How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

Page 1 of 10 [ 160 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 10  Next


Have you ever dated a Narcissist as an Aspie?
Poll ended at 29 Aug 2022, 3:16 pm
Yes 33%  33%  [ 5 ]
No 47%  47%  [ 7 ]
Possibly 20%  20%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 15

knowingtheautist
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 70
Location: Canada

30 Jul 2022, 3:16 pm

Autistic individuals are especially vulnerable to falling prey to the wrong type of narcissistic partner.

Some narcissistic behaviors include:

- Sense of entitlement (e.g. 'What about me?' or 'I set the rules, not you' or 'Women/men should not drive'
- Love-bombing (e.g. Constantly telling you 'I love you' 10x per day, telling you charming promises that are too good to be true, or wanting to move into your house or appartment 2 weeks after you meet them
- Constantly admiring themselves, their success, their bodies, or looking at themselves in the mirror often
- Making excuses that don't add up
- Constantly putting you down
- Aggressive, violent, or quick-tempered

In contrast, autistic individuals are on the extremely opposite:

- Gullible, naive, or easily tricked
- Too nice in order to 'make the dating work' (e.g. will buy a cell phone plan for a partner he/she just met)
- Moves too fast or shows desparation
- Trusts strangers too easily

For those tips and other dating tips, I recommend the video '4 Dating Tips that WORK for ASD Individuals' on YouTube


_________________
Thank you for following my Aspie Discovery red diamond icon and keep reading on as I will be posting more...


Last edited by Cornflake on 30 Jul 2022, 4:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.: Added the YouTube link

TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,949
Location: Hell

30 Jul 2022, 3:26 pm

I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. He had all of the traits listed above.

He would gradually behave worse and worse until he did something especially awful. Then he would apologize for it and act like he loved me afterwards, and the cycle would continue. I’d believe that he’d really change this time. Of course, that never happened. He was just trying to manipulate me, and I was easy to manipulate.


_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince


Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 30 Jul 2022, 3:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

that1weirdgrrrl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,090
Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

30 Jul 2022, 7:01 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
He would gradually behave worse and worse until he did something especially awful. Then he would apologize for it and act like he loved me afterwards, and the cycle would continue.


This was my experience as well. It's not always easy to spot early on, because they can hide bad behavior until they know you are hooked.

The NPD individual who I dated didn't love himself, though, he was horribly insecure.

NPD folks may share a lot of personal information early on to create a false sense of intimacy.

They may also speak poorly about people from their past and lose contact with many past friends.


_________________
...what do the public, the great unobservant public, who could hardly tell a weaver by his tooth or a compositor by his left thumb, care about the finer shades of analysis and deduction!


TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,949
Location: Hell

30 Jul 2022, 10:25 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
He would gradually behave worse and worse until he did something especially awful. Then he would apologize for it and act like he loved me afterwards, and the cycle would continue.


This was my experience as well. It's not always easy to spot early on, because they can hide bad behavior until they know you are hooked.

The NPD individual who I dated didn't love himself, though, he was horribly insecure.

NPD folks may share a lot of personal information early on to create a false sense of intimacy.

They may also speak poorly about people from their past and lose contact with many past friends.


Yep, I can relate to a lot of that. Things didn't start to get bad until I was six months into the relationship, but it went from 0 to 100. There were signs before then, but I didn't really see them. I was at a really low point of my life.


_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,845
Location: New York City (Queens)

05 Aug 2022, 3:08 pm

Luckily I've never gotten into an intimate relationship with a highly narcissistic person.

I attribute my good fortune in this regard to the fact that I regard shared interests and deep philosophical conversation as a sine qua non. For me, it's important to be able to have in-depth conversations about shared interests -- whereas, if I understand correctly, narcissists tend to form relationships based on mutual flattery. For me, too much flattery or "love-bombing," in the absence of any focus on shared interests or shared intellectual exploration, has always been a turnoff.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter / "X" (new as of 2021)


klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,888
Location: Cardiff, Wales

10 Aug 2022, 6:04 pm

Yes, unfortunately, and met loads since then too.



funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,079
Location: Right over your left shoulder

10 Aug 2022, 6:26 pm

Don't feed their ego in the manner they crave. Works every time. :nerdy:


_________________
“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
GOP Predators


Where_am_I
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Apr 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,392
Location: London

10 Aug 2022, 6:33 pm

^ Excellent advice. They'll reveal their nasty side pretty soon after that, so be prepared to run!


_________________
"A loaded gun won't set you free. So you say." - Ian Curtis


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,079
Location: Right over your left shoulder

10 Aug 2022, 6:39 pm

knowingtheautist wrote:
Autistic individuals are especially vulnerable to falling prey to the wrong type of narcissistic partner.

Some narcissistic behaviors include:

- Sense of entitlement (e.g. 'What about me?' or 'I set the rules, not you' or 'Women/men should not drive'
- Love-bombing (e.g. Constantly telling you 'I love you' 10x per day, telling you charming promises that are too good to be true, or wanting to move into your house or appartment 2 weeks after you meet them
- Constantly admiring themselves, their success, their bodies, or looking at themselves in the mirror often
- Making excuses that don't add up
- Constantly putting you down
- Aggressive, violent, or quick-tempered

In contrast, autistic individuals are on the extremely opposite:

- Gullible, naive, or easily tricked
- Too nice in order to 'make the dating work' (e.g. will buy a cell phone plan for a partner he/she just met)
- Moves too fast or shows desparation
- Trusts strangers too easily


It's important to distinguish between the naive sort of narcissism that autists sometimes are accused of (and demonstrate) and narcissistic personality disorder. The one is a trait, the other is a personality disorder.

Needing more effort to shift beyond one's own perspective and behaviours and coping mechanisms that result from it often get misread as indicators of the other type. That said, possessing that trait and not having any insight that one possesses it might contribute to the development of the personality disorder.

Some of the traits you describe of autistic romantic patterns are also typical of people engaging in love-bombing (too fast, too trusting, too intense, desperate). One of the bigger differences between ADHD/autistic love-bombing and the manipulative type is intent.

The former is more a reflection of being unable to inhibit fixation, the latter is done intentionally to imitate the former and works especially well on people prone to the sincere form, after all, it resembles authentic attachment in the way they'd like it to be expressed.

That said, it's not as though the circles don't touch if you were to Venn diagram them. Knowing someone has autism isn't a guarantee they won't have a personality disorder, or that they won't be be manipulative, abusive, etc


_________________
“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
GOP Predators


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,079
Location: Right over your left shoulder

11 Aug 2022, 7:18 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
^ Excellent advice. They'll reveal their nasty side pretty soon after that, so be prepared to run!


Not always even that, sometimes they can be adequate as work friends or other arms-length relationships. Ideally they should never read you as suitable for fulfilling what they're after (ego-wise) so that you're never useful enough for them to see as worth trying to use.

Part of how people like that operate is they make emotional transactions always serve their interests so maintaining boundaries to ensure that can't happen tends to keep them from feeding on you, so to speak.


_________________
“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
GOP Predators


DanielW
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2019
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,873
Location: PNW USA

11 Aug 2022, 7:21 pm

I don't see how I could date a narcissist. Everything about the personality-type is repellant to me.



TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,949
Location: Hell

11 Aug 2022, 8:48 pm

DanielW wrote:
I don't see how I could date a narcissist. Everything about the personality-type is repellant to me.


It’s more difficult for people who aren’t familiar with the signs. Also, some narcissists can be highly manipulative and can mask their behavior well.


_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince


DanielW
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2019
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,873
Location: PNW USA

11 Aug 2022, 9:00 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
DanielW wrote:
I don't see how I could date a narcissist. Everything about the personality-type is repellant to me.


It’s more difficult for people who aren’t familiar with the signs. Also, some narcissists can be highly manipulative and can mask their behavior well.

oh I get that, its not their actual personality I was talking about. Its the fake behaviors they use to attract people (love-bombing, etc) that repel me. The weird thing I have observed it it seems to shake their bravado when rather that making themselves attractive, its repellant. The either get angry really quick or write me off and find another target.



Last edited by DanielW on 11 Aug 2022, 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,949
Location: Hell

11 Aug 2022, 9:04 pm

DanielW wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
DanielW wrote:
I don't see how I could date a narcissist. Everything about the personality-type is repellant to me.


It’s more difficult for people who aren’t familiar with the signs. Also, some narcissists can be highly manipulative and can mask their behavior well.

oh I get that, its not their actual personality I was talking about. Its the fake behaviors they use to attract people (love-bombing, etc) that repel me.


Many people don’t know that the love-bombing is fake. They interpret it as genuine interest.


_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince


DanielW
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2019
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,873
Location: PNW USA

11 Aug 2022, 9:10 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
DanielW wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
DanielW wrote:
I don't see how I could date a narcissist. Everything about the personality-type is repellant to me.


It’s more difficult for people who aren’t familiar with the signs. Also, some narcissists can be highly manipulative and can mask their behavior well.

oh I get that, its not their actual personality I was talking about. Its the fake behaviors they use to attract people (love-bombing, etc) that repel me.


Many people don’t know that the love-bombing is fake. They interpret it as genuine interest.


I'd like it less if it were genuine. I'm probably not making sense, but If Narcissistic Wooing behaviors were genuine, that would be a turn off for me I don't like being the focal point or in that person's spotlight. The best way to say it is that the things people find attractive about narcissists...I find repellent



Where_am_I
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Apr 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,392
Location: London

16 Aug 2022, 2:56 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
^ Excellent advice. They'll reveal their nasty side pretty soon after that, so be prepared to run!


Not always even that, sometimes they can be adequate as work friends or other arms-length relationships. Ideally they should never read you as suitable for fulfilling what they're after (ego-wise) so that you're never useful enough for them to see as worth trying to use.

Part of how people like that operate is they make emotional transactions always serve their interests so maintaining boundaries to ensure that can't happen tends to keep them from feeding on you, so to speak.


The traits these people have make it difficult for me to tolerate them (even at arms length), and I manage to easily offend them with my bluntness. I repel them as much as they repel me. It all works out for the best!


_________________
"A loaded gun won't set you free. So you say." - Ian Curtis