Maybe I should go ahead and date non-whites

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CockneyRebel
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08 Oct 2022, 8:14 am

The OP knows that I'm an animal lover. Very impressive.


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08 Oct 2022, 8:27 am

I'd like to publicly apologise for my misleading post about the op. Sorry for any misunderstanding or offense caused.


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08 Oct 2022, 8:40 am

magz wrote:
QFT wrote:
So I guess its true that if I were to date a woman of color, and she were to "do" something to get me angry, I might use racial slur. But then, at the same time, if I were to date a white woman, and she were to "do" something to make me angry, I would yell at her too. But instead of racial slur, I will simply find something else that would be applicable to her, yet would still be offensive.
Thank you for providing a clear example of your abusive pattern.
You get angry at someone and immediatelly you do something to hurt their feelings - and find this obvious.


I am not sure what you meant by "finding it obvious". But to clarify

--- I agree with you that its wrong to do it.

--- However, I admit that thats what I do

I mean, there are plenty of smokers that know smoking is wrong, yet still smoke, and they admit that they smoke.

Now, the part that I find obvious is NOT that "this is the way that should be done" (its not!) Rather, the part that I find obvious is that "this is what happened".

As far as "this is what happened" part, yes I find it obvious. And then I get mad at people when they think that it was something other than this.

For example, when I punched that guy because other people in the room didn't talk to me, I found it obvious that this guy would know that this is the reason I punched him (particularly since I was whining about it the next hour). But in actuality he didn't know. Because, as a result of that incident, he came to the conclusion that my intention of wanting a girlfriend is to treat her with anger. I still don't understand how such intention is conceivable. But the fact that that is what he thought -- and he thought it as a result that I punched him -- shows that he misinterpretted why I did it. And since I am so upset at him in misinterpretting why I punched him, that suggests that from my point of view it should be obvious why I did.

But the fact that I find it obvious why I punched him doesn't imply that I think its a good thing to do.

Let me give you an example. Lets say someone is smoking. And you are going to say "you smoke because you are actually WANT to ruin your own health". That would be a misunderstanding, wouldn't it. They don't "want" to ruin their health. They know they "do" ruin it, yes. But just the fact that they are knowingly ruining their health, it doesn't mean they want to.

Now, will they get upset if you tell them they want to ruin their health? Yes. Because it should be obvious that its not what they want.

But the fact that it should be obvious that its not what they want, this doesn't mean that smoking is a good thing to do, is it?

So with my situation it is the same way. I think it should be obvious that purposely hurting people isn't my overall goal (just like its obvious that smokers don't have a goal of ruining their health). But at the same time I am not saying that purposely hurting people is a good thing to do (just like I am not saying that smoking is a good thing to do either).

Side note: I was NOT equating preferences of dating a certain race with smoking (there is nothing unhealthy about dating preferences). What I equated with smoking are things like using N-words, or making other hurtful remarks.

magz wrote:
Maybe you don't know other ways, I don't know. Maybe you need to reflect on the history of your own family and its abusive patterns.


I remember how my dad never got along with my mom's mom. And when my mom came to America 2 years before me and my dad joined her, I remember those two years in Russia there were constant arguments between my dad and my grandma on mom's side as to what I should do. Mainly around whether I should visit my dad to play piano or not, or whether I shoudl go with my dad to a concert or not.

I also remember how my dad and my grandma were saying negative things about each other directly towards me. For example, my dad was saying that my grandma babies me too much, and so I won't learn independence. My grandma was saying how me and my dad argue with each other (usually about physics), so I would learn to argue with others. Once, my grandma told me a long story of all the problems that she had when I was little kid, that were caused by my dad and his mom (including her not being given a key to my dad's appartment). I don't know what went on though. Neither of them are alive as of now, and my mom never talks about it so I have no idea what side she is on in this regard.

And then when me and my dad joined my mom in America, then there were arguments between my dad and my mom as to what I should do. The one I remember the best is when we went to Czech Republic for a couple of weeks in the summer. My dad thought that because I studied too much during the semester I should rest so we should go to a forest. My mom thought that we should go to the museum since thats what we were there for. And then they were screaming at each other as to what is best for me instead of actually asking me (well to be honest I didn't have opinion since I just wanted this whole argument to end). We ended up going to a forest -- after several hours of an argument.

Now, this was not the only argument that they had. I mean they were constantly arguing with each other throughout the three years they were together in America (and then my dad left to Russia because of those arguments). I actually don't remember most of it. The one that I remember was how my mom thought I should stop running because of my scoliosis and my dad thought I should continue to run. But that wasn't the sole source of arguments, because from what I remember it was only like 10% of it. I don't remember the rest. But everything was basically centered as to who thinks what is best for me.

By the way, my mom was the one who found cross country running team for me immediately after my dad left to Russia, and she never had problems with my running ever since. So I don't understand why she thought I should stop running when my dad was there. When I asked her she told me that it was because those were the critical teenage years when my back bones were forming, but then when those years were over it wasn't critical any more. Well I didn't know that.

But in any case, like I said, this was not the only thing they were arguing about. They were arguing about a bunch of other things that I don't even remember. I do remember though that my dad was throwing plates and stuff when he was arguing (only my dad threw plates; my mom didn't).

I remember how my mom was sometimes telling my dad that if he keeps throwing plates, I will learn it from him, and will do it with my future wife. But here is the thing. My dad left back to Russia when I was 17. I started throwing temper tantrums when I was 21. So its not like I was remembering my dad doing it or trying to immitate it, at least it didn't feel that way.

What seems a lot closer to what happened is this. All of their arguments were centered on "what is best for me". So I am used to how the world revolves around me. And when I was faced with situations when it didn't, then I didn't know how to deal with it.

Also I am used to being treated as a child (I mean, treating me like a child was the whole context of their arguments). Little kids can throw tantrums. Thats why I do that.

magz wrote:
In a healthy relationship, you try to avoid hurting feelings of others even when you're angry at them.
Examples:
"Honey, I know you didn't mean it but that pissed me off, try not to do it again."
"I'm having a really bad day, I'm angry, please, leave me alone."


But I remember few years ago (before covid ever started) you told me that in Eastern Europe (including Poland) both men and women can fight for themselves. I think the topic of conversation was how Americans avoid me and you said that American reaction is to avoid while Polish reaction is to be rude back.

So those "polite" examples above, was it just your reflection on how it is in America? Or are you saying that even in Poland they speak that way?

magz wrote:
Spawning hurtful, offensive content on your loved ones instantly makes a deep breach in the relationship that can't be repaired without really a lot of hard work.


I guess I didn't realize it was that drastic. I was assuming that one offensive remark would result in the distancing for, perhaps few hours, or a day, or few days. I didn't realize it would cause a "deep breach" that would last for months.

That is probably one of the main reasons I get so surprised by the outcomes I receive. Because sometimes I do know that the immediate reaction to what I do would be anger back. But I get surprised when it ends up being lasting reaction rather than short lived reaction.

Could "this" be the point where my parents relationship is relevant? Because in case of my parents, I can't say that their breakup was due to my father throwing plates this one time. No. It was after he did this for years. So maybe thats why if I do something just once and the girl leaves I get surprised.

magz wrote:
Actually, spawning hurtful content on anyone makes them want to remove you from their potential friends list. How can this not be obvious?


Because people are humans and aren't perfect. So I am puzzled how they can say I will "Never" be their friend or their partner based on something I did just once.

magz wrote:
Doing such things light-handedly is serious emotional abuse.


I thought abuse is something calculated. While in my case its not calculated. On the contrary, I often regret the things I say or do.



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08 Oct 2022, 9:37 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
He should seek out a fellow nuclear physicist


I am not nuclear physicist, I am particle physicist.

Well I guess particle physicist isn't accurate either. What I do is quantum field theory (which is where my user name is coming from). But at least particle physics is closer to it.

My dad was nuclear physicist, though. Although not quite either. He was an engineer in nuclear physics lab.



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08 Oct 2022, 9:39 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
I never did like racist people.


I have nothing against having black friends. I just don't want to date black people. Big difference.



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08 Oct 2022, 9:43 am

Simple question: what exactly do I do THAT drastic that makes y'all say I deserve to be single forever, I am abuser, etc?

If its the fact that I prefer to only date whites, I already gave you a list of my ex-s that had the same preference. So just because you disagree with this, I don't see why you would villify me to this extend. Considering that there are plenty of people that agree with me with regards to racial issue.

Or are you saying that, instead, you are referring to the *Other* things I did, such as the ones I listed in those 10 examples of "misunderstandings"? But when I wrote those examples I described, in detail, how I was clueless as to what went on. So why is it my fault that I was clueless? Particularly since being clueless is all that Asperger is about?



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08 Oct 2022, 9:52 am

QFT wrote:
Simple question: what exactly do I do THAT drastic that makes y'all say I deserve to be single forever, I am abuser, etc?

If its the fact that I prefer to only date whites, I already gave you a list of my ex-s that had the same preference. So just because you disagree with this, I don't see why you would villify me to this extend. Considering that there are plenty of people that agree with me with regards to racial issue.

Or are you saying that, instead, you are referring to the *Other* things I did, such as the ones I listed in those 10 examples of "misunderstandings"? But when I wrote those examples I described, in detail, how I was clueless as to what went on. So why is it my fault that I was clueless? Particularly since being clueless is all that Asperger is about?

You don't seem to understand anything I have expressed in here.

Read my posts in this thread. If you still don't get it, keep reading until you do.

I'm done with this thread.


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magz
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08 Oct 2022, 10:08 am

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
QFT wrote:
So I guess its true that if I were to date a woman of color, and she were to "do" something to get me angry, I might use racial slur. But then, at the same time, if I were to date a white woman, and she were to "do" something to make me angry, I would yell at her too. But instead of racial slur, I will simply find something else that would be applicable to her, yet would still be offensive.
Thank you for providing a clear example of your abusive pattern.
You get angry at someone and immediatelly you do something to hurt their feelings - and find this obvious.


I am not sure what you meant by "finding it obvious". But to clarify

--- I agree with you that its wrong to do it.

--- However, I admit that thats what I do

I mean, there are plenty of smokers that know smoking is wrong, yet still smoke, and they admit that they smoke.

Now, the part that I find obvious is NOT that "this is the way that should be done" (its not!) Rather, the part that I find obvious is that "this is what happened".

As far as "this is what happened" part, yes I find it obvious. And then I get mad at people when they think that it was something other than this.

For example, when I punched that guy because other people in the room didn't talk to me, I found it obvious that this guy would know that this is the reason I punched him (particularly since I was whining about it the next hour). But in actuality he didn't know. Because, as a result of that incident, he came to the conclusion that my intention of wanting a girlfriend is to treat her with anger. I still don't understand how such intention is conceivable. But the fact that that is what he thought -- and he thought it as a result that I punched him -- shows that he misinterpretted why I did it. And since I am so upset at him in misinterpretting why I punched him, that suggests that from my point of view it should be obvious why I did.

But the fact that I find it obvious why I punched him doesn't imply that I think its a good thing to do.

Let me give you an example. Lets say someone is smoking. And you are going to say "you smoke because you are actually WANT to ruin your own health". That would be a misunderstanding, wouldn't it. They don't "want" to ruin their health. They know they "do" ruin it, yes. But just the fact that they are knowingly ruining their health, it doesn't mean they want to.

Now, will they get upset if you tell them they want to ruin their health? Yes. Because it should be obvious that its not what they want.

But the fact that it should be obvious that its not what they want, this doesn't mean that smoking is a good thing to do, is it?

So with my situation it is the same way. I think it should be obvious that purposely hurting people isn't my overall goal (just like its obvious that smokers don't have a goal of ruining their health). But at the same time I am not saying that purposely hurting people is a good thing to do (just like I am not saying that smoking is a good thing to do either).

Side note: I was NOT equating preferences of dating a certain race with smoking (there is nothing unhealthy about dating preferences). What I equated with smoking are things like using N-words, or making other hurtful remarks.
Most smokers I know at least contain their unhealthy habit to places where it doesn't harm others.

What do you do to prevent harming other with your unhealthy habits?

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
Maybe you don't know other ways, I don't know. Maybe you need to reflect on the history of your own family and its abusive patterns.
I remember how my dad never got along with my mom's mom. And when my mom came to America 2 years before me and my dad joined her, I remember those two years in Russia there were constant arguments between my dad and my grandma on mom's side as to what I should do. Mainly around whether I should visit my dad to play piano or not, or whether I shoudl go with my dad to a concert or not.

I also remember how my dad and my grandma were saying negative things about each other directly towards me. For example, my dad was saying that my grandma babies me too much, and so I won't learn independence. My grandma was saying how me and my dad argue with each other (usually about physics), so I would learn to argue with others. Once, my grandma told me a long story of all the problems that she had when I was little kid, that were caused by my dad and his mom (including her not being given a key to my dad's appartment). I don't know what went on though. Neither of them are alive as of now, and my mom never talks about it so I have no idea what side she is on in this regard.

And then when me and my dad joined my mom in America, then there were arguments between my dad and my mom as to what I should do. The one I remember the best is when we went to Czech Republic for a couple of weeks in the summer. My dad thought that because I studied too much during the semester I should rest so we should go to a forest. My mom thought that we should go to the museum since thats what we were there for. And then they were screaming at each other as to what is best for me instead of actually asking me (well to be honest I didn't have opinion since I just wanted this whole argument to end). We ended up going to a forest -- after several hours of an argument.

Now, this was not the only argument that they had. I mean they were constantly arguing with each other throughout the three years they were together in America (and then my dad left to Russia because of those arguments). I actually don't remember most of it. The one that I remember was how my mom thought I should stop running because of my scoliosis and my dad thought I should continue to run. But that wasn't the sole source of arguments, because from what I remember it was only like 10% of it. I don't remember the rest. But everything was basically centered as to who thinks what is best for me.

By the way, my mom was the one who found cross country running team for me immediately after my dad left to Russia, and she never had problems with my running ever since. So I don't understand why she thought I should stop running when my dad was there. When I asked her she told me that it was because those were the critical teenage years when my back bones were forming, but then when those years were over it wasn't critical any more. Well I didn't know that.

But in any case, like I said, this was not the only thing they were arguing about. They were arguing about a bunch of other things that I don't even remember. I do remember though that my dad was throwing plates and stuff when he was arguing (only my dad threw plates; my mom didn't).

I remember how my mom was sometimes telling my dad that if he keeps throwing plates, I will learn it from him, and will do it with my future wife. But here is the thing. My dad left back to Russia when I was 17. I started throwing temper tantrums when I was 21. So its not like I was remembering my dad doing it or trying to immitate it, at least it didn't feel that way.

What seems a lot closer to what happened is this. All of their arguments were centered on "what is best for me". So I am used to how the world revolves around me. And when I was faced with situations when it didn't, then I didn't know how to deal with it.

Also I am used to being treated as a child (I mean, treating me like a child was the whole context of their arguments). Little kids can throw tantrums. Thats why I do that.
Well, your parents clearly did not manage conflicts well, so you had no one to learn from.
What you describe, in particular the running thing, makes me believe all these arguments about "what is best for QFT" were in reality arguments about "who rules here and controls what others do". Your good was only a very handy argument to use.

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
In a healthy relationship, you try to avoid hurting feelings of others even when you're angry at them.
Examples:
"Honey, I know you didn't mean it but that pissed me off, try not to do it again."
"I'm having a really bad day, I'm angry, please, leave me alone."
But I remember few years ago (before covid ever started) you told me that in Eastern Europe (including Poland) both men and women can fight for themselves. I think the topic of conversation was how Americans avoid me and you said that American reaction is to avoid while Polish reaction is to be rude back.

So those "polite" examples above, was it just your reflection on how it is in America? Or are you saying that even in Poland they speak that way?
1. I have never been to USA so how can I know for sure? I only can learn from popular culture, comparing American articles on psychology to my experiencess and meeting people in places like WP.
2. Standing for yourself is one thing, escalating is another thing.
3. It seems negativity is much more accepted in East Europe than in USA. Open disagreement is considered normal - but it's something different from agression/attacking someone (something we very much stress when moderating PPR...)
4. Yes, I believe people try to be polite to you and not tell you directly when they get angry at you - often until they are so angry they no longer can control themselves and completely give up trying to be polite or even fair.

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
Spawning hurtful, offensive content on your loved ones instantly makes a deep breach in the relationship that can't be repaired without really a lot of hard work.
I guess I didn't realize it was that drastic. I was assuming that one offensive remark would result in the distancing for, perhaps few hours, or a day, or few days. I didn't realize it would cause a "deep breach" that would last for months.

That is probably one of the main reasons I get so surprised by the outcomes I receive. Because sometimes I do know that the immediate reaction to what I do would be anger back. But I get surprised when it ends up being lasting reaction rather than short lived reaction.

Could "this" be the point where my parents relationship is relevant? Because in case of my parents, I can't say that their breakup was due to my father throwing plates this one time. No. It was after he did this for years. So maybe thats why if I do something just once and the girl leaves I get surprised.
I think this is relevant. Such things do build up over time.

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
Actually, spawning hurtful content on anyone makes them want to remove you from their potential friends list. How can this not be obvious?
Because people are humans and aren't perfect. So I am puzzled how they can say I will "Never" be their friend or their partner based on something I did just once.
I agree humans are no perfect.
So when we do something wrong, we apoligize and try to repair the damage done - that's how we show we care.

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
Doing such things light-handedly is serious emotional abuse.
I thought abuse is something calculated. While in my case its not calculated. On the contrary, I often regret the things I say or do.

Abuse is any activity that causes harm to another person.
We are not perfect, I agree. So when we realize our actions were harmful, we try to repair what was damaged and learn not to repeat our mistakes.


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08 Oct 2022, 10:10 am

Where_am_I wrote:
Read my posts in this thread. If you still don't get it, keep reading until you do.


Your posts are basically saying what a horrible person I am that I won't date non-whites.

I gave you examples of my ex-s that also won't date non-whites.

Were all the aforementioned ex-s horrible racists, too?

Those ex-s constituted 50% of people I heard weigh in on the topic. Is 50% of population horrible racists that shouldn't ever get a partner?



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08 Oct 2022, 10:15 am

QFT wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
Read my posts in this thread. If you still don't get it, keep reading until you do.


Your posts are basically saying what a horrible person I am that I won't date non-whites.

I gave you examples of my ex-s that also won't date non-whites.

Were all the aforementioned ex-s horrible racists, too?

Those ex-s constituted 50% of people I heard weigh in on the topic. Is 50% of population horrible racists that shouldn't ever get a partner?

Seriously??? I did NOT f*****g say that.

You're a horrible person for considering dating non white women, because you're a racist.

To summarise (again, for f***s sake): stick with your preference. Do not consider a non white woman until you stop being racist.

And stop making up crap I didn't say.


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08 Oct 2022, 10:17 am

Where_am_I wrote:
QFT wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
Read my posts in this thread. If you still don't get it, keep reading until you do.


Your posts are basically saying what a horrible person I am that I won't date non-whites.

I gave you examples of my ex-s that also won't date non-whites.

Were all the aforementioned ex-s horrible racists, too?

Those ex-s constituted 50% of people I heard weigh in on the topic. Is 50% of population horrible racists that shouldn't ever get a partner?

Seriously??? I did NOT f*****g say that.

You're a horrible person for considering dating non white women, because you're a racist.

To summarise (again, for f***s sake): stick with your preference. Do not consider a non white woman until you stop being racist.

And stop making up crap I didn't say.


Well, some other responders (including goldfish) said that I shouldn't date at all. Would you say they were wrong, then?

Also, in the other threads when I said I "won't" date non-whites, people said its bad. And now that I am saying I will, its bad too. Its like I can never win.



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08 Oct 2022, 10:28 am

It's bad that you show racist views, okay?

You should never consider dating someone you don't consider your equal. So, as long as you hold your arbitrarily hierarchical opinions on people, you don't really have much chance for a healthy relationship.


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08 Oct 2022, 10:39 am

Let's try and put it in terms you understand. I'll explain it as simply as I would to my daughter so you should be able to understand.

If someone came up to you and said autism isn't real. People are just stupid. You need medicated your autism. You can't be autistic as you look normal. You're a f**king idiot. Jerk. Why didn't your parents get rid of you?

How would you feel if you were directly targeted by any of these in person to your face?

My guess not good and probably get angry.

You do this to others when you say racist or homophobic things. Today the world is evolving and more accepting to both of these. Even in America. There was a reserch paper I read on it.

So either move back to Russia, where it is more common to have these view points, although not all Russian's do, the majority of my Russian friends don't a couple do though. As you would be more likely to get on with an Eastern European. Or adapt to the forever changing America you now call home.



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08 Oct 2022, 10:45 am

What’s your problem with dating non-whites anyway?

I’ve learned, through first-hand experience, that non-whites, in essence, are no different from whites. The only difference is the pigment of their skin, and the nature of their hair.

Two people, of different races, who were raised in the same environment, and who are of similar neurology, would inevitably come out pretty even in most areas, including how they express their intelligence.

I would prefer a non-white person who shares a lot of my philosophy….over a white person who opposes me philosophically.



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08 Oct 2022, 11:14 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Maybe you should go ahead and stop being racist...


That may help you in the area of making friends, its 2022 most people find racist views icky and gross.


Never understood why on earth autistic people would be prejudiced. The nazis that he shares views with would obviously think he is inferior because of his autism.



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08 Oct 2022, 11:29 am

QFT wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
Read my posts in this thread. If you still don't get it, keep reading until you do.


Your posts are basically saying what a horrible person I am that I won't date non-whites.

I gave you examples of my ex-s that also won't date non-whites.

Were all the aforementioned ex-s horrible racists, too?

Those ex-s constituted 50% of people I heard weigh in on the topic. Is 50% of population horrible racists that shouldn't ever get a partner?



You are a horrible person for viewing people as inferior for their race. The issue is that you continuously post racist bile that is extremely bigoted and generalizing. You also act like you are "lowering" yourself to date a "non-white" person. Not to mention you openly admit to having racial biases that are disproved and attempt to debate everyone who disagrees with you. You also apparently wanted to CHANGE ROOMMATES because he was gay and that freaked you out. I do agree that you may have challenges dating because of autism primarily, after all there are plenty of bigots who are in relationships. That being said, you are also just a hateful person. I think you did have opportunities and scared them away. I certainly would not date you, even if you were an attractive woman who was 20 years old. And even if someone WOULD date you, like your 3 GFs, they likely won't stay around for long. You seem to view people like objects. I am fairly liberal with autism politics, I personally HATE when people say that people who are say, angry at the world should focus on themselves instead of dating, but man even I admit you should see a therapist to get over your hateful and outdated beliefs.