I think my marriage is dead

Page 1 of 5 [ 66 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Worthless
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 568

03 Sep 2022, 9:25 pm

My wife has said that she loves me like a brother, but that is it. She said that she doesn't think this is working and that she doesn't think that we can restart a romantic relationship. She said that I am very important to her and mean a lot to her, but that she didn't want to marry a child. She has said that she knew I was autistic the first time she saw me, but she didn't realize how disabled I am and that this isn't what she signed up for.

Recently she has been kicking me out of the bedroom each night. She even does it a few hours before she goes to sleep to ”decompress". The last two nights she hasn't even given me a kiss goodnight and bearly looked up from her phone. Tonight she didn't even say "I love you."

I feel broken. I thought I could live independently and have a family.



klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,466
Location: Cardiff, Wales

04 Sep 2022, 3:44 am

How long have you been married?



Worthless
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 568

04 Sep 2022, 5:52 am

klanka wrote:
How long have you been married?

We have been married for three years and living together for four years.



klanka
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Mar 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,466
Location: Cardiff, Wales

04 Sep 2022, 8:29 am

That is pretty bad. I don't know if you have friends where you are living, hopefully you do.



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1932
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,933
Location: wales

04 Sep 2022, 8:32 am

Why does she think you're childish?



Worthless
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 568

04 Sep 2022, 10:40 am

klanka wrote:
That is pretty bad. I don't know if you have friends where you are living, hopefully you do.


We moved a couple states away when we moved in together. We aren't really tied in or connected to the local community. We thought we had a middle aged couple here who were friends, but we realized that we were incorrect about who they are and how close they were.



Nades wrote:
Why does she think you're childish?



A lot of reasons, it is mostly that we both ended up in a rut because of all of the things that needed to be done and got overwhelmed. We have been trying to fix the situation and in the last few months we have made progress and have both been getting more done, but it isn't enough.

She thinks that I am not able to function well enough to fill the roll she wants me to fill. She has pointed out that it takes me a lot longer to do things, and that is ok, but that it takes me forever to get started. There are critical projects that should have been done asap that are still not handled.

She also points out that simple things like going to the store can be quite difficult for me and that I have needed days leading up to and after such a trip. I have gotten a lot better at this though and I don't think it is still a valid point.

I will also forget to eat and can easily go for days without eating if left to my own devices. She has asked how I think I can take care of a child if I can't even take care of feeding myself.

I also have a lot of difficulty sensing, interperating, and talking about my emotions and she hates how I tend to shut down somewhat during difficult conversations. She always complains that she doesn't want to just hear my scripts and that she definitely doesn't want me to just sit there silently.

I also have a temper and can lash out, mostly at objects, but also at other verbally.

There are a lot of other reasons as well.

Edit: It's not so much difficult conversations, more arguments. I tend to shutdown somewhat and that makes her yell more.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 18,469
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

04 Sep 2022, 3:39 pm

Seems you're correct, as sad as that may make you.

Seems you need to have a conversation with her and ask what she wants as a resolution to this limbo & be fully prepared for her to request a divorce and separation.

Her words and actions are not of a woman who sees herself having children with you and being together long term. It seems much more like she wants to have a child/children, but realizes it would be extremely difficult/undesirable to do so with you as a partner in raising that child and thus she's moving towards an exit of your relationship.

I'm sure she loved you when you got married, and still does to some degree as she said, but I can understand why she wouldn't want to continue or attempt to raise a child/children with you considering your own issues. Not a lot you can really do, IMO, besides love her enough to let her go and be free to find love and have the family she sees herself having. I know if I loved someone I'd want them to be happy, even if it isn't with me. In fact, while I haven't been married, I've experienced that 2-3x in my life.. accepted that I wasn't the person for them, knew that I wanted them to be happy and told them so, and have been happy to see them happy with their partners. This is the best way to deal with this, IMO.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,248

05 Sep 2022, 11:50 am

That sounds so rough, i am sorry. Just remember that a failed relationship doesn't mean you are a failure as a person. Many people can't sustain relationships for various reasons and that doesn't mean you are broken.



CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 109,287
Location: On a special base where the Christmas soldiers of the world live

05 Sep 2022, 11:48 pm

Sweet Pea hugs


_________________
Oberfeldwebel

Age: 48
Gender: Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/Him/His
IQ: 86 and I use all 86 of them.


r00tb33r
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2016
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,442
Location: Virginia

06 Sep 2022, 12:01 am

This is what I'm afraid of the most in these relationships.

I think the only way you can spark it again is if you surprise her with your abilities in a way she doesn't expect, and then woo her the way you've done before when it worked.


_________________
Dark humor is 10 children in a dumpster. Morbid humor is a child in 10 dumpsters. :twisted:


goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 18,469
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

06 Sep 2022, 12:17 am

r00tb33r wrote:
This is what I'm afraid of the most in these relationships.

I think the only way you can spark it again is if you surprise her with your abilities in a way she doesn't expect, and then woo her the way you've done before when it worked.


This just doesn't seem very realistic.

Her biological clock is ticking and his functioning level isn't high enough to raise children.

The probability of them remaining together as life partners is.. not very high. Accepting this and moving on/forward would be much better advice, IMO.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


r00tb33r
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2016
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,442
Location: Virginia

06 Sep 2022, 12:22 am

goldfish21 wrote:
r00tb33r wrote:
This is what I'm afraid of the most in these relationships.

I think the only way you can spark it again is if you surprise her with your abilities in a way she doesn't expect, and then woo her the way you've done before when it worked.


This just doesn't seem very realistic.

Her biological clock is ticking and his functioning level isn't high enough to raise children.

The probability of them remaining together as life partners is.. not very high. Accepting this and moving on/forward would be much better advice, IMO.

I always go down swinging. :eye:


_________________
Dark humor is 10 children in a dumpster. Morbid humor is a child in 10 dumpsters. :twisted:


goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 18,469
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

06 Sep 2022, 12:39 am

r00tb33r wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
r00tb33r wrote:
This is what I'm afraid of the most in these relationships.

I think the only way you can spark it again is if you surprise her with your abilities in a way she doesn't expect, and then woo her the way you've done before when it worked.


This just doesn't seem very realistic.

Her biological clock is ticking and his functioning level isn't high enough to raise children.

The probability of them remaining together as life partners is.. not very high. Accepting this and moving on/forward would be much better advice, IMO.

I always go down swinging. :eye:


I'm a never give up type person. This guy shouldn't give up on life, love, relationships etc.. but this chapter is closing and he'd be better to put his energy into himself and the possibility of finding love again in the future than trying to hold onto something he should be letting go of and moving on from as best he can.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


Worthless
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 568

07 Sep 2022, 8:30 pm

Thank you all for the replies. She does want kids, we both do. I don't know if I can just move on; I have never felt about another person how I felt/feel about her. I never even had a girlfriend before we got together.

She started digging a shelter this morning. She had been watching YouTube videos about how to do it and mentioned what she was doing, "in case you want to build something similar". I asked if I could help her but she doesn't want any help although she was commenting on how tough the ground is and talking about other options besides hand tools such as renting a small excivator.



r00tb33r
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2016
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,442
Location: Virginia

07 Sep 2022, 10:07 pm

Worthless wrote:
Thank you all for the replies. She does want kids, we both do. I don't know if I can just move on; I have never felt about another person how I felt/feel about her. I never even had a girlfriend before we got together.

She started digging a shelter this morning. She had been watching YouTube videos about how to do it and mentioned what she was doing, "in case you want to build something similar". I asked if I could help her but she doesn't want any help although she was commenting on how tough the ground is and talking about other options besides hand tools such as renting a small excivator.

Digging a shelter? Is she having a mental health situation?


_________________
Dark humor is 10 children in a dumpster. Morbid humor is a child in 10 dumpsters. :twisted:


Worthless
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 568

07 Sep 2022, 10:38 pm

r00tb33r wrote:
Worthless wrote:
Thank you all for the replies. She does want kids, we both do. I don't know if I can just move on; I have never felt about another person how I felt/feel about her. I never even had a girlfriend before we got together.

She started digging a shelter this morning. She had been watching YouTube videos about how to do it and mentioned what she was doing, "in case you want to build something similar". I asked if I could help her but she doesn't want any help although she was commenting on how tough the ground is and talking about other options besides hand tools such as renting a small excivator.

Digging a shelter? Is she having a mental health situation?


Well, the hovel we have been living in is falling apart... We bought "vacant land" and were fully intending to build a house/cabin or something, but we got overwhelmed and there were a lot of unexpected challenges. We end up living in one of the abandoned mobile homes on the property "temperarilly" and we are still here... It is poorly insulated and barely climate controlled, along with a plethora of other serious issues. Last winter was perticuarly brutal and we ended up surviving with the use of hot water bottles and lots of blankets. The air inside was cold enough to see your breath. My heating goal was just to try to keep it at 50°F near the wood stove, but the bedroom didn't have any heat. She has serious concerns (as do I) about the air quality, structutral integrity, electric, ect.. Now, we don't have the funds for other housing options.