example is that I have lunch meetings typically 3/5 days when I need to REST. I've talked with my bosses about this, but without an ADA accommodation, I am confident it will not change. I get paid a good salary, great vacation and benefits, and I'm in a bit of a "golden handcuff" situation where it is not so easy to leave. I also get a huge reward out of my job and a feeling that I am making the world a better place. But, I'm developing a plan B for early retirement or career change if this becomes too much to bear.

Family is another issue. I have an amazing marriage of over 20 years. My husband has ADHD and we get each other and our quirks. I have two kids, age 10 and 13. Parenting is good now that they are older, but it was extremely difficult on me when they screamed and cried and could not communicate their needs. Babies are overrated. My mother has her own issues and I haven't told her about the Autism yet and am not looking forward to it - probably just need to rip off the bandaid. My father died and now it is SO obvious that he was Autistic - like, totally 100% classic display. It helps for me to know and it's sad that he was not understood for what he was during his lifetime.

I have also been diagnosed as Bipolar NOS and I really doubt this is an accurate diagnosis. I have always doubted this, even before getting information about Autism. If it's bipolar, it's an extremely strange presentation. I respond to mood stabilizers, mainly they work on my anxiety, which makes life better, and all other anti-anxiety meds have a massive rebound effect on me. But basically, my symptoms are being hyper, obsessive, anxious, and then occasionally going into burnout mode where I lay in bed in the dark every possible moment of the day. Sound familiar?

I've learned how to make friends, although it basically took me 40 years and I have a constant "play-book" running in the back of my head (a gift is reciprocated by another gift of equal or slightly greater value; they texted last time, I text next time). I also do a lot of fawning, which sometimes works but sometimes turns people off and which can seem phony even to me. I have had a huge number of friends drop off the face of the earth, including good ones, and a lot of people say that "I should know" what they are upset about. I really don't know. No tricks. This has caused a lot of heartache for me.

Well, that's enough of an information dump for now. It feels good to get this out there into the ether to be read by some sympathetic folks. And in case you feel the need for permission, I solicit advice and suggestions if you have any. No need to be so-called "polite" to me!

-Moloko

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!

In case any of the following information might be useful, I'll share it:

Do you have health insurance? I went through my health insurance provider to get my Adult Autism Assessment. It was included under the Mental Health coverage of the plan.

When I asked my insurance provider about it they were immediately willing to help. Unfortunately, I don't think they handle many Adult Autism Assessments so they didn't know how to help. They gave me bad referrals (to providers who couldn't do the assessment); after a few of those they told me I could find a provider to do the assessment but they gave me incorrect information about what kind of provider I needed! Their confusion added months of delay to me getting an assessment.

It turns out the correct answer for what kind of provider I needed was a psychologist. Just that, a psychologist.

Not all psychologists can do an Adult Autism Assessment but I suspect they won't take the job if they can't do it.

I used the National Register of Health Service Psychologists "Find a Psychologist" to find the psychologist who did my assessment. I didn't see any who advertised that they did that kind of assessment (probably because that kind assessment is uncommon) so I looked for psychologists in my area who worked with autism and patients as old as me (I was 64 at the time), then telephoned them to see if they could do the assessment (and the person who answered the phone didn't know and had to check!).

The psychologist I went to was out-of-network for my insurance but my insurance and Medicare still covered about half the cost.

Some online sites exist that, though they cannot do a diagnosis, can support the need for an assessment:
<=>- Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test
<=>- Aspie-Quiz ^{Registering is OPTIONAL!}

Good Luck!

You mentioned being diagnosed with bipolar. I have heard that a lot of people on the spectrum were missdiagnosed with bipolar, and the main differences are that bipolar is a condition where it takes three or four days to go from an up to a down (And those ups and downs are extreme) but with autism, some people can go between ups and downs within an hour and often several times a day which never happens that quick with bipolar. The reason why it never happens that quick with bipolar, is that bipolar is a chemical imbalance in the brain so takes time to go from one extreme to another. Autism has a totally different cause which is brain cells not making connections where they should. (Autism is a development dissorder and while tje brain is growing, it can compensate for the brain cells which don't connect by excessively growing braincells elsewhere instead, so the autistic individual can be one of extremes where he or she could struggle to do basic day to day tasks and yet be a complete genius in other areas where there is no consistancy like an an allistic person would be. (Allistic as in a person who is not autistic).

Why it is important to be correctly diagnosed for either bipolar or autism (Of course, in rare circumstances one could be unfortunatel enough to have both), is that bipolar can be directly controlled via medication where the individual can take medication where doctors carefully keep adjusting the dose to get it right, and the medication is basically adding the right chemicals to restore the chemical balance to the brain. Now if the condition s caused by autism, and one is on bipolar medication, one is not just dealing with difficult autistic mood swing traits, but one is through the medication also dealing with a new chemical imbalance on top of it!
Now there is no medicated cure for autism, but there is medication to help deal with some of the effects of certain undesirable traits, but one is medicating to dull the effects of the traits and not to directly deal with autism. With bipolar one is medicating to directly correct the negative efects of bipolar as one is medicating to correct the chemical imbalance by introducing the right chemicals via the medicine to chemically stabilize the patient if that makes sense?

I really don't know a lot myself though as what I know I came to know by doing a youtube binge when trying to find out all I could about autism. I am on a list waiting to be assessed.

welcome! its a lot to sort out, what is autism what might be something else, etc. the longer we have lived the more we have to sort. Glad you are with us.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

For me, I found that it was easy to have two lives. My work life and my home life. They were two separate worlds to me. I worked hard and did everything required and more to meet the requirements of work in order to live a very free and energetic life at home. My home life was fabulous. And this approach worked well for me. I worked for 40 years and have been retired for over 10 years now.

I think that having Asperger's and having bipolar may exist together for some people. It is a way for the body to release excessive stress. One of the ways NTs release stress is through sports. So if you can find high energy sport it can help offset and minimize the effects of bipolar. It doesn't take an extreme amount of time but the sport must push you to your limits.

This is a helpful, in-depth perspective, Mountain Goat. My bipolar diagnosis is based on two, 15-minute assessments conducted 25 years apart. The first was an emergency diagnosis in my youth when I experienced one manic episode after starting antidepressants. The second was based on that faulty, historical diagnosis when I also experienced some mania-like symptoms after trying antidepressants again. So, both times I had mania it was after taking antidepressants. Does that mean I'm bipolar or extra sensitive to antidepressents, just like I'm extra-sensitive to every pharmaceutical? Hmm? The psychiatrists I've seen were not willing or able to give me complete assessments. American mental health care sucks.

However, Depakote has been helping me for the past year, not because it stabilizes mood swings but because it eliminates my anxiety. I'm going to stay on it until I have better support. I also very much wonder whether the "up" moods that I have are merely socially-unacceptable intense focus. I get a new special interest and I'm "manic" about it until I move on to the next thing.

I have heard about "rapid" or "ultrarapid" bipolar cycling, which also doesn't fit me. I'm chipper every morning and exhausted almost every night, which I now understand is due to masking and tolerating stimuli that overwhelms me.

Hey, thanks! About 10 minutes after I saw your post, there was a women's online meetup through Square Pegs. I was able to attend and have very good connections with a few people. I'll keep up with these resources to try to find more friends and mentors.

One very strange part of this experience is to have had a lifelong perception that I am very unique, then to find many other people who are like me in the ways in which I thought I was alone in the world. Earth-shattering!

[/quote]
In Washington State, there is a group called The Square Pegs Adult Autistic Meetup Group that's based in Seattle and has satellite groups elsewhere in Washington State. I don't know if any of them are conveniently located or otherwise suitable, but I thought I should bring it to your attention.

Also, if you have not done so already, you might want to check to see if the Washington Autism Alliance and/or the Autism Society of Washington have an support groups for adults on the autism spectrum.[/quote]

I thought I was unique as well. Probably am! Hahahaha! But yes. To find someone in real life in this world who actually understands...