PSA: You aren't single for the reason you think!

Page 1 of 1 [ 8 posts ] 

Mitchell M.
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 5 Jul 2022
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Posts: 55
Location: United States

05 Jul 2022, 10:43 am

Am I the only one who is tired of hearing the same tired discussion about dating and autism.
"Oh the neurotypicals have it so much better than autistics in terms of looks, no girl would ever want to date me"
or
"Autistic people are 50% never dated at age 40, its over"

This kind of stuff really pissed me off because for the most part dating is about exposure. Now I'll admit I don't know where on earth to meet people, but I genuinely think that people on these sites have got it all wrong. As someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was a child, I was sent to a special-ed school (almost all males, of course) where I simply wasn't able to grow up talking to women. After you are an adult, it is assumed that you already have practice making friends, and I SERIOUSLY don't know where on earth people hang out. I think this is the case for a lot of people on the spectrum, and I am tired of people talking about dating with such anti-autistic and anti-women sentiment. It is probably not because you are "ugly", nerdy, awkward, or weird, it is because you were kept from society. Does anyone else agree with me?



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,706
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

05 Jul 2022, 12:19 pm

I agree that not meeting people can be a major factor as to some of us being single but there are lots of other potential factors as well. There are also reasons we tend to avoid society. Lots of us were majorly bullied for our various autism issues & we tend to be misjudged for our autism issues. Even if we constantly try to put ourselves out there, we can still majorly struggle with getting relationships due to others having negative opinions about us. There's some Aspies on this forum who regularly try to get out there & meet people but they still struggle majorly with getting a relationship. I think instead of simply going to places our NT peers typically go, we should try to figure out where to meet people who would be more compatible & accepting of us. For example I met my 2nd & then my current girlfriend on this forum.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,395
Location: Cardiff, Wales

05 Jul 2022, 12:33 pm

I just seem to have a life where i meet a lot of new people constantly, i've met women who i suspect had autism and I did almost form a relationship with them...but something out of my control would sabotage it each time. I feel cursed to be honest.



Mitchell M.
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 5 Jul 2022
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Posts: 55
Location: United States

05 Jul 2022, 2:21 pm

There is also an element of luck to be honest, but I hate seeing people quote that "incel" s**t. It is true that going out and meeting people could fail for reasons outside of your control, I feel that too, especially with finding like-minded people with similar interests.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,706
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

05 Jul 2022, 8:58 pm

Mitchell M. wrote:
There is also an element of luck to be honest, but I hate seeing people quote that "incel" s**t. It is true that going out and meeting people could fail for reasons outside of your control, I feel that too, especially with finding like-minded people with similar interests.
I hate the incel stuff too but the term & accusations of incel do get thrown around a bit too much. I've had similar accusations thrown at me before & I'm a male feminist. It's exteremly pathetic that some members here are so hatefull towards each other instead of trying to date other members. It's really NO surprise that some autistics of both genders have such a hard time getting & keeping relationships.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,582
Location: Australia

05 Jul 2022, 9:21 pm

They say the simplest explanation is usually the best.

It makes sense that people with a condition that impairs social skills will struggle more with dating on average.

Given that men are expected to take a more proactive role in courtship than women, and one's ability to be successful in that more proactive role largely hinges on one's social skills, it makes sense that autistic men tend to struggle more with finding partners.

What you've said about difficulty breaking into the social scene is also true, especially with few good ways to meet people, and people increasingly looking at screens all day and not going outside.

I would argue that both of these factors work together to make it extremely difficult for those of us on the spectrum who aren't socially well-connected to start dating, or even make friends.



klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,395
Location: Cardiff, Wales

06 Jul 2022, 9:53 am

After thinking about it , my 2 best relationships were with girls who seemed to have asd , so the advice to pursue those types I would agree with.

I only met about 2-3 girls who had asd out of like 100 people that I met though...



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,706
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

06 Jul 2022, 6:27 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
What you've said about difficulty breaking into the social scene is also true, especially with few good ways to meet people, and people increasingly looking at screens all day and not going outside.
It's not uncommon for people in general to meet partners online these days & some things I've read about autism & dating 12+ years ago kinda recommended that we try to meet people online since we tend to do better with technology & texting & emailing than we do with in person social interaction. Online we don't have to worry about facial expressions, body language, tone of voice & such unless we're doing vid chat or actual talking. Plus online we are more likely to meet people who share similar interests & compatible lifestyles. One big issue I see with it is that those things used to be predominantly male dominated or at least stereotyped to be so it seems like women who were into that tended to have more options. With more people these days being online & meeting others online, the gender imbalance might be less than it used to be but I could be wrong. I used to kinda wonder where women tended to meet guys if they didn't meet guys online cuz women tend to be less interested in bars/clubs & wild parties & such than guys due to safety concerns & guys looking for one night stands there & in some areas like more rural places, there's not much else to do for fun :chin:


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition