Proper care being gatekept by linguistic/cultural barriers

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Rosewater1999
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Joined: 6 Aug 2022
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 1
Location: Belgium

06 Aug 2022, 9:29 am

Hi everyone,
It's my first post here, I read thoroughly the rules of this section and I'm really sorry if this isn't appropriate/the right place for my question, but since I'm really recognizable I'd rather post in this protected part of this forum. I will discuss a suicide attempt further in my text so don't read any more if that is difficult for you, I really don't want to hurt anyone.

Let me do a quick introduction before explaining my issue. I'm a woman that check almost all the boxes of ASD (tmi : the only thing I've read/heard that doesn't apply to me is the inability to know when you are going to vomit, I was always quite impressive with never doing it on the floor ever since I was 2 years old), but I was never diagnosed even tho I was seeing a psychiatrist when I was 13yo that wanted to make me pass some tests to investigate this, she couldn't go further with that because my mother didn't want her to.
I live in a weird little country (Belgium) that is split between three communities all speaking a different language and having different academic training in psychology. I'm a native frenchspeaker and was a child when there was a wave of diagnosing what is called "haut potentiel" in french, so that's what I got (as far as I'm aware this really is a frenchspeaking construction of pathologizing people scoring higher than 130 on the IQ test that's used here, the closest thing to that in scientific papers in english is "highly gifted kids"). But what a "haut potentiel" is, is not what I am since being that is not supposed to come with the huge difficulties in communication and social relationships, nor with the special interests. The little studies they did showed that these people had a more chances to live an happy/successful life than other people with no mental illnesses with a normal IQ, so that really cannot be the root of my issues. But still, I was raised in that specific cultural context with a mother that was much more comfortable with having a kid more intelligent than the others kids than an ASP kid that needs more help.
Anyway, I did a suicide attempt 2 weeks ago and I was carried in an ambulance to the nearest hospital, which happens to be a flemish speaking hospital and not a french one. I was very adamant about not being institutionalized (tried that when I was a teenager, went terribly wrong these kind of places really are not for me, too much distress that I can't handle, awful smells and I was not eating until I have the possibility to eat the food that I felt safe eating which came with an inadequate anorexia diagnosis (I could and wanted to eat! But not that food)), so the psychiatrist let me go and used a moving team of psychologists/psychiatrists that are coming to my home twice a week instead. As I said, these mental health professionnals are not native frenchspeaker (although they either speak french or english with me) and the second time I saw them the first thing they asked me was if I ever passed test to diagnose or rule out autism. Frankly, I was shocked, because apart from that one psychiatrist I mentionned earlier (and she is retired now) I was always met with things like "you have an incredible memory but you're not a savant nor are you impressive enough so you cannot be autistic, just use your gifts to be normal, why can't you do that ?" or "you are able to speak in a clear manner so you are not autistic" each time I raised that question so I finally stopped asking and put that aside.
They told me they asked that because my body was in a weird posture the things I do with my hands and that the biggest tell was how i looked at them (I didn't as I was at home and there I switch off all the conscious efforts I do as soon as I step outside). This would also explain why I wasn't able to have friendships until I was 18 years old (and only because at that time I met a girl with incredible social skills, she was friend with everyone and everyone loved her so as soon as I got that, I tried to mimick her as much as possible and to this day when I don't know what to do in a social setting I'm always thinking about how she would behave and try to do it like her. But after meeting her and learning from her, I had to deal with not being able to see people with bad intentions and I still have found no way to deal with that and exist in social settings at the same time.)

This team is really helping, but it's a really temporary aid that won't last more than a month (I'm almost halfway done). They tried to find a place where I could pass some tests in french, but the place they found has one of the worst reputation in terms of mental health care and I don't want to be hurt any further nor do I want to go back to the weird frenchspeaking bubble of mental health care and their weird brand of psychoanalysis.
I really need to have an official diagnosis on paper so I can get the proper help to finish my masters degree (my uni has accommodations for autistic students, like a quiet room I could go to and I would really like to be allowed to go there) and to be able to put a paper in front of the frenchspeaking mental health professionnals that I will always be stuck with and that weren't properly trained to spot autism in girls and women. (Also might I add that I am not white and that does play a role in the way I was always mistreated by the medical field).

At least, them raising that possibility again allowed me to go back to all the stimming I did when I was a little kid and for which I was scolded until I stopped, and I can't believe how much just allowing myself to do all of that again helped me soothe myself (especially the stimming I did to fall asleep). Also allowing myself to stop the very tiring and conscious effort to look in people eyes (I was really forced to do it, yelled at, etc.) is very nice. I'm feeling less and less tired whenever I go out because I'm not putting so much energy into looking normal anymore.

What do you guys think I should do ? Maybe try to convince them to let me pass these test in english in a flemish hospital (they really seem to be so so much better with autism) ? Or maybe someone here is also from the frenchspeaking part of Belgium and know a place where I can finally pass these tests without having to go through the violences I am used to ?

I'm not really sure what I can do, but I am certain that I don't want to be treated the way I was treated all my life now that I had the opportunity to finally be understood a little better. It felt good and I don't want to go back now, I won't do it, I won't stand it. I still feel like I might not really be autistic because I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am not what they call "haut potentiel", and I never related to it (apart from the characteristics that are common with the autism spectrum on the high functionning end of it). When I told the usual frenchspeaking mental health professionnals I'm seeing at the moment what they had said, I heard all the "no it's not possible because you are too much of a normal person even tho all we ever do with you is getting you to behave in a normal way" all over again. Going back to that will kill me in the end, because I am now quite certain that's the root of my depression (trying so much to be normal, for so long, with very little success. I mask quite efficiently now, but that's not enough for me to fit in and I'm afraid it will never be enough.)

TLDR : I live in a country with multiple cultural contexts regarding mental health, the one I was raised in never thought of an autism diagnosis for me but as soon as I saw mental health professionnals from another part of the country they just had to see me once to be like "ma'am you are autistic, right ? you did the tests ? how come you never did the tests ?". The issue is I don't speak their language so I cannot really access care in that part of the country and soon I will have to go back to my own linguistic/cultural context. I want to see if someone else is able to think of what could be a solution for me as I am really alone with all of this and really do need to access adequate support.



naturalplastic
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Joined: 26 Aug 2010
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07 Aug 2022, 1:13 am

Just leave the French speaking part, and move to a German, or a Flemish, speaking part of the country, or to the multilingual/multicultural capital city Brussels. Anywhere where the mental health professionals know autism from a hole in the ground, and you can get the right help, and maybe a local social worker can help guide you in the healthcare system.