For Parents

Post Reply New Topic

Dear mom and dad,
I know that you love me.
Thanked God above for me.
Would have died to protect me.
Tried to fix the defective me.

But you didn’t know.
Couldn’t know.
How could you not know?

That you locked me in a straight jacket through clenched teeth whispers of “be still”.
After all it’s just a matter of will.

Don’t rock in the pew,
God sees you.
Sitting still is what good little boys do.

But you didn’t know.
Couldn’t know.
How could you not know?

That you shut me out in a cold alien world
when you sent me to play with the other boys and girls.

Your brothers have so many friends!
Don’t you want to be happy like them?
Of course you do. Run along then.

But you didn’t know.
Couldn’t know.
How could you not know?

That at family holi-holy days when I would hide,
you would sell me out with “he is just shy”.

Then with a smile and a shove
into arms to be raped by hugs
because this is how you show love.

But you didn’t know.
Couldn’t know.
How could you not know?

That I couldn’t hear you if I looked you in the eye
or ask a girl out no matter how hard I tried.

That I panic if I am in a crowd.
That race tracks were just too loud.
That the me I was would never make you proud.

So I did it Mom and Dad,I did it all!
You can be happy now, I built the wall.

And this is one place my talent has no bounds,
so go ahead and look around.
That odd little boy will never be found.

I know that you love me.
Thanked God above for me.

I just wish you could have known me.

That is an excellent poem. Thank you for sharing that.

It's a very hurtful poem for parents who are actually trying their best. I certainly didn't need this sort of thing this evening.

As a victim of actual rape, I found the line comparing hugs to rape pretty offensive, too.

If you have problems with *your* parents, take it up with them. Leave the rest of us parents out of it.

I think you are being harsh. I completely understand about you being offended by the hugs line. I get that. I have also been sexually assaulted. But he is expressing sentiments that many of us actually feel and really relate to. And he does say several times that he knows his parents are trying and that they love him and that they just didn't know.

We understand how hard our parents are trying. But if it becomes hurtful and offensive for us to express how we feel, how will our parents ever understand? And it's ok to feel hurt when someone expresses something like this. You are human. That is allowed. But telling someone that he should not express his own hurt because it makes you feel bad is very dangerous, especially for an Autistic person. You can't be the best parent you can be unless you understand your children. You are doing your best. We love that. We support you in that. But you know that communication with an Autistic child can be challenging. Any insight you are able to have on what we might be feeling or on how things are from our perspective is helpful.

And I understand how the hugs statement is sensitive for you. But I will tell you that even as an Autistic adult, and like I said, I have also been sexually assaulted, some hugs from certain people feel incredibly violating and for some Autistic people, they are also very physically painful. And when you are an Autistic child and you are forced into a hug from someone that you do not trust deeply, the fear can actually be terror and it feels like it lasts an eternity. You cease to have any control or autonomy over your own body. You struggle to breathe and you cannot move. And you can't even say no or stop because you know you will be reprimanded or punished if you do. And then they try to convince you that they are doing this to you because this is how people express love and caring for one another. They completely disregard how you understand expressions of love and they force you to accept theirs which feels incredibly violating. Of course, rape is much more traumatic but the loss of autonomy and being physically controlled by someone who now has complete control of your body and you have absolutely no say in what they will do or for how long, is a similar feeling. It can cause feelings of absolute terror.

Your comment also implies that you assume that he has never been sexually traumatized. You don't know him so you don't know that. What if he has been? From his poem, I imagine his parents have never hurt him sexually but we don't know if something like that might have happened to him by someone else. Many Autistic people, children and adults, are hurt, bullied, and abused in many ways by many people because we are so vulnerable. So to assume that he has never had something like that happen to him is a big assumption. I hope he has never had that kind of experience but we can't know that without him telling us.

Again, I understand how you feel. But reprimanding someone for expressing how he felt as a child is really cruel especially if he is Autistic and might not have been able to ever really communicate any of this with his parents as a child. How many Autistic children and even adults have no way of communicating how they feel to their caretakers? Yet when someone finally does, he gets reprimanded. That's not fair. He did not write this to you personally. He wrote it to his parents. But I think that it is important for all parents of Autistic people to understand that this might possibly be how their kids might feel about some things. Maybe your kids are verbal and expressive and can tell you exactly how they feel about everything. But many Autism families don't have that luxury.

Also, bear in mind that he is a brand new member and this is his very first post and you have no idea how old he is. We have kids who post here who are not even teens yet. And imagine the courage it must have taken for him to post something so personal as his very first post and the very first response he gets, other than mine, is a viscous reprimand. That's really painful. This post was not addressed to you nor was it about you. And just like he has the right to express how he feels, you do as well and we welcome and honor and appreciate and respect how you feel. But the way that you expressed how you feel was incredibly harsh.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all. I honor who you are as a parent, especially the parent of an Autistic child or children. But please also honor us when we try to express what it feels like to be those children.

I meant no offense. Writing is one of the only ways I can express my emotions. My therapist suggested I share publicly.

I have no doubt you are an excellent parent and doing the hardest job in the world the best that you can. Your child(ren) is(are) blessed to have you so engaged.

I am not very familiar with how forums work but maybe there is a way you could block any threads started by me?

I wish you the very best.

There are people who spend their entire lives in a wheelchair because their parents did not know about folic acid.

There are parents who try to help their disabled child learn how to do the best they can in a larger world.

There are parents who sincerely try to fix their child following the advice from "experts" in the educational therapeutic industrial complex.

Some of us come to adulthood from abuse. Some from homes with good intentions. Regardless of the past, we all face the future trying to figure out how to move forward the best we can.

If your therapist suggests focusing on the past to immerse yourself in feelings, it may not be the healthiest path to take. Feelings of injury can lead to resentment and then to bitterness that can poison a life.

Transcendence can be better if you can see your parents as having done the best they could, you might be able to avoid bitterness and hold on to the love is sounds like they wish to extend to you.

Thank you.

I harbor no ill will or animosity toward my parents. I meant only to convey that they did do their very best but were ignorant of what was going on. Very similar to your example referencing folic acid.

I will communicate the concern about past feelings to my therapist as your comment appears to have merit, but I am not well versed in psychology. To be clear, expressing my emotions about the past was not solicited by my therapist. He only suggested I find an outlet to share the feelings after I communicated it to him. This may or may not be an appropriate place to do that and I appreciate all the comments as they are helpful in allowing me to make that determination.

Oddmanout,
First of all, welcome to WP. We are really glad to have you here and I hope you find a "family" among us. I think that sharing your poem here was really fantastic and very brave and I thank you for sharing it. It actually does express a lot of what many of us have experienced and even continue to experience. I know that I related very much. I also understand that you do not harbor bitterness or resentment and I was able to see that very clearly in your poem.

I think that each person has to decide the best way for him or her to process the past and whatever emotions that are there. I, personally, rehash my past traumas all the time because that is the process that works for me. It isn't what works for everyone but it doesn't have to. We each have to understand what is helpful to us and whatever method that may be at any given time, is the method that we should use. So I say, well done in posting this poem and using this forum to help you in the way that works for you. You know yourself best and you are the only one who can decide what works best for you. Thank you again for sharing such a personal and excellent poem.

Welcome to Wrong Planet and thank you very much for sharing your poems. I hope you share more of them in the future. Try not to let the "autism mom's" get you down. As you say, they try.

I don’t think pteranomom wants to block you. It seems like she had a momentary reaction. I doubt she feels ill will towards you. She knows that you know your parents tried hard.

It’s better to lay things out than to keep silent. Thanks for your poem.

I know how you feel. My mother was ashamed of my autism. She was reluctant to introduce me to people even in my adulthood because she thought I would embarrass her. Yet, I know she tried hard.

Pteranomom has autistic kids of varying functionality. She’s raising them to the best of her ability. She gets frustrated sometimes.

How is your life now?

She shouldn't have any reason to block him. He hasn't done anything to her. She just got upset because she was triggered. That is understandable. Hopefully she understands this. I hope that she is ok now and can feel that we do really care about her and support her.

This is a wonderful poem. I like the heart and soul that you've put into it. It speaks volumes to me. I look farward to seeing more poetry from you. Welcome to WP.

My life is good. I do well in many areas but relationships, familial or otherwise, are problematic. It was very considerate of you to ask. I hope you are doing well.

Welcome to wrong planet and I am sorry those things happened to you. It is a credit to you that despite it all you are doing good in a lot of areas. I hope that you will find a way to use your poem-writing ability to your benefit.

When reading your poem I sensed uncertainty about whether you believe your parents should have known. That would depend on when they grew up, where they grew up, and the people they grew up with and have been around since.

My honest feeling: whether the parents "should" have known is sort of "water under the bridge."

I guess I'm lucky that my mother took an active interest in me----but then, she HAD to, because I wasn't talking for most of my preschool years.

I am glad you're doing well in other areas. The fact that you are doing well in many areas will, I believe, assist you in doing better in the areas where you are not doing so well right now.

I am of the opinion that things that happen in the past----should be relegated into the past. I believe in learning from all the crap you went through----but not letting that crap interfere with your future.

As far as with me, I think my parents should have suspected something. My mom now, is really kind of upset that they did not. But I think that, and I can only speak for myself, it speaks volumes about the fact that parents sometimes will not listen to and respect their children. If my parents had listened every time I tried to tell them what was happening and if they had respected me and taken me seriously, I might have been diagnosed a lot earlier than 47. I say "might have" rather than "would have" because so little was known about High Functioning Autism back then. But even if I had not gotten an Autism diagnosis, they would have suspected that I had something. The fact is that every time I expressed a need or a struggle, I was completely gaslighted and invalidated and dismissed. I was told that I could not possibly be feeling or experiencing what I was experiencing so I learned to stop asking for help at a very early age. So in that regard, parents do not get a free pass. Could they have known it was Autism? Probably not when I was growing up. Could they have listened and taken me seriously and known that something was going on beyond the norm? Without a doubt, unequivocally, yes. They did not know because they rejected the very idea that something they were unfamiliar with could be possible. The signs were there. I was verbal and expressive and I cried out for help over and over again. But they chose to not listen. They chose to decide that I was just imagining things and being a hypochondriac. So they don't get a pass for that.