How to tell girlfriend about Asperger Syndrome

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kraftiekortie
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26 Aug 2022, 6:14 am

I just don’t believe one has to “confess” to having autism.



Joe90
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26 Aug 2022, 6:20 am

I think it also depends on how obvious you are. If you dislike being touched and struggle with intimacy and have special interests that are very important to you and you stim a lot and you find it hard to communicate, then you might have to say something about it, or it might be obvious anyway to them.
But if your ASD is subtle and complex and doesn't affect your relationship or communication then there's no moral obligation to have to disclose unless you want to.


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SkinnyElephant
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10 Sep 2022, 3:23 pm

I've never told a girlfriend I'm on the spectrum.

However, I've told 2 girlfriends a watered down version. I essentially said "Due to a medical condition I was born with, there are certain things you (along with most of the population) are able to do that I'm not."

Come to think of it, even my watered down version could scare a lot of girlfriends away (as you said, girlfriends don't want a disabled partner). I was in my early 20s at the time. I suppose being young and good-looking, I could get away with having a slight quirk.

As much as I would have liked to not mention the topic at all, I knew it would eventually become obvious there's something off with me. I wanted to be upfront at the start of the relationship to make sure it wouldn't be a problem.

I guess I don't have a foolproof answer to your question; all I can do is give you my story.



Kitty4670
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16 Sep 2022, 6:20 pm

I would tell a boyfriend that I have Aspergers, I also have Cerebral Pasly, Psoriasis, Dyslexia & Learning Disability. I wouldn’t want to keep secrets with the guy I’m going with. I told guys about what I have, I didn’t tell every guy.


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2022, 6:26 pm

I told him I'm autistic and have CPTSD, on our first date.
Why would I waste someone's time or keep secrets from them?

If I hadn't told him, he would have been really confused by my quirks.
There's no hiding any of it.
It actually made for good conversation.

I can't fathom a person keeping it from their partner, like they're ashamed.



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17 Sep 2022, 1:39 pm

Noamx wrote:
Of course it can be very simple, I can just say "I have Asperger Syndrome" and hope she wouldnt make a big deal out of it. But I have a feeling I shouldnt say it directly, but try to make it sound less frightening. Unfortunately, there's a tendency for people to hear that and immediately the thought of "a mentally ill person" jumps to their head, which provides a wrong impression about a person, so it needs to be described in different words.

Girlfriends prefer a normal person without any disability, and thats almost a fact these days. But there comes a point where I have to actually share my syndrome, I cant hide it forever. I'm not sure how to share it properly and also what are the right words to use for that purpose.

There's also the question of when to share, and perhaps, not share altogether unless she asked. I guess there are multiple ways to proceed with it.


Why is your pfp hans asperger himself



SkinnyElephant
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17 Sep 2022, 2:47 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I told him I'm autistic and have CPTSD, on our first date.
Why would I waste someone's time or keep secrets from them?

If I hadn't told him, he would have been really confused by my quirks.
There's no hiding any of it.
It actually made for good conversation.

I can't fathom a person keeping it from their partner, like they're ashamed.


Some of us, especially those of us with milder cases, like to hide it as much as possible. It's not that we're ashamed, it's that we're tired of getting judged.

My case is mild enough you wouldn't necessarily know I'm on the spectrum. You might simply think I'm shy/strange.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Sep 2022, 8:17 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Some of us, especially those of us with milder cases, like to hide it as much as possible. It's not that we're ashamed, it's that we're tired of getting judged.

My case is mild enough you wouldn't necessarily know I'm on the spectrum. You might simply think I'm shy/strange.



I'm tired of being judged too.
That's why I wanted him to know asap.
I'd rather have a person understand than think I'm "strange".

How long would you keep this from your partner?
Wouldn't it be harder to explain later on?



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18 Sep 2022, 10:14 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Some of us, especially those of us with milder cases, like to hide it as much as possible. It's not that we're ashamed, it's that we're tired of getting judged.

My case is mild enough you wouldn't necessarily know I'm on the spectrum. You might simply think I'm shy/strange.



I'm tired of being judged too.
That's why I wanted him to know asap.
I'd rather have a person understand than think I'm "strange".

How long would you keep this from your partner?
Wouldn't it be harder to explain later on?


Even if a partner is informed we're on the spectrum, they'll still think we're "strange." The only difference is they'll know there's an explanation for our "strangeness."

Being on the spectrum, as well as being strange, are both stigmatized. However, being on the spectrum is way more stigmatized (being on the spectrum is seen as a disability; being strange is simply seen as being strange)

As for your questions of "how long would I hide this from my partner" and "wouldn't it be harder to explain later on," I mentioned on a prior post how, while I haven't told any girlfriends I'm on the spectrum, I've given 2 girlfriends a vague explanation of how there's something different with me.

You're right, it's hard to hide (and would become harder to explain the longer I hold out). That is why I wanted to make sure these 2 girlfriends knew my deal (even if I didn't say what exactly is "wrong" with me) relatively early in the relationship.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Sep 2022, 10:25 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:

Even if a partner is informed we're on the spectrum, they'll still think we're "strange." The only difference is they'll know there's an explanation for our "strangeness."

Being on the spectrum, as well as being strange, are both stigmatized. However, being on the spectrum is way more stigmatized (being on the spectrum is seen as a disability; being strange is simply seen as being strange)

As for your questions of "how long would I hide this from my partner" and "wouldn't it be harder to explain later on," I mentioned on a prior post how, while I haven't told any girlfriends I'm on the spectrum, I've given 2 girlfriends a vague explanation of how there's something different with me.

You're right, it's hard to hide (and would become harder to explain the longer I hold out). That is why I wanted to make sure these 2 girlfriends knew my deal (even if I didn't say what exactly is "wrong" with me) relatively early in the relationship.


I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with judgemental people.
I guess I was lucky because my partner knew a lot about autism.
He also has PTSD himself, although mine is Complex and his isn't.

I think it's sad that there's so much stigma around admitting we are autistic.
I like to think that being open about it will help to educate others, and help us all.
I hope you will meet someone open-minded who won't make you feel inadequate.



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19 Sep 2022, 4:02 am

Quote:
I can't fathom a person keeping it from their partner, like they're ashamed.


I am ashamed.


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SkinnyElephant
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19 Sep 2022, 4:24 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:

Even if a partner is informed we're on the spectrum, they'll still think we're "strange." The only difference is they'll know there's an explanation for our "strangeness."

Being on the spectrum, as well as being strange, are both stigmatized. However, being on the spectrum is way more stigmatized (being on the spectrum is seen as a disability; being strange is simply seen as being strange)

As for your questions of "how long would I hide this from my partner" and "wouldn't it be harder to explain later on," I mentioned on a prior post how, while I haven't told any girlfriends I'm on the spectrum, I've given 2 girlfriends a vague explanation of how there's something different with me.

You're right, it's hard to hide (and would become harder to explain the longer I hold out). That is why I wanted to make sure these 2 girlfriends knew my deal (even if I didn't say what exactly is "wrong" with me) relatively early in the relationship.


I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with judgemental people.
I guess I was lucky because my partner knew a lot about autism.
He also has PTSD himself, although mine is Complex and his isn't.

I think it's sad that there's so much stigma around admitting we are autistic.
I like to think that being open about it will help to educate others, and help us all.
I hope you will meet someone open-minded who won't make you feel inadequate.


To me, the worst part of the stigma (surrounding the autism spectrum) is the idea that we're somehow mentally challenged.

I admit not everyone on the spectrum is smart. However, I'm above average in intelligence (so are a lot of other people on the spectrum). In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if the average IQ on the spectrum is higher than the average IQ for the general population.