Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 


What do I do now?
Apologize. 50%  50%  [ 4 ]
Try to do better and move on. 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Don't worry about it. 13%  13%  [ 1 ]
Talk to them about it. 38%  38%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 8

Ceallaigh
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2017
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 68
Location: Colorado

18 Oct 2022, 11:08 pm

Ok all, I'm feeling very targeted and called out but I'm not sure if I should be. Today and yesterday both, two different friends who don't know each other each complained to me that in their recent time of trouble or absence from the group I know them from, no one called, texted or anything. I know that I didn't. My anxiety keeps me from doing things like that very easily. I usually have to work myself up to it. Now, I'm wondering if both of these friends were really trying to tell me that I should have reached out to them. These two ladies are both ND. They also both know that I'm on the spectrum and that I don't pick up on indirect communication. My question is, now what? It feels super awkward to apologize to either of these ladies. On the other hand, maybe that's why I always feel so disconnected. My daughter says that people where I live are particularly self absorbed. So, it seems very possible to me that both ladies understand that I really do care about them, think about them, and pray for them but were just honestly complaining about everyone else. I feel so confused and conflicted. What do I do?! ! :(



autisticelders
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,279
Location: Alpena MI

20 Oct 2022, 4:53 am

I'd say I was sorry they felt neglected or abandoned (whatever emotions they expressed?) and reassure them that you do care about them (if you do!). Perhaps at this point the moment has already passed. Are you still interacting with them? Simply acknowledging somebody else's feelings is often enough. Hope things are going OK between you at this point.


_________________
https://oldladywithautism.blog/

"Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.” Samuel Johnson


himmellaufen
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 3 Oct 2022
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 96

20 Oct 2022, 5:21 am

apologize, but not sincerly. You did nothing wrong. but these people want some kinda apology, so give it to them so they f**k off and go blame someone else.



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 74
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,648
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

20 Oct 2022, 7:45 am

Ask them what they think the problem is with their more socially adept friends. Is everyone either crippled or too busy?



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,539
Location: England

20 Oct 2022, 7:54 am

You could say:

I'm sorry I didn't contact you. I was thinking about you but I didn't want to intrude or bother you.

They might reply:
Oh I didn't mean you! I was talking about the other people.

Or:
I wish you would have contacted me, I wanted someone to.

Then hopefully you can talk to them about it.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,086
Location: Queens, NYC

20 Oct 2022, 7:59 am

I wouldn't apologize solely for causing offense when no offense was meant. Only for the hurt which my unintentional actions or words caused, while emphasizing that I had no intention of causing offense.



KitLily
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,539
Location: England

20 Oct 2022, 8:32 am

The thing I've noticed about people is often if you apologise, they say 'no, I'M sorry. I was being too (touchy/ rude/ sensitive etc)' and then you get to the real reason.


_________________
I am here for interesting, meaningful discussions and thoughtful, rewarding conversations. I very quickly lose interest in long, drawn-out arguments.
***
I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Last edited by KitLily on 20 Oct 2022, 8:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 109,289
Location: On a special base where the Christmas soldiers of the world live

20 Oct 2022, 8:35 am

When something like this happens to me, I give an apology.


_________________
Oberfeldwebel

Age: 48
Gender: Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/Him/His
IQ: 86 and I use all 86 of them.


Ceallaigh
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2017
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 68
Location: Colorado

20 Oct 2022, 10:05 pm

Thank you all so much for your responses! I am still just as close to both friends and neither one seems to have backed off. I told one today that I'm going to try and be better at saying something, even just a quick text, when I think of people. Another friend told me there's no need, when I said that. The one I mentioned doing better to even offered to have my husband, teenage son and I stay with her and her husband when we come back to visit after we move away. I should say that both ladies are ND, one is likely autistic and several...maybe all of her kids are (I don't remember), the other is ADHD. Both know that I need things to be direct. Directness is normal for each of the ladies. So perhaps they both were just venting and not suggesting that I personally should have contacted them more, even though I probably should have. How do you all deal with that? Do you send texts or something whenever you think of someone?



BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 25 Aug 2022
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 385
Location: Cali

25 Oct 2022, 1:56 pm

Ceallaigh wrote:
Ok all, I'm feeling very targeted and called out but I'm not sure if I should be. Today and yesterday both, two different friends who don't know each other each complained to me that in their recent time of trouble or absence from the group I know them from, no one called, texted or anything. I know that I didn't. My anxiety keeps me from doing things like that very easily. I usually have to work myself up to it. Now, I'm wondering if both of these friends were really trying to tell me that I should have reached out to them. These two ladies are both ND. They also both know that I'm on the spectrum and that I don't pick up on indirect communication. My question is, now what? It feels super awkward to apologize to either of these ladies. On the other hand, maybe that's why I always feel so disconnected. My daughter says that people where I live are particularly self absorbed. So, it seems very possible to me that both ladies understand that I really do care about them, think about them, and pray for them but were just honestly complaining about everyone else. I feel so confused and conflicted. What do I do?! ! :(

I would "write" them so I could articulate my feelings of confusion and concern. I don't think you should apologize unless the directly point something out, but doing so may add to the sentiment. Just my opinion