Difficulty in socializing I've been struggling with social

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Lizbeth Ann
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08 Jul 2022, 4:05 pm

I've been struggling with socializing. I find myself not understanding what is required of by my social partner. Sometimes I can come off as aloof or disinterested, but it's because I am still trying to assess the request made of me. For example, a friend of mine was telling me a charged story, and I was listening, but I wasn't emoting. So she said to me, "why are you not listening" I responded that I was listening intently and hadn't said anything because I was letting her talk. We are no longer friends. The friendship didn't end due to this conversation but because of minor misunderstandings like this. At first, I just thought that perhaps my friend and I were not a good match, but now I realize that it happens in other situations. Such as recently, I was on a phone interview, and the woman was describing something, and I just allowed her to talk. I thought I was being polite. However, I noticed she blurted out, "are you listening ?" and I was shocked. OF course, I was listening. I want the fricken job.

In general, what are adaptation skills have you learned to cope within social situations.
Also, what resources (books, research, blogs) helped you and why? I'm analyzing my social history and want to know how I can become a better communicator.



Last edited by Lizbeth Ann on 08 Jul 2022, 5:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

klanka
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08 Jul 2022, 4:15 pm

Loads,
I think I automatically made those noises or affirmations when I was listening. I think I overdid it then scaled them back.
I've learnt so many things to help that I cant keep track of them all.



Lizbeth Ann
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08 Jul 2022, 5:20 pm

klanka wrote:
Loads,
I think I automatically made those noises or affirmations when I was listening. I think I overdid it then scaled them back.
I've learnt so many things to help that I cant keep track of them all.

I can relate to what you're saying. I can definitely see myself going to the other extant and overcompensating. Yeah, I could affirm and agree more with the person I am speaking to.



klanka
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09 Jul 2022, 9:56 am

Its hard to improve, but ive found experience to be the only thing. I tried watching videos on youtube and reading articles but I would not find the videos helpful and tried to implement what I learnt from articles in the wrong way. So just trial and error is the only thing. But, you need to be the kind of person who does find themselves in social situations a lot.



Mona Pereth
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10 Jul 2022, 1:23 pm

Lizbeth Ann wrote:
Also, what resources (books, research, blogs) helped you and why?

Years ago I read some helpful stuff on the topic of "active listening." I don't remember the exact sources I used back then, but, a couple of years ago, I put together this list of links to tutorials on active listening.

Important note: You don't have to do all of the stuff in these tutorials. You can probably get a lot of mileage out of doing just whichever parts you find relatively easy.

Also it might be a good idea to explicitly tell people, early in your acquaintance with them, that you have difficulty with listening and responding at the same time, and that you have a tendency to listen quietly and then respond later. That way, people will be forewarned and hopefully will be less likely to take it personally.

Many autistic people, including myself, have attention-focus issues that affect the kinds of conversation we are capable of. If that's the case for you, then you'll never be able to have totally "normal" conversations without a huge amount of effort. In that case I think you should, if at all possible, make a point of seeking out people with compatible conversational styles.


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Lizbeth Ann
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11 Jul 2022, 9:35 pm

klanka wrote:
Its hard to improve, but ive found experience to be the only thing. I tried watching videos on youtube and reading articles but I would not find the videos helpful and tried to implement what I learnt from articles in the wrong way. So just trial and error is the only thing. But, you need to be the kind of person who does find themselves in social situations a lot.

That's good advice, trial and error, and putting oneself in in social situation.



Lizbeth Ann
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11 Jul 2022, 9:37 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Lizbeth Ann wrote:
Also, what resources (books, research, blogs) helped you and why?

Years ago I read some helpful stuff on the topic of "active listening." I don't remember the exact sources I used back then, but, a couple of years ago, I put together this list of links to tutorials on active listening.

Important note: You don't have to do all of the stuff in these tutorials. You can probably get a lot of mileage out of doing just whichever parts you find relatively easy.

Also it might be a good idea to explicitly tell people, early in your acquaintance with them, that you have difficulty with listening and responding at the same time, and that you have a tendency to listen quietly and then respond later. That way, people will be forewarned and hopefully will be less likely to take it personally.

Many autistic people, including myself, have attention-focus issues that affect the kinds of conversation we are capable of. If that's the case for you, then you'll never be able to have totally "normal" conversations without a huge amount of effort. In that case I think you should, if at all possible, make a point of seeking out people with compatible conversational styles.

I look forward to going through those links and learning more about active listening.

I have never heard about finding people with compatible conversational styles. I was starting to blame myself without realizing that there was a possibility of having a third option of finding people with compatible styles.