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How often do you get invited to things
Every day 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Every week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a month 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Every month 5%  5%  [ 1 ]
Few times a year 19%  19%  [ 4 ]
Once a year 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Once in few years 29%  29%  [ 6 ]
Never 29%  29%  [ 6 ]
Total votes : 21

QFT
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12 Jul 2022, 1:47 pm

In the past I kept complaining as to "why don't people start a conversation with me". But recently I realized an even better question to ask: "why don't people invite me anywhere". You see, when I ask about the conversation, I was often told (at least by Fireblossom) "start one yourself". But if I were to ask "why don't people invite me", I don't think anyone would tell you "invite yourself": that would be rude.

Plus it also illustrates the extend of how much I am worse off than others. Because here I am thinking I would be super-lucky if anyone were to talk to me for 5 minutes. But if I compare this to others who actually get invited to places, that would be "begging for cramps".



klanka
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12 Jul 2022, 5:17 pm

Have you said controversial things in church? I can imagine that would be a reason



Joe90
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12 Jul 2022, 5:46 pm

I get invited to family social events, but not colleague social events. Well, a guy at work did suggest that he was going to have a barbecue in his garden and will invite all of us at work including me. I don't know if it will materialise or not but it's still nice to be asked. I don't often get asked by non-family members, which does hurt.


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Jakki
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12 Jul 2022, 6:05 pm

Often because of prior engagements or experiences, am not apt to make public appearances . These days .
But I recall it always feels nice to be asked . :)


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FleaOfTheChill
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12 Jul 2022, 6:50 pm

I'm not sure what you mean by social events.

I have one person I know in my in town, in my 'real life', that I talk to who isn't family and he's homebound and not hosting any events. He does ask if I want to come hang out sometimes. Is that a social event? I dunno. If it is, yes, I get invited to them. Then I get asked if I can help with household tasks. Meh. I don't go see him much. I have a hard enough time keeping up with my place...

I get invited to things my one daughter does...her son's or her dog's birthday (yes, her dog gets a birthday party...she's a lil extra like that). My dad asked me if I wanted to go to thanksgiving at his sister in law's house this past holiday. I'm not sure if those count because they're family.

I don't work now, so I don't have work friends. But when I did work, I didn't get invited to hang out with coworkers outside of work, if that's what you mean. I attended university for a bit but never got asked to hang out outside classes... really though I didn't care because I was at work to work and at school to learn. Same with work, I went to make money, not socialize. My coworkers and classmates loved me for that :lol:

You know, I read threads like these and I'm never sure how to respond or if I should respond. I'm largely asocial and never know how to make sense people who want to be social and are not for whatever reason. Part of me thinks, what's wrong with you? Why do you even want that crap? People slapping on fake smiles and making pointless small talk sounds like hell to me. Why ya'll think that sounds like the end all be all is beyond my comprehension. But the other part of me understands that just because I don't crave interaction with others like that doesn't mean it's not valid and important to you...that it might be everything to you.

So yeah, I don't get invited to stuff, never have and likely never will. For me, that's okay though. I'm sorry it's not okay for you. If I could shove some of my lack of give a damn through my laptop for you I would.



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13 Jul 2022, 2:05 pm

QFT wrote:
You see, when I ask about the conversation, I was often told (at least by Fireblossom) "start one yourself". But if I were to ask "why don't people invite me", I don't think anyone would tell you "invite yourself": that would be rude.


Well, yes and no. Inviting yourself to someone else's party/hang out etc. is indeed considered rude, but the same philosophy that can be used with conversations can be used with that, too:

With conversations, start them yourself. If you start a conversation with the same person a few times and they start starting conversations with you too, great! If they don't make the first move after you've done it a few times, then they're likely only talking to you out of politeness and are unlikely to start a conversation in the future, either. Of course, there are exceptions like those who are too socially anxious to start a conversation themselves, but it's more likely that if someone never starts the conversation themselves then they don't want to talk.

With hanging out, the basic principle is said to be the same: if you invite people to hang out/to parties, then you're likelier to get invited yourself. It makes you easier to approach, or so I've read.
So, if someone tells you how they're going to hang out at restaurant X with their friends, don't ask to join, that would be rude. Instead, make a mental note to ask that person to hang out with you in the same or similiar (or some other, but the kind of place you know them to like is the safest bet) place some other time.

As for the poll, does it include family gatherings and/or formal parties of relatives, or is it just about hanging out and parties with friends? Asking for clarification since my answer would change depending on which of those are counted.



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14 Jul 2022, 5:52 pm

You "invite yourself" by planning your own social event and then inviting others to it.

What sorts of activities do you like or would like to do with people?



Pteranomom
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14 Jul 2022, 6:02 pm

Btw, I'm not sure how to answer the poll because I have joined groups that do things on a schedule and thus there are no invitations. For example, the garden club meets to do garden-related things on Wednesday and Thursday; the sword-fighting club meets on Friday. Visits to extended family are expected, so we just have to coordinate--"would you like us to visit Tuesday or Sunday?"

Other friends I see because our kids play together--"hey, we're going roller skating, want to come?"

Organizing events can be a lot of work and I think even neurotypicals are often quite bad at it.



QFT
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14 Jul 2022, 8:54 pm

Since several of you asked, with family it’s complicated. In my specific case, family doesn’t count since my mom is overprotective so “of course” she would take me along. But it’s her being invited, not me.

As far as others, their situation is different. I noticed that some people, unlike me, would complain their parent neglect them and stuff. So if your family isn’t to be taken for granted then yes it would count.

For example, my mom would easily share money with me, no questions asked, nothing expected back. I don’t think other people’s family dynamics is like that. That’s why my mom taking me along won’t count in my case but might count in other people’s cases.,

As far as scheduled event, that’s a lot easier to answer: no it won’t count. I go to regular events too. Bible study is good example. But that doesn’t count cause it’s not personal: anyone can come.



QFT
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14 Jul 2022, 9:06 pm

Pteranomom wrote:
You "invite yourself" by planning your own social event and then inviting others to it.

What sorts of activities do you like or would like to do with people?


I invited someone in my Bible study to my church. Surprisingly, he started coming there regularly. I say surprisingly cause it’s Messianic church and he wasn’t, at least not until I invited him. Yet, when he started coming, he didn’t give me credit: he just said I was instrument of God. And, more importantly, he invited his friends along, yet he didn’t invite me to lunch with them. Now, two likely reasons are:

1) At one of his events I threw a temper tantrum. I noticed that, after that tantrum, he decided that anger is my main issue as opposed to mere consequence of Asperger, and became less sympathetic.

2) I myself weren’t coming to the churches I invited him to (no time). The time when I came and he didn’t invite me along with his friends was few months after he was coming there with his friend and I wasn’t around.

But, be it as it may, it is still upsetting he didn’t invite me because

—- as far as 1, I can’t undo the past. So it’s frustrating to face the consequences of the past I can’t undo

—- Speaking of 1, he didn’t get mad at me or stop talking. On the contrary, he feels we are similar in some of those ways. But his advice to me changed due to 1, since he doesn’t understand where I am coming from and interprets it in that light. Being misunderstood we is frustrating.

—- As far as 2, he could have told me he was coming and then I would have come too. Yes he came that one time right away (without his friend) but why didn’t he tell me he was continuing coming?

—- When I finally did come, why didn’t he used occasion to introduce me to his friends? As it happened he sat closer to me than his friend, yet he didn’t bother inviting me along after the service.



QFT
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14 Jul 2022, 9:27 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
With hanging out, the basic principle is said to be the same: if you invite people to hang out/to parties, then you're likelier to get invited yourself.


What about the example of that Bible study guy I described in the previous response.

Fireblossom wrote:
So, if someone tells you how they're going to hang out at restaurant X with their friends, don't ask to join, that would be rude. Instead, make a mental note to ask that person to hang out with you in the same or similiar (or some other, but the kind of place you know them to like is the safest bet) place some other time.


Yes and no:

a) If the reason they didn’t invite me is because I don’t invite them, then yes, inviting them would be the most logical way to “fix” this

b) If the reason they didn’t invite me is anything else, then no, inviting them won’t make any sense. In fact, their behavior indicated they don’t want to spend time with me, so if I were to decide to invite someone I would rather invite someone other than them

Now, when you gave me the advice that yiu did, was it because

(i ) You assumed that lack of initiative on my part is the most likely reason I didn’t get invited

or

(ii) You knew it’s probably other reasons, but you disagree with my philosophy about “fixing the cause”



IsabellaLinton
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14 Jul 2022, 11:29 pm

I never liked social events so I stopped accepting invitations or feeling obligated to pretend.

The only "social events" I do are when I care for my elderly mother, or I hang out with my partner.

I have online friends but no interest in real life friends or any type of social life.



QFT
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14 Jul 2022, 11:35 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I never liked social events so I stopped accepting invitations


Well, at least you receive invitations, you just aren’t accepting them. In my case, I don’t receive them on the first place.

How many invitations you received indicates other people’s opinion of you. How many you accepted does not. That’s why the former is more important than the latter.



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14 Jul 2022, 11:41 pm

QFT wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I never liked social events so I stopped accepting invitations


Well, at least you receive invitations, you just aren’t accepting them. In my case, I don’t receive them on the first place.

How many invitations you received indicates other people’s opinion of you. How many you accepted does not. That’s why the former is more important than the latter.


What I meant is that people stopped inviting me places, as well.
I haven't really been invited anywhere with friends for years.
I'm glad. I'm not complaining.

It was more awkward when I had to back out of things last minute, or go but hate it.

I don't think it means people hate me.
I told them flat out I couldn't deal with social obligations or maintain friendships.



QFT
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14 Jul 2022, 11:46 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
QFT wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I never liked social events so I stopped accepting invitations


Well, at least you receive invitations, you just aren’t accepting them. In my case, I don’t receive them on the first place.

How many invitations you received indicates other people’s opinion of you. How many you accepted does not. That’s why the former is more important than the latter.


What I meant is that people stopped inviting me places, as well.
I haven't really been invited anywhere with friends for years.
I'm glad. I'm not complaining.

It was more awkward when I had to back out of things last minute, or go but hate it.

I don't think it means people hate me.
I told them flat out I couldn't deal with social obligations or maintain friendships.


But you used the phrase “stop accepting”, which means they used to invite you until then?



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14 Jul 2022, 11:55 pm

QFT wrote:

But you used the phrase “stop accepting”, which means they used to invite you until then?



I've never been very social. I'm referring to basic things like family weddings and baby showers, retirement parties for colleagues, or neighbourhood barbecues where everyone on my block was invited. When my kids were young I was in a mothers' group at church and some of them wanted to get together at other times, but I nearly always cancelled.

I had a couple of good friends at work and we sometimes went to a movie, but when I left work I stopped having any interest in slugging through interaction.