Attracted to distant, unpredictable people

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This was a revelation of mine today, so please be gentle with me.

When I say 'attracted' I don't really mean romantically. I mean generally.

I worked out that I always want to make these distant, unpredictable people like or love me, and perhaps change themselves so that they do. Especially groups which are fans of things I like and seem like they're having fun: I want to be part of them but often they are self-contained and don't want intruders.

I realise that this is because I was brought up by a lone mother (I have no other relatives) and she was distant, unpredictable and hard to please. (She still is but I don't care anymore). But when I was a teenager and young adult she was always distant, just out of reach, never satisfied with my achievements or happy with me. I was always just not good enough. If I could just try that little bit harder. If I could just be that little bit better. I could never quite make her happy, she was always so disappointed in me. She said she was proud of me once, in 2001 at her birthday party in front of all her friends. I remember the occasion clearly.

So I think this has set me up to chase after such distant, unpredictable people, trying to get their attention and love, because that's how I've been programmed. I was taught that only that type of people's love is valuable and worth having.

I hope that now I've realised this, I can work on it and learn to find consistent, friendly people who make better friends.

I just wanted to get this off my chest in a safe space.

Thank you for sharing this with us, KitLily. I can't imagine it was easy to express.

I hope you're doing ok.

Thank you for your kind reply. I feared I'd get mocked by people.

I'm glad I had that revelation. I've spent too much of my life chasing unattainable people and I am going to work towards stopping this.