im feeling suicidal

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i started using drugs at 13 to manage my intrusive ocd thoughts. I am 18 now and ended up using meth at 17. I feel no way out and taking my life sounds really tempting nowadays

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

I thought a lot about suicide from middle school to college. It took me time to realize it, but most of my suicidal thoughts were intrusive thoughts. I eventually became obsessively afraid about being in high places because I was afraid I'd jump off impulsively. So I refused to ever go to the top of a building or a cliff or go over high bridges while driving, or look out of windows while someone else was driving.

I got a therapist that specializes in OCD and PTSD. It really helped me understand where these thoughts were coming from, and that they don't make me a bad person, quite the opposite. It's my mind trying to protect me. As for anxiety medication, I never took meth. Welbutrin has worked well for me though.

Back then I never thought about the future. I was worried I didn't have one. I'm pretty happy now though. Still some rough days, but I love my house, my dogs and cat, my significant other. I got my dream job and I have some really good friends.

I guess what I'm saying is it can get better. You aren't a bad person for having intrusive thoughts. Hang in there!

Please do not tell any mandated reporters about your suicidal ideation

Some counselors acted like the correct answer to "how are you doing?" is "perfect". All other answers are wrong and the punishment for a wrong answer:. Fifty one fifty

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Please google "failed suicide attempt injury". Plenty of people tried and failed at suicide and then they incurred a lot of unpaid medical bills

To see a way out, you have to explore. A closed door does not look very promising, but leads to a vast new array of possibilities. In the depression, men were hopping freight trains to look for opportunity, even if both directions had equal numbers. Withdrawal can feel like the end of the world, but it passes like a childhood disease.

The key thing I wish someone would have told me when I was having intrusive thoughts as a kid - your brain is always running homeostatic tasks, it's so much of what emotion is and so much of both pleasurable daydreams breaking through when your life is hell or intrusive thoughts when it seems like nothing particular interesting is going on.

I don't know if any of that will resonate because I don't know to what extent you're grappling with OCD, just that it's an open question whether there are some tactical lock-picks on the matter that might still work for you that you haven't chanced on yet.

As for suicide as a solution I know of people who've killed themselves over tinnitus, it's a place I can't speak of because I haven't been there. As with anything like this, might sound ridiculous obvious to say it but chose wisely.

suicidal thought is as the first defence response to a challenge (insurmountable challenge?) or blockade,
some animals play(pretend) death with a predator, the idea is not to BE dead
from that bottomline, lowest common denominator, every thing else is up
or in vid game refence, if you fail you can replay the scene/challenge, but if you push the {suicide/ new person} button you have to start the game from the very beginning again

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism
personally i found Sartre unreadable, but Dostojevski is very accessable for young adults, imho

this society lives in the fear of pain, don't let the advertised ailments live in your head,
take the mindcontrol in your hands, find a goal, or if you haven't any yet, do some work, the benefit of accomplishing anything are gigantic, even with small tasks like cleaning up your room

There are a number of bad choices one can make that can lead to despair. There can be a way out, but it can be hard and require perseverance.

Consider a group like AA or NA where people have been able to recover a life from addiction.

When I feel stuck in a low mood, I like to remember the end of a science fiction book I read. Our hero has to locate their home universe and planetary history from a selection of simulations for transportation home. Seeing what the future had become, he decides to keep scrolling, even though the computer warns him that he can't live in any of the others. When he finds one he likes, he tells the computer to keep adding more details, as it keeps telling him he is wasting his time, until at max resolution the computer decides it is a real world.