Trouble with formulating correct responses

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This sounds silly because I would think by now being almost 40 I would know how to do these things correctly. When I'm writing a text or trying to talk (especially with a phone call, or even in person) about a touchy topic or something I tend to ask my husband how to correctly word a response because somehow I seem to get it wrong in conveying to the other person exactly what I mean. Like there is some magic formula of exact words to get the exact point across that you want. He is a master at being able to do this.

For instance, I had a relative ask me by text if we were going to be coming out for a visit (we tend to go up once a year, but are not this year), and the response I thought of I asked my husband about, my response was "we won't be able to", but he brought up good points about why that isn't a good response because he said "then they will want to know why" and he said to say it more like "we aren't making the trip this year" because then it is more of a statement that doesn't invite questioning as to why (the "why" involves info I don't want to give to the relative). I just don't think of all these things, sometimes I convey the wrong thing or people think I mean one thing and its another because I don't know how to properly convey sometimes. Ugh this is frustrating this is why I just hide in the house and don't talk a lot. Its like I need to know the exact formula of words to convey what I mean with no misunderstanding, and usually end up messing it up somehow without meaning to.

I also do so plenty.

And I somewhat know why. Words are just not natural to me.

They're more like patterns to me than, say, whatever context.

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It helps if you can figure out what the other person needs or wants to know about, but there is no guarantee of success. When making excuses for not doing something, we usually select from several causes to find the one most likely to seem reasonable to the listener. Even the best communicators get feedback through several cycles so they can correct problems that crop up. If words were infallible, there would not be whole university courses about what various books "really" mean. There is also a huge problem with wanting to put square pegs into round holes. Sometimes, an idea just won't fit in the space available, either by volume or shape of the current contents.

I got this good book about how to navigate the neurotypical world, written by an autistic person. A Field Guide to Earthlings by Ian Ford.

The best advice in it was that neurotypical people only understand what someone is saying if they use the correct words, kind of like trigger words. Therefore we can explain something 10 different ways and they won't get it, but if we use the trigger words, it suddenly clicks with them. They can't piece it together from clues. This is probably because they are used to only communicating with other neurotypical people who use the same words as them. When they meet someone who uses different words, it throws them.

It's like SEO on websites, you have to use the correct words that people search for.

There is a technical name for this situation but I can't remember it. Symbol Representation or something.

I've had this happen numerous times: trying to explain something to people over and over, but they stare blankly. Then I somehow hit on the right words and they go 'Ohhhh! Why didn't you say so?' Erm...I did. I gave you all the information.

I have Ford's book, and it reminds me of the people who advertise "How to Speak English Good."

I will have to check out that book, thanks for the suggestion. Anything to help decode and make it easier!

Funnily enough, I've actually seen NTs not knowing what to reply in a text about a touchy subject.
Sometimes I can think of something really good to put, other times I can only think of the same old cliches like "oh dear, hope you feel better soon" type (if the other person is saying they've been diagnosed with an illness or something).

It's not that I ever put the wrong thing, I just worry that I don't sound like I care much or something. I do, I just can't think what to put other than the same clichés. I feel it's better when talking face to face with someone because you can use facial expressions or other gestures to put emphasis when you're expressing sympathy and you don't have to use the same old cliches to much. I can look much more interested then than when I'm texting. I know there are emojis and I do use them (although not on WP because I don't like these ones much).

The other thing that annoys me is, so many 'gurus' or whatever advise us to be clear and direct with people. They say that people appreciate those who are clear and direct, and trust them more.

Well that is complete nonsense in my experience. I am clear and direct but I'm accused of being rude, blunt, harsh etc. People prefer those who skirt around the subject, phrase things in flowery language, drop hints about what they mean.

At least that's what it's like in England. Directness is NOT appreciated. It has got me a reputation as being rude and someone to avoid.

What's a girl to do? *shrugs*