My Obsession with being grabbed *trigger warning* CSA

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BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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28 Aug 2022, 1:48 am

I posted this in the adult section by mistake. if you have any feedback or possibly relate to this i'm open to it.

going back to my adolescent years, every night i roleplay having a big man (fatherly or big brother) physically manhandling me (hug, wrestle, surround)...every single night and sometimes during the day. and this is coming from a straight but primarily asexual man. a little back story that might help

like many boys, i grew up in a fatherless home in a family raised by powerful women. My mom loved me so much, but deep affection wasn't always there. I was also raped by a male cousin at like 4-5. As i grew i began to fantasize having a dad to rescue me. And as teen years came on, it became an escape. my trigger spots were my ribcage, underarms, and my waist. i'd be in class and, in my mind, Scott Steiner looking dude (90's version) would come in and hug me/ rough house with me, and it was a symbol of being wanted. and a deep longing for touch that i otherwise disliked from others. He'd also take me out of class because we were going to the zoo! As time has gone on it's intensified. I even dated my high school sweetheart for 5 years and we really loved each other, but i never pictured myself having sex with her, i was sort of pressured into that relationship but i'm glad we had our time. i never really desired sex with anybody. i think sex is beautiful, my body doesn't seem intended for sex. but i always wanted affection from men (big, stocky ones). i tried to think of any possibility of romantic feelings for a man. nope i dont have feelings in that way. i do have an obsession with being wanted by one (platonically). something in me never got past the yearning of a little boy. i crave being wanted. i'm obsessed, yall. so i role play walking and a giant arm grabbing me around my torso and the other hand grabbing my waist. i enact this daily. i also grunt and growl like playful. i make a production of it...and of course it's not just gonna be grabbing and stuff, we have to go to a theme park or something (imagining). i make it as realistic as possible.

here's what i think it comes from. I feel inadequate. I feel undesirable. i'm fit now and starting to feel more deserving but.... and i think its a stim after revisiting the subject of autism. I do think the trauma is associated too, though. perhaps a warped stim?? i've come to the point where i really don't mind sharing it...it's been with me all my life. the bloke even has a name lol. and therapy is not helping so maybe somebody can either relate or has some info...i'm open to whatever, i got nothing to lose.



klanka
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28 Aug 2022, 8:01 am

I've never heard of this but considering your childhood its understandable.



delvian
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28 Aug 2022, 8:41 am

I don't think it sounds unhealthy? Physical contact with other human beings feels good for a lot of people and it doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. Hugs, squeezes, whatever. And that can be particularly "stimmy" for neurodivergent people. It also sounds like your needs as a child weren't quite fully met by your mother and since your dad wasn't around, it's understandable you'd fantasize about a physically affectionate father figure. It doesn't sound like you're hurting yourself in any way with this fantasy and I don't think it would affect anyone else. I'm no expert but it sounds like a safe way to explore your own feelings and needs? How do you feel about it?

Also I'm sorry you had to deal with that experience with your cousin. That must've been especially scary and confusing at such a young age. It's common for people who've had experiences like that to struggle with things in adulthood, like the self esteem issues you describe. I'm sorry you haven't found therapy very useful. Some therapists are better than others and I guess some types of therapy are more or less helpful for different people. I think it's always good to talk though, so I'm glad you're posting here rather than keeping everything to yourself. I hope you'll find it useful. I haven't been a WP member for very long but there seem to be quite a few understanding, supportive people here.



BreathlessJade
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28 Aug 2022, 6:38 pm

Man oh man! The replies have been extremely affirming and comforting. Yeah it definitely helps me through. Its my private get away in between facing life's challenges. I'm glad I posted it now :wink:



delvian
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29 Aug 2022, 6:03 am

:)