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babybird
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19 Sep 2022, 12:52 pm

KitLily wrote:
I often wonder if I've been 'conditioned' to be autistic.

I was a very talkative, emotional child with big feelings, but I was constantly told to shut up, stop talking, calm down, don't overreact, keep my feelings private, or my mum and others got very angry with me.

So I learned to do all that. To basically stop showing or even having emotions, because they upset other people and I got punished. Therefore I became an unemotional person who rarely shows her feelings, but has a tornado of feelings inside all the time. And also because I wasn't allowed to have feelings, I never learned what feelings are or how to cope with them.


It's strange you should say that because I didn't feel that there was anything like autism until I'd had my daughter. I had quite bad post natal depression and I just don't think I recovered.

It's like the person that went out came back in as an autistic person. If you get what I mean.

I've even compared photos of myself before and after and I look like a completely different person.


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babybird
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19 Sep 2022, 12:55 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
I really hate attention. Makes me :oops:


I work in adult entertainment so attention is something that I have to endure sometimes. Otherwise I also hate it. I blush if I have to talk about myself. It's so painful.

Even on here. If I'm writing about myself I can feel my face going bright red.


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IsabellaLinton
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19 Sep 2022, 1:22 pm

2/48



Where_am_I
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19 Sep 2022, 1:43 pm

babybird wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
I really hate attention. Makes me :oops:


I work in adult entertainment so attention is something that I have to endure sometimes. Otherwise I also hate it. I blush if I have to talk about myself. It's so painful.

Even on here. If I'm writing about myself I can feel my face going bright red.

I'm intrigued!

Yeah I feel the same when I write about myself on here. Makes me cringe when I read back!


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CockneyRebel
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19 Sep 2022, 1:48 pm

I've scored 2


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CockneyRebel
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19 Sep 2022, 2:00 pm

I've scored 6 out of 48 on the second test.


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Where_am_I
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19 Sep 2022, 2:12 pm

KitLily wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
I really hate attention. Makes me :oops:


Ugh yes. Awful. If people expect me to 'perform' I hide in the kitchen or wherever.

My high scores were that I'm very emotional. And I often think someone is a good friend whereas they think I'm a casual friend/ acquaintance.

Yeah I can understand the hiding. :lol:

I scored a 5 in the second test. I take pride in my physical appearance, but don't spend heaps of time on it.


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kraftiekortie
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19 Sep 2022, 2:25 pm

I scored 1 out of 8.

On the other test: 6 out of 48



Where_am_I
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19 Sep 2022, 2:28 pm

^ Do the second test!

Edit: I see Kraftie has added that score. :lol:


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Radish
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19 Sep 2022, 3:36 pm

Zero on the second test. Total opposite to me.


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KitLily
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20 Sep 2022, 4:50 am

babybird wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I often wonder if I've been 'conditioned' to be autistic.


It's strange you should say that because I didn't feel that there was anything like autism until I'd had my daughter. I had quite bad post natal depression and I just don't think I recovered.

It's like the person that went out came back in as an autistic person. If you get what I mean.

I've even compared photos of myself before and after and I look like a completely different person.


I agree with you. I think pregnancy and birth make a HUGE difference to women's minds and bodies. This situation isn't studied enough IMO. It's just dismissed as 'all part of nature.'

It's not rocket science either: growing and birthing a whole human person inside yourself MUST make a difference, mustn't it. It's earth shattering.

I had terrible pre and post natal depression too. I was desperately ill during pregnancy, it was a fight to the death between my body and the baby. Luckily we both survived! I had almost no support, no friends or family, and after the birth it was the same. Just one husband running round doing everything. Very, very lonely and frightening.

I lost faith in the human race as no one came to my rescue. No old friends asking how I was because they hadn't heard from me for so long. Just...tumbleweed.

I reckon my circumstances of being silenced as a young person and then abandoned during pregnancy and motherhood have just made me act like an autistic person.

Plus I was only diagnosed over Zoom so they didn't even meet me!


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KitLily
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20 Sep 2022, 4:53 am

Where_am_I wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Ugh yes. Awful. If people expect me to 'perform' I hide in the kitchen or wherever.

My high scores were that I'm very emotional. And I often think someone is a good friend whereas they think I'm a casual friend/ acquaintance.

Yeah I can understand the hiding. :lol:

I scored a 5 in the second test. I take pride in my physical appearance, but don't spend heaps of time on it.


yes, I am often hiding from people :lol:

I agree, I take a lot more care of my appearance than I used to, it's nice to look in the mirror and think 'not bad' instead of 'ugh' like I used to.

However! I carefully follow one of those Seasonal dressing systems, that made a world of difference to my appearance. My daughter always knows how to dress but I never did til now.

Of course being called Ugly all my life did not help my self esteem! Just because I'm not blonde with big boobs doesn't mean I'm ugly!


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20 Sep 2022, 9:33 am

^ :| The people that called you ugly are bullies with ugly personalities.

I hope you make full use of your daughter's skills! My sister is great at putting outfits together.....she used to create all my outfits for me when we lived with our parents..

Ps sorry BB for derailing!


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20 Sep 2022, 10:45 am

1/8
16/48


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babybird
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20 Sep 2022, 10:49 am

Where_am_I wrote:
^ :| The people that called you ugly are bullies with ugly personalities.

I hope you make full use of your daughter's skills! My sister is great at putting outfits together.....she used to create all my outfits for me when we lived with our parents..

Ps sorry BB for derailing!


It was all in a good cause. I won't hold it against you for the rest of your life.


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KitLily
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20 Sep 2022, 11:47 am

Where_am_I wrote:
^ :| The people that called you ugly are bullies with ugly personalities.

I hope you make full use of your daughter's skills! My sister is great at putting outfits together.....she used to create all my outfits for me when we lived with our parents..

Ps sorry BB for derailing!


Thank you. I eventually realised that in my 40s, lol! Bullies can spot someone with low self esteem a mile away can't they.

Oh yes, I do! I always ask my daughter what goes with what and does it look weird! She has always been a girlie girl and loves fashion, make up, jewellery. I've never seen the point of any of that! Clothes should be practical and comfortable, make up is pointless as you just have to take it off again, and jewellery is too fussy. I can wear a necklace for a little while then it starts annoying me :lol:


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.