When your parent is worse than you.

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StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 1:37 pm

I don't have the energy to make a long, descriptive post.. Most of my energy goes in to entertaining my mother, who is in her 70's.. Some background on her.. She's definitely narcissistic to a degree. She can't take criticism, not even constructively, she can't deal with anyone she's related to in any way, be it through context or blood relation, if she sees them as being an embarassment (in her opinion) at the time.. She'll freak out on you in private, or later..

She's a gaslighter, too, and treats certain people a certain way when she thinks no one else is watching, and totally different in person.. She can't ever lose an argument, and will childishly fight for the last word, and continue talking for 30 minutes to an hour at you, if you refuse to argue, until she feels she's obsessively compulsively said her piece...

Being that I struggle with tourettes, autism, OCD, ADHD, as well as other issues like ODD, it can be very difficult to deal with her, and myself, the way she triggers me.. I have to fight myself constantly just to keep a certain line of peace within myself.. I think the only thing helping me to keep it together is the fact that I was homeless for a good 5 years, when I just couldn't take it any more and ran away from home.. I hopped trains all over the country, hitch hiked.. It had a lot of its own traumatic experiences, but at least they differed, and were refreshing..

I can't get my mom to go to therapy, even though she applauds me for coming home and seeing a psychiatrist again finally.. She refuses to think she has any issues, even though she's heard my psychiatrist say (in the past, and presently,) that these issues are all genetic and passed from the parent...

What do I do with this ignorant piece of trash of a mother? I love her, and she has her redeeming qualities, but she makes everyone want to strangle her, and I'm having a hard time waiting for her to die, as painful as it will be when it happens.. (It's hard losing a parent, even a bad one..) I don't understand how she's hanging on this long.. She's been getting drunk and smoking cigarettes since she was 12...



klanka
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11 Jul 2022, 1:41 pm

What makes you think you have ODD (that is oppositional defiant disorder?) I was accused of having that when living with a narcissist, but everyone I've met since would burst out laughing if I asked them if they think I have it.
It was me being presented with requests to do things while living in an unfair situation or being given two choices -both unfair- then being accused of having ODD when pointing out that I shouldn't go along with the situation.

Can you get involved with social groups? Spend a lot of time outside of the house? What is the welfare or benefits system like, what would happen if you asked the government for public housing? (including details of abuse)

There's no point in trying to get her into therapy as she would charm the therapist and have him/her on her side.

Spending time outside the house doesnt solve the problem of course, when I tried to do that it just softened the blow by a tiny bit.


---here is something that is just a theory:
When someone is under the spell or under a narcissists power it could be due to them not facing something in life that they should be facing. In my case: I had tried to work, but didnt have much energy..and being on benefits or welfare was too depressing so I was relying on my wife too much financially.
When I decided that it would be better to simply go back to being on benefits or try working again (with bad social skills and almost no energy) I was allowed to escape the situation. I also turned to God. It's probably not going to help waiting for your mother's death...



StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 1:52 pm

I'm certain I have it, because I do feel an impulsive urge to defy people.. It's not like they say it is though where you do it just to defy.. It's related to OCD, in that way where when you really feel you need to say something, it's hard to stop yourself, or stop yourself from repeating yourself if you weren't heard..

If someone says or does something that I feel is wrong in some way, it's very hard to stop myself from reacting defiantly.. I've gotten better at controlling myself though, but I don't like it.. It's very similar to trying to stop myself from having a tic. It feels like I'm trying to hold in pee, or a laugh, except the feeling is littered with grinding anxiety...



StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 1:54 pm

Posted too quickly without reading the rest of what you said..

I received a lot of trauma on the street, I don't really like socializing with people..

I could probably make a friend and tolerate their company quite well, if I could manage to get through the BS it takes to find/make a friend.. But that's about it.

I still live with my mom though, and can't see myself being able to live anywhere else.. Lack of options. Only thing I can think of is online dating and hoping I meet someone with a place - but I already tried that and everyone I met, I just wasn't compatible with. So.. Meh...

Also, there's nothing to do outside.. Lol.. Skate? Only keeps me entertained by 10 minutes, alone... And yeah, you always gotta return.. Getting out is pointless.



klanka
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11 Jul 2022, 1:58 pm

Quote:
If someone says or does something that I feel is wrong in some way, it's very hard to stop myself from reacting defiantly.
I suppose that would cause issues in certain jobs.

I actually tried the same thing you did. I did just walk out the house with no plan. I ended up going back to the house also.

I had turned to God and asked him what to do , as marriage is pretty sacred in the bible I just didnt want to do the wrong thing in God's sight. So I felt like he was saying to leave..but didnt say how. There was a picture of a policewoman but I didnt understand it fully.

I went up to policemen and said I was in a bad situation. He just said 'get a lawyer'.
Then I tried walking out the house..walked around in the freezing cold and came home..
Then I did what I kind of knew I had to do in the back of my mind but was too scared...I just called the police to the house to take me away. They put me in a good homeless shelter which was actually not a bad place to stay.



StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 2:05 pm

Been there, done all that.. Like I said, I even lived on the street for a long time.. Carried a backpack and sleeping bag, a tent, etc.. Hopped trains.. I've stayed in a lot of shelters too.. Hated them. People steal your stuff, and you get bugs (scabies, lice, body lice, etc.)

I never want to be homeless again...

Marriage is a scam. It can be even if you're a woman, though women have better chances, since the percentage of judges and jurisdictions often rule in favor of the female, but it's possible for men to get lawyers who can have their cases held by the right judge in the right jurisdiction in order to take the woman's money/assets, as well..

Better off just having a relationship without marriage these days, honestly. The stuff prenups take care of only made sense when women couldn't work.. I feel like in a marriage, it should be pretty easy to see who is responsible for what.. In most cases it should just be split 50/50 unless one of them was some kind of business person who made a lot more than the other, without their help...

People like me who are on SSI because they can't work, can't even get married anyway, lol, not without a huge legal hassle, because of the assets involved going over 2k.

Plus, I feel like marriage is a little too much for someone like me to handle, who can't even handle his own mother.. You don't sound like you'd fare too well dealing with that kind of thing either.. Best we can hope for is that the system gets better, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.. The political climate is trash. I wouldn't surprised if we LOST services.



klanka
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11 Jul 2022, 2:17 pm

So I take it the government wouldnt listen if you told them you need a place to stay because of abuse?

I also have been homeless for a year or so.

In my case I had a plan to get a plane ticket back to the UK, (thanks mom). So I was only in the homeless shelter temporarily.

Your solution to the problem will have to be different then as you've tried just running away.



StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 2:24 pm

I could get some subsidized shelter, (I'd have to wait on a list for a half a year,) but at the moment, with how bad prices are getting, because of the inflation.. It would be unwise... I'm good at budgeting my own money, after practicing for so long.. At the rate things are going, I'm needing to save money in order not to lose money... The devaluation of USD is happening too quickly. I'm having to spend cash on food lately, where usually my EBT covers it..



StressToy
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11 Jul 2022, 2:30 pm

My avatar wont work.. grrr



klanka
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11 Jul 2022, 3:53 pm

I felt a lot of relief when I left. My life didnt get much better, say my life was a -10 when living with a narc, its about -5 right now.



DW_a_mom
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12 Jul 2022, 12:14 am

I think family power dynamics make it near impossible for an adult child to force a relatively physically and mentally healthy parent to do anything (when mostly incapacitated, its a different story). I think most adult children set up protective metaphorical walls and boundaries to keep themselves away from a parent's toxic aspects, rather than trying to change the parent. So, basically, my advice is to figure out how you can set boundaries and put up metaphorical walls that will protect you and allow you to continue to share housing in relative peace.


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Texasmoneyman300
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13 Jul 2022, 1:12 am

Sounds a lot like my parents.I can feel your pain.



Ettina
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18 Jul 2022, 4:55 pm

StressToy wrote:
I'm certain I have it, because I do feel an impulsive urge to defy people.. It's not like they say it is though where you do it just to defy.. It's related to OCD, in that way where when you really feel you need to say something, it's hard to stop yourself, or stop yourself from repeating yourself if you weren't heard..

If someone says or does something that I feel is wrong in some way, it's very hard to stop myself from reacting defiantly.. I've gotten better at controlling myself though, but I don't like it.. It's very similar to trying to stop myself from having a tic. It feels like I'm trying to hold in pee, or a laugh, except the feeling is littered with grinding anxiety...


I relate to this so much. I think it's a coping strategy from my terrible first school. It's how I kept from feeling like my soul was dying, to get defiant about every little thing.



KitLily
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24 Jul 2022, 5:51 am

StressToy wrote:
I don't have the energy to make a long, descriptive post.. Most of my energy goes in to entertaining my mother, who is in her 70's.. Some background on her.. She's definitely narcissistic to a degree. She can't take criticism, not even constructively, she can't deal with anyone she's related to in any way, be it through context or blood relation, if she sees them as being an embarassment (in her opinion) at the time.. She'll freak out on you in private, or later..

She's a gaslighter, too, and treats certain people a certain way when she thinks no one else is watching, and totally different in person.. She can't ever lose an argument, and will childishly fight for the last word, and continue talking for 30 minutes to an hour at you, if you refuse to argue, until she feels she's obsessively compulsively said her piece...

Being that I struggle with tourettes, autism, OCD, ADHD, as well as other issues like ODD, it can be very difficult to deal with her, and myself, the way she triggers me.. I have to fight myself constantly just to keep a certain line of peace within myself.. I think the only thing helping me to keep it together is the fact that I was homeless for a good 5 years, when I just couldn't take it any more and ran away from home.. I hopped trains all over the country, hitch hiked.. It had a lot of its own traumatic experiences, but at least they differed, and were refreshing..

I can't get my mom to go to therapy, even though she applauds me for coming home and seeing a psychiatrist again finally.. She refuses to think she has any issues, even though she's heard my psychiatrist say (in the past, and presently,) that these issues are all genetic and passed from the parent...

What do I do with this ignorant piece of trash of a mother? I love her, and she has her redeeming qualities, but she makes everyone want to strangle her, and I'm having a hard time waiting for her to die, as painful as it will be when it happens.. (It's hard losing a parent, even a bad one..) I don't understand how she's hanging on this long.. She's been getting drunk and smoking cigarettes since she was 12...


Sounds like my mother. I tried my best to get on with her but the more I compromised, the more unreasonable she got. I went round and round trying this, trying that, but nothing made my life with her any easier.

All the advice (e.g. Kim Saeed) on how to deal with narcissists says the only thing you can do is get away from them. Somehow, anyhow.

It sounds like a simplistic answer but in the end there is no other answer. Get away and stay away. I'm not over the moon happy with my life but at least I'm away from her and her crazy, blaming, torturing ways.


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Yaomo
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27 Jul 2022, 4:34 pm

My own mother has had a lotbof problems with her behavior. Gets fixated on ideas and makes them a rule for the household, and weird things like that. Was horrendously bad when she was married to a somewhat passive narcissist, the "woe is me" type. She's done some things in life that she still regrets sorely, and then her overcompensing for that has made her children suffer. Most likely has ADHD (hyperactive/impulsive type), which is enough to explain pretty much everything about her, including how she never finished high school.

My older brother, who grew up without her after she just suddenly left when he was 4, actually did strangle her. Though not until death, she got away with just bruises. None of her children wonder why he did it, but I do find it pretty stupid of a 40+ year old to strangle their mom instead of simply tossing her out the door and telling her that he'll never want to see her again. But he has his own pathology, definitely sociopathic.

Anyway,not sure what message I'mbtrying to relay. But please don't actually strangle your mother, and try to find a way to get away.

You could also try talking coldly rather than heatedly when opposing her. She'll think you're mean, but seeing someone break down in tears because someone refuses to be ruled by their egotistical ways of thinking, it does give an interestingly nice feeling.