I Will Never Be Fake

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Stefanie & Kameron "I'm Feeling Fiesty" Vlog #67 ^


Stefanie is my favourite YouTuber.
She's Neurodiverse (ADHD and ASD).

She suffered a full-term pregnancy loss last summer when her daughter was stillborn.
She's currently expecting her second child.

This video is about the hate she's experienced as a Neurodiverse, grieving mother.
People have told her that she doesn't act like other women, and shouldn't be a mother.
It's a caution against people-pleasing, BS, and masking.
The Neurodiversity part starts at 5:10 but the entire video is worth watching.

She totally kicks ass as an ASD spokesperson.
I watch this video nearly every day, to deal with the idiots in my life.

I am currently watching, and at the part where she says " children need parents who are not discriminatory towards people who are different" It just hit so hard. That is such a beautiful way to answer that comment.

Thank you for sharing this, i Just had to pause and thank you for sharing it.

Just to put this in context, Stephanie is reacting to one female poster who expressed her opinion about what sort of mother she will be and whether she's fit to bring up a child.

If you look at her channel she has almost 20,000 subscribers and perhaps countless thousands more who watch her videos. Out of this huge number of people it's really expectant there will be one (I am surprised there are not more) douchebag/karen who will say something nasty for no other reason because she doesn't like her.

I don't have a Youtube channel (I probably never will) but if I did then I would learn to develop a thick skin and not respond/react to every single person who writes something about me.

If I had 20,000 people willing to pay $5-10 per month to support my channel I would be very confident that the content I am posting is being appreciated and people are pleased by my content.

I think Stephanie is maybe a little insecure about her content is being perceived otherwise why react to one karen? it's totally understandable and only human to want to please everyone (I have watched celebrities in interviews who have millions of followers who still read individual posts and react negatively if one person is trolling them when there several hundred thousand people who think they are a god), So what she's going through is totally understandable. If I had a chance to talk to Stephanie these are things I would tell her.

She seems like a very self-confident and sensible person who posts great content. But she is on a journey of self-discovery herself and perhaps people who follow her should give her room to grow and learn for herself in addition to following her journey as he enters motherhood for the first time that she is choosing to generously share with others.

Stefanie is addressing one specific viewer in her video, but the larger idea is that she's responding to another young woman, Camryn Clifford, who was a former "family blogger" following teen pregnancy and undisclosed domestic violence. Camryn's husband committed suicide, and Camryn is just now explaining the pressure she was under to fake a happy domestic life on camera, to please viewers and to earn enough money to raise her little girls. Camryn isn't on the spectrum afaik, but her story about "being fake" for viewership sent shockwaves through the family blogging community. This is what Stefanie is on about.

I never heard of Camryn until Stefanie pointed her out in the start of her video. Stefanie is defending the fact she won't fall into the trap Camryn found herself in. She's also speaking out against the cycle which traps many YouTubers, especially mothers who are pressured to present their lives as ideal, and get stuck in a loop of financial dependence on the medium.

Stefanie didn't have 200,000 viewers until recently. I believe she only had 600 when that first comment was made about her being an unfit mother who didn't smile enough. She doesn't earn $20 per viewer, either. She supports herself sewing baby clothes to donate to hospitals for stillborn babies, and making sleepwear for newborns on her Etsy shop online. She is a former actor and model, and her husband has a high income.

If you haven't been a Neurodiverse pregnant mother or experienced depression as a mother it would be hard for anyone to relate. I faced the same judgment and shaming as Stefanie when I was expecting, because I didn't act like other women due to my autism, ADHD, and hidden depression in a bad marriage. I still face judgment and finger-pointing today because I'm countercultural and don't follow the mainstream narrative of how a mother should look or act in the public eye. I still face criticism and I've been ostracised from most parenting communities, including the mothers of my children's friends. I don't use social media but I even feel a pressure to "fake it" on Wrong Planet, when other women talk about their storybook happy lives. As you may have noticed I don't "fake it", but the pressure is always there. This is a real topic for Neurodiverse women, and especially those dealing with depression, anxiety, grief, or mental illness.

Anyway, I've written too much. I'm new to watching YouTube and didn't really even know such a culture existed until I was searching for women who had experienced pregnancy loss like mine. That in itself is a topic women aren't expected to discuss in polite company, since it makes other mothers uncomfortable. Stefanie is the only YouTuber I watch now because I love her no-BS attitude.

I'm straying off-topic a bit with the info about Camryn Clifford, but here's her story if anyone is interested. Again, I'd never heard of her until recently, but this interview puts Stefanie's rant against "being fake" in much better context.


Cam & Fam Quits Family Vlogging: The Dad Podcast

This is definitely a huge and important topic, and it may be something that one has to experience to fully appreciate. I've heard some say that it's easier to make friends with other mothers when you are a mother because you can always talk about your kids. It just doesn't work that way, especially not when you are ND, because you will be judged and even your parenting will be called into question. Also, those comments suggest that a woman's entire identity will be (and should be?) wrapped up in her motherhood and offspring.

Anyway, I think it's good to talk openly about the judgment and invalidation that so many women experience when they don't fit in to the "happily ever after" narrative.

Very well put. ^ In my case, "Just talking about my kids" has always been difficult because of their own Neurodivergence. They were always on a different trajectory than their friends, and their needs have always been unique. Add in my layers of Neurodivergence, my trauma, my ASD / ADHD, and the fact I was a single mother with a career, and the other mums can't relate. On top of that I'm very private about my kids and I don't like to share their lives with anyone, especially online, for their own safety and dignity. That makes it hard to talk to anyone, or to get proper support. It's not like I have a cluster of "real life" friends I can turn to when the going gets tough.

I like Stefanie and feel like she'll navigate motherhood well, on her own terms. She was raised in a fundamentalist religious culture. I think she said Mormon but I can't remember. She left that community and identifies as atheist despite being married to a Christian man with different beliefs. I think their marriage seems really strong because they bring their own values to the table. She's just learning about being ADHD (now unmedicated because of her pregnancy), and learning about the autism spectrum, while she's also dealing with PTSD from the loss of her daughter. She's very real and down to earth, so I try to follow all her updates. She's been in hospital for seven weeks with this pregnancy but she seems to be doing well.

My kid is on the spectrum and has ADHD as well. Once I was talking to a mom whose son did something absent-minded or impulsive (I can't remember) and she said: "My son is SO ADHD." Then I said: "My kid has ADHD, too." Then I got a blank stare. At that moment, I realized that her kid wasn't actually diagnosed with ADHD. She was just making a lighthearted remark.




That sounds interesting. I'll probably subscribe.

Oh ok, thanks for the clarification Isabella.