Being a Grandparent

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My younger neutrotypical son is having his first child and I’m happy but I’m not happy that my older son who is high functioning autistic is also having his. My older son got upset. Why is that?

Probably because you're not happy for him.

Is it correct that you aren't happy your oldest son is also giving you a grandchild? Did I read that correctly? That obviously is not the reaction he was expecting.

Are you worried the grandchild might be more severely impaired than your son is?

If so, remember that neither the existence of autism nor its severity can be predicted. Odds change, but odds are not determinative.

As a grandparent, your focus should be on accepting all grandchildren as a gift. It's OK to worry, and even express that, but if you act unhappy that your ASD son is having a child, you are basically telling him that you see the way he is as something less than the way your other son is. Who wouldn't be upset by that?

My ASD son can't imagine his life without his ASD. Yes, there are burdens, but there are also gifts that make him the bright light in our lives he has been. He is aware of the challenges we faced helping him grow up. But if he has a child, I do believe his eyes will be open to the potential risks, and the potential rewards. We will be excited for that grandchild no matter what.

So. What does that mean?

It means you should support your older child equally as much as you support your younger child.

I was surprised because I felt he wasn’t ready for parenting.

Not everyone has the luxury of being ready for parenting at the time they actually become parents. There can be a variety of different stories behind such a situation, but I think the answer is to be available to help, instead of holding back excitement for the child.

If my son told me that he and his girlfriend were expecting a child, I would definitely be surprised. They've both talked about still finding their footing for their adult lives, and the process hasn't been all that smooth. I can't imagine they would choose to get pregnant right now, but life happens despite best laid plans. I think my first reaction would be to ask my son how he felt about it, and then I'd go on board with whatever he seems to be needing from me.

I would let your older son know that you were surprised because you didn't realize it was something he wanted to happen at this phase of his life. Of course you will be excited to meet his child, your grandchild. I recommend you get him to talk about his feelings and plans, and support him unconditionally.