How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

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Have you ever dated a Narcissist as an Aspie?
Poll ended at 29 Aug 2022, 3:16 pm
Yes 33%  33%  [ 5 ]
No 47%  47%  [ 7 ]
Possibly 20%  20%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 15

blitzkrieg
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03 Dec 2022, 12:20 am

Unfortunately, yes I have.



techstepgenr8tion
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05 Dec 2022, 11:42 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
For me, too much flattery or "love-bombing," in the absence of any focus on shared interests or shared intellectual exploration, has always been a turnoff.

Yes, I've never trusted that and it actually creeps me out because it just looks like a ritualistic checklist of 'shoulds'. Even when they're not narcissists it seems to strongly suggest that they don't know who they are or what they're looking for (like they're making up for lack of ability to connect - when connection itself would be more than enough).


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RiverLad
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08 Dec 2022, 10:59 am

Ask if they like cats, most don’t as cats are not easily controlled… :cat:



nick007
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08 Dec 2022, 6:31 pm

RiverLad wrote:
Ask if they like cats, most don’t as cats are not easily controlled… :cat:
I've known a bit of non-narcissist who dislike cats. A lot of the relatives on my mom's side do not like cats & some are a little bit narcissistic but I doubt very few would qualify as a narcissist. My mom hates cats partly due to being allergic & having asthma growing up. I'm probably more of a narcissist than mom is & I like cats more than she does but I'm not a cat lover.


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RiverLad
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09 Dec 2022, 7:17 am

nick007 wrote:
RiverLad wrote:
Ask if they like cats, most don’t as cats are not easily controlled… :cat:
I've known a bit of non-narcissist who dislike cats.


Fair point! I do know, of course, that there are genuine reasons like asthma or allergies for not wanting to be near cats… and I’m getting better at noticing other red flags, like trying to coerce intimacy without commitment, but for me the cat question is a good starting point! :wink:



RiverLad
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10 Dec 2022, 9:00 pm

Red flags I looked for on dates (before I became celibate lol)

* love bombing very early in the relationship; flattery, compliments, gifts, attention, texts, comments on photos on social media
* They decide where you will go on dates
* They overstep boundaries you have told them eg. No kissing on first date
* They touch you without consent
* They appear bored or distracted when you talk about things important to you
* They call their ex ‘crazy’ or mentally ill
* They are rude to waiters/service staff or complain about the service received and seem to enjoy it
* They have a sense of entitlement/superiority eg to waiting staff
* They are constantly on their phone when with you
* They use words that belittle you eg. Silly, clumsy, wacky, quirky etc
* Car they drive - the blingier, the more dangerous the narc is
* They talk about money & material possessions, shoes, holidays, salary etc
* They name-drop celebrities they know loudly so others can hear and they enjoy the validation
* They don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable eg. They only talk about their successes & achievements and avoid answering personal questions
* They ask questions that force you to be vulnerable eg. Asking personal questions that they wouldn’t answer themselves
* They lie eg. they say they have no contact with an ex but then they get a call from them
* They are constantly looking around at other people when you’re together
* They seem to need attention and validation eg. Fishing for compliments or loud attention-seeking behaviour, flirting with waiters in front of you, talking to others not you
* They check their appearance regularly eg. In mirrors or on phone



knowingtheautist
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17 Dec 2022, 4:09 pm

Thank you for your comment RiverLad,

You seem to know a lot about the behavioral patterns of narcissm.

There is an interesting article that you might also want to listen to as it relates specifically to Aspies and H G Tudor explains a lot about the relationship between Aspies and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

See video below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RymutvYad9w


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Mona Pereth
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29 Dec 2022, 12:36 pm

AnomalousAspergian wrote:
I do think there is also a growing unhealthy cultural mood of wanting instant gratification. It's not necessarily a new cultural mood but it has steadily gotten worse and worse over the decades. Noone I have encountered on online dating sites appears to be patient and stick with trying to form of a relationship. They seem to want to have instant chemistry with someone which ironically I think would make them more vulnerable to having the wool pulled over their eyes. I think a part of me blames the entertainment industry for selling unrealistic expectations exemplified in various tv shows. Nothing new there but I still think is a big factor in all of the self-indulgent crap one encounters.

Yes! Definitely an ever-growing problem. I see two main causes:

1) People believing in "love at first sight," because that's what happens in movies and TV shows. "Love at first sight" happens in movies and TV shows because movies and TV shows are simply way too short to show a relationship develop in any reasonable way. But people mistake this for reality.

2) The Internet, including today's big dating apps, has made this problem worse. When there are literally millions of people who are only a few clicks away, why waste even a nanosecond on anyone who doesn't appear to be 100% perfect on first glance?


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01 Jan 2023, 2:17 pm

Early red flag-

A narcissist can appear to be into you and will even appear to like you. However, they may flirt with someone else at the same time and pit you against that other person.

A narcissist doesn’t care about who they hurt, all they want is attention, praise, and admiration because they think they are unique.



Choronzon
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01 Jan 2023, 8:13 pm

Luckily, I have a unique skill of vetting narcissistic women before even dating them, or really getting to know them well.

Typically the Narcy woman will want to be treated like a Hot Goddess by all males (even those that she wishes not to date). Typically this will be in the workplace, social group etc. They hate not recieving having their ass licked 24/7. She demands you have a great career, top tier social status, filmstar looks, top 5-10% height (physical stature in feet/inches) and superficial stuff like fast cars. cash to burn and designer clothes. They constantly compare themselves to celebrities and the 'Upper Crust' Jones' down the street. They don't care who they hurt, bully, shun or exclude as they are incapable of putting themselves in somebody else's shoes. They leave a Tornado's level of damage wherever they go, but always its never them that are the guilty party for sh***y relationship after sh***y relationship. Holy Big massive Red Flag, batman! :ninja:



nick007
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02 Jan 2023, 12:10 am

Choronzon wrote:
Luckily, I have a unique skill of vetting narcissistic women before even dating them, or really getting to know them well.

Typically the Narcy woman will want to be treated like a Hot Goddess by all males (even those that she wishes not to date). Typically this will be in the workplace, social group etc. They hate not recieving having their ass licked 24/7. She demands you have a great career, top tier social status, filmstar looks, top 5-10% height (physical stature in feet/inches) and superficial stuff like fast cars. cash to burn and designer clothes. They constantly compare themselves to celebrities and the 'Upper Crust' Jones' down the street. They don't care who they hurt, bully, shun or exclude as they are incapable of putting themselves in somebody else's shoes. They leave a Tornado's level of damage wherever they go, but always its never them that are the guilty party for sh***y relationship after sh***y relationship. Holy Big massive Red Flag, batman! :ninja:
I never had to worry about vetting those types of women. They would NOT give me half a chance simce I did not meet that criteria & I think that would be the case for most Aspies, at least the ones who post in this section. Perhaps being considered low status sometimes has it's advantages :chin:


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Summer_Twilight
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02 Jan 2023, 6:37 pm

I used to be friends with someone who was definitely narcissistic. She dated a close friend of mine for 6 months while flirting with other guys right in front of him. It was like she never got enough attention.



Zeke the alien
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02 Jan 2023, 7:12 pm

RiverLad wrote:
Red flags I looked for on dates (before I became celibate lol)

* love bombing very early in the relationship; flattery, compliments, gifts, attention, texts, comments on photos on social media
* They decide where you will go on dates
* They overstep boundaries you have told them eg. No kissing on first date
* They touch you without consent
* They appear bored or distracted when you talk about things important to you
* They call their ex ‘crazy’ or mentally ill
* They are rude to waiters/service staff or complain about the service received and seem to enjoy it
* They have a sense of entitlement/superiority eg to waiting staff
* They are constantly on their phone when with you
* They use words that belittle you eg. Silly, clumsy, wacky, quirky etc
* Car they drive - the blingier, the more dangerous the narc is
* They talk about money & material possessions, shoes, holidays, salary etc
* They name-drop celebrities they know loudly so others can hear and they enjoy the validation
* They don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable eg. They only talk about their successes & achievements and avoid answering personal questions
* They ask questions that force you to be vulnerable eg. Asking personal questions that they wouldn’t answer themselves
* They lie eg. they say they have no contact with an ex but then they get a call from them
* They are constantly looking around at other people when you’re together
* They seem to need attention and validation eg. Fishing for compliments or loud attention-seeking behaviour, flirting with waiters in front of you, talking to others not you
* They check their appearance regularly eg. In mirrors or on phone


Definitely gonna look out for these traits if 2023 is the year that I meet someone who actually wants to date me.

Another red flag to look out for is talking crap about people who you consider to be a friend, if someone does this, GTFO as soon as possible


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knowingtheautist
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03 Jan 2023, 11:02 pm

- And another very important narcissit red flag to watch for is they isolate you from your family (and theirs too)


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Benjamin the Donkey
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04 Jan 2023, 9:54 am

2 steps.

1. Learn how to identify the traits of a narcissist.
2. Don't date people who exhibit those traits.


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nick007
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04 Jan 2023, 10:42 am

A major red flag is if they want you to change a behavior or do or not do something, their reasoning will always go back to how they will be affected instead of major concern for you. Like if they want you to seek treatment for depression, it will be cuz they hate dealing with you when your depressed instead of wanting you to feel better cuz they love you.


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