Hey, Lorenzo here!

Post Reply New Topic

Hey everyone!

I'm Lorenzo, marching towards 30yo and i'm starting to have some doubts about me!

Covid years brought a lot of time to self-reflect & think about life & past decisions.
One day i stumbled upon some Autism-Related videos on YouTube (maybe the algorythim knows me better than i do! ), and started to read about the subject.

As i went through multiple articles, i started to look at some my behaviours & episodes from my life on a different light...

"Could it be me?"

That's my brief experience, sorry for the wall of text!

Since i was a child, i was never big on social things.
Most of my friends did things after school, like go playing, go to the swimming pool, do stuff.
I much preferred to go back home & do the things that i really liked, like playing videogames or read, or draw.

Secondary school & High school were though times.
I was never able to fit in the groups. I just didn't get them.
Ironically enough, the lessons & the studying were the easiest parts for me, and i basically hated everything else that was revolving around social skills.

With time i forced myself to do some things that i found pointless & hard to do, in order to be at least socially acceptable.
So i managed to navigate through the high school years, made some friends, graduated, all "fine"

But after that, it was decision-making time, and it was even harder!

I tried different things, courses, different jobs & stages, but always had to comeback to do things on my own.
I felt the pressure on the job: as long as i organized a strict plan of action, doing things in a rigid order & stuff it was all fine.
But as soon as something unexpected came in and i had to shift gears, change assignement or even improvise, it was VERY difficult for me.

But the main reason i left some jobs was that i didn't feel that i managed to estabilish the right connection with the other employees.
I had to plan the right moments to try talk, or crack a joke & stuff, but i probably failed miserably most of the times.
As soon as groups started to emerge, i was always in the tail end of it, and struggled to understand what to do next.

I went home mentally exhausted, from the pressure of the job & the over-thinking about all the social dynamics that i had to comprehend.

So i reverted to do things on my own mostly, doing video-making, montages & writing, a thing that i loved since my teen years, and where i'm good-ish at.

Talking about relationships: no much to tell, always struggled to keep one alive.
As soon as someone gets very close to me, i kida get scared: as if i'm afraid to show them my true colours (wich i don't even know what they are, to be honest)

I've got a small group of friends wich i know since my teen years.
With some of them i feel pretty comfortable, because i know exactly what they want to talk about and how to behave in their presence.

But when there's a group above 4 or 5, i struggle big time to find the right time to talk or follow the ongoing discussion in an active way.
As a result, i'm by far the most silent of the group, and probably the other guys think i'm just not interested or a douche!
And sometimes it's maybe true, beacause i don't get many of their interests.

(like, most normal things that all people do in the weekends, like go out having a drink, or going to the club).

But other times i may be interested in a matter of discussion, and i can't seem to find the right words to enter the discussion properly.
Words just won't come out as they should be, or don't come out at all!
I may even stutter or mispronounce things when the situation gets intense.

Chaotic situations doesn't suit me either: other people are in the mood in places like discos, concerts, ecc.
I'm not, just can't get in the same spontaneous state.

I have peculiar interests & a lot of knowledge in things that nobody cares about, like movie soundtracks or animes, and i feel very ignorant in things that interests most of the people.
As a result, in social discussions i often struggle to find things to talk about, and i may appear to be a bit chilidsh in my behaviour from the outside.

But in general: i feel it's the over-thinking that's killing most of my relationships with the external world.

Every social activity is a source of stress for me, beacause i FEEL i need to behave in a certain way.
I can't mantain eye contact for more than a few seconds.
I'm not even sure at wich eye i should look. The right or the left? It's so hard!
Sometimes i catch myself wearing sungless even when the sun is set, so i can look at people in the eye without feeling the "pressure" of a direct contact.

Also i don't like my physical appearence at all, so during a conversation i spend most of the time thinking how should i react, how should i move my facial muscles in order to look half decent, ecc.

Obviously, the consequence is below zero self-confidence, as i look nervous & ankward most of the times.
When i get home i tend to over-analyze every minute of interactions, and i can often loose sleep over that.
Cause i may feel bad about things i said or didn't say, things that i might have interpreted wrong ecc ecc

Improvisation is not for me, in general.
For example i have to plan nights out or meetings with friends at least a few days in advance.
So i can arrive mentally prepared at the event, and act better.
After big social events, as birthdays, weddings or similar, i often feel mentally & physically wrecked for the following week.

And i don't drink, you know.

In text messages i can do slightly better, but sometimes i find myself losing 20-30 minutes, or even an hour to think about the right message for the reply.
Because in my head i'm thinking at all the possibile reactions of the person i'm talking to.
And as a result my final message is always a watered down version of that first draft.

When i'm feeling sad, depressed or i'm struggling, i often isolate.
I may not reply to group chats for days, and i won't show up to group meetings beacause i don't even know what to talk about.

Also i don't know what's up with my ears.
I can hear sounds that others don't seem to notice.
In these periods of COVID & bad news around the world, i find myself trying to avoid most of the News reports on TV: it's causing me anxiety and it's killing my creativity, that i need.
But i can hear it clearly even if the TV is two rooms away and i've closed the door.
So i have to put some music to cover up that sound.
Also i can feel my heartbeat clearly when i go to bed: it's so distracting that sometimes it's causing me trouble for sleep..
But maybe that's common!

Sometimes i seem to find comfort by laying a bit on the floor.
Yeah that's weird!
Actually i stretch & exercise a lot during the day: not sure if it's an obsession for fitness or what else.
Expecially when i need to go out, i feel like i need to be at the top of my game phyisically to be socially accettable.
Sometimes i'll be hesistant to leave the house when i feel like i'm not at my best. (wich is a very low bar, trust me!)

Also, strange thing with concentration & stuff.
When i'm the zone, i'm on it and i can get things done fast & properly.
But when i have to think about new projects or taking decisions, i find myself wandering, almost day-dreaming, my mind jumps around like crazy, and i struggle to focus.
Some days are ultra productive, others are just a waste, like a waiting-mode, with nothing good done.
Can happen that people around me notices that i'm flying high with the mind, and i'm not really there with them, on Planet Earth.

Family gatherings, when relatives, cousins ecc comes for Christmas or birthdays.
They almost feel like a death sentence to me.
Everyone is expecting you to be warm, talktive, everyone is curious about how you're doing in life & stuff.
And i just sit there, struggling for words, as i'm looking for the fastest way out.

Love sports tho.
Obviously individual ones, like Cycling or running in the woods.
Makes me feel free, and much more relaxed in general.

That's pretty much it, ye that was long!

I feel like i'm in a Limbo atm: i see all my other childhood friends getting success & moving forward, while i feel i'm stuck in a Labyrinth inside my head, struggling to find the way out.

Maybe i should just accept the fact that i seem to work a little bit different than the others & move on?

Can you guys relate to some of my experience?

I know there are some autism online tests around the web: not really sure how reliable they are tho.
Out of curiosity, i did some, scored between 35-40 most of the times.
Dunno..

I'm not looking for excuses for my life experience so far, the choices i made were mine after all!
Not even sure i would need an official diagnosis, in case.
I'm just looking forward to understand myself more, so i can handle things better in the future & do better!

Maybe this can be a start for a process of self-discovery, in this place, with you guys & gals!

Thanks for having me in this forum, sorry for the very long post!
And... Grazie mille!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!

I can relate to some of your experiences but neither I nor anyone else here can diagnose you via WP.

You especially don't want me to attempt it. I was 64 before I even suspected I might be on the Autism Spectrum.

Here are a couple of online resources you might find interesting:
<=>- Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test (AQ)
<=>- Aspie-Quiz ^{Registering is optional!}
The AQ test convinced me my suspicion about being on the Autism Spectrum wasn't just in my imagination. It persuaded me to seek a formal assessment.

Note, however, you do not need a formal diagnosis to enjoy WP! Just being interested in the topic is sufficient—even for the folk who know with certainty that they are not Autistic.

Hello.

Very well written.

I feel like you have a good understanding of yourself.

I can relate to the social anxiety creeping up on you at various social events.

Whether or not you are autistic, only you can shape a life that is the most fulfilling.

It could be as simple as limiting your friends to people like yourself.



Good luck--

Misha

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I read your long post. Some of your description indicates you may be in the right place. Generally most people on the site either have been evaluated by professionals or taken an on-line test over the internet to help them determine that they are in the right place. There are some good test which are available on-line that are free and can provide you with some validity that you are in the right group.

You said:
But other times i may be interested in a matter of discussion, and i can't seem to find the right words to enter the discussion properly. Words just won't come out as they should be, or don't come out at all!
In my case having group conversations with several people is difficult. I am a little slower than most people and by the time I decide to enter a conversation, the group has moved onto a new subject or gone through several different subjects and I am out of place. So it can be very hard to participate.

I have peculiar interests & a lot of knowledge in things that nobody cares about, like movie soundtracks or animes, and i feel very ignorant in things that interests most of the people.
That sounds like an Aspie (Asperger's Syndrome) trait.

I can't maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds.
Definitely an Aspie trait.

It looks like Double Retired provided a couple links to some on-line tests. Take them and see where you fit.

Willkomen