Finding similarities and seeing people as allies

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I have discovered two new ways of getting on with people.

1. 'Find similarities not differences.'

I've spent my life thinking I'm different to everyone so I look for differences and generally get annoyed with people for being different to me. But I'm trying to look for similarities which apparently helps get on with people.

e.g. I emailed my client that my family and I have all had bad colds and it's left me very tired. She said she was lucky it was just her and she could focus on her business. I sensed it was a bit of a 'single working woman' versus 'married stay at home mum' situation. (very common with women) So I replied that we were both business women working on our careers and we should be proud of ourselves. Therefore making us similar. She liked that.

2. 'Don't see people as competitors, see them as allies.'

A bit like no. 1. Everyone is encouraged to be competitive with each other in these days of the obsession with money and businesses. I'm trying to see people as allies and collaborators with me, it's hard to explain but I mean having more of an attitude of working together with people, not comparing myself to them.

Do these make any sense? They do to me but if you want more explanation, just ask.

Last edited by KitLily on 19 Oct 2022, 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think that those ate two very good pointers. I'm going to apply your theory from this point on. I might even open up to more people if I practice your method.

Thank you! I'm happy you wrote that.

Even if it's a really tiny similarity, like you both enjoy the current weather, or you're both wearing the same jeans, or something.

I was brought up by a difficult, argumentative mother who always opposes me, so I think I got brainwashed into thinking that arguing and confronting is how conversations should go.

My Mother and my Father were two opposites in some ways but they used each others good points to be quite a team together! So if one was NT and one was on the spectrum, it worked! (None have been diagnosed. Mum is likely to be if I am. Dad died over a decade ago so don't know if he would likely be on the opposite side of the spectrum (As he had traits, and pretty sure meltdowns which we assumed were sudden tempers before I found out about autism, but he may have been NT as he was very sociable in that he would have complete strangers welcome him into their houses... Something which I would not be able to do if I tried. Haha!)

But what I am saying is I understand what you mean as it does work. If an NT and an ASD can come together and tackle tasks, they can be quite a team!

Agrees with the ideas in this above posting, Sorry your Dad had traits ,that seemed angry .

My Dad loved me very much even though he may not have always said it. I know he loved me and my brothers and my Mum. Mum and I are naturally quiet people (Though talkative when happy), so if my Dad could not cope with something he would have a sudden temper (Meltdown?) We learned to see it as though when it came out, it would be sudden, there was a process in which it began which is usually where something happened where there would be a sudden unexpected decision change, which for me, can send me into a shutdown. Weirdly, I would not get this issue when I was working on the railways so much as I was masking, but masking does wear out which is where I left the job. Bicycle mechanical work I have had issues with sudden unexpected change.

Guess maybe your Dad had masking issues that might wear out too?…..So am ,glad you made it through those jobs ,
To make it here today .

That's not quite what I meant. I was trying to say to do this with everyone, not NTs and ASDs, just anyone you meet and like. Don't view them as someone to compare yourself with. View them as someone you can work with or collaborate with. Is than any clearer? I'm pretty tired, it's been a long day.

Thats very wise...for anyone...NT or AS.

Like coworker guy I sorta made friends with. He coaches soccer outside of work. I cant stand sports. But I do deejay related things outside of work. So we have in common - avocations outside of work. Things like that you can focus on.

That's it! You've got it.

It has taken me til I'm nearly 54 to realise this, however. Duhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Yes , am agreeing with this in concept , but if your life has fallen victim to people whom wish to prey on you repeatedly through years … the PTSD after effect , might cause it to be hard to employ these concepts at times ….

Apologies: (if am appearing to be a wet blanket effect on this thread , just now.)

Thought I got it but not?

The only similarity with me and 99% of the world's population is that we're human and we breathe oxygen.

That counts for autistic people as well.

I think this is good advice. Personally my go-to methods are:

a) point out something in the nearby surrounding area as a conversation starter, especially if it has comedic potential.

b) find a common interest and discuss.

or c) asking what someone finds interesting about their interest when you don't share it can be enlightening (not always though). You don't want to come across as rude, usually I phrase it along the lines of "Oh, I don't actually know much about (subject). How did you get into it?"

There's also a lot of potential if they want to learn a skill you are good at, especially if you in turn also want to learn how to improve a skill in an area which they are talented. If you already know each other fairly well, you might be able to help each other out. Which can be quite exciting; mentoring each other in different areas.

For a while I used to view others as competition who I had to prove my worth to in order to be valid. It's not a good mindset. However, I have learnt that you might be surprised at how much acting the part counts towards people assuming that you know what you're doing. I've heard people dub this 'the clipboard effect' which is a joke about how if you wander around with a clipboard, people will assume you're busy and / or campaigning for something and will avoid you, even if you're not actually doing anything.

It has taken me by surprise when I've posted my artwork and artists who are far more skilled than I am have liked my content. There's a significant amount of people out there who won't judge you for not being amazing and actually jump at the chance to share advice because it gives them the opportunity to talk about and share their interest with someone.

Unfortunately, not everyone is so kind. It is a great shame when I see new artists who share their work and get roasted. People who gatekeep interests are so bizarre and annoying. 'Oh you like X? Name five of their songs' 'You like playing X game? I bet you're not even good' 'Only true fans like X, Y and Z'

Oh yes it is hard. I've been taken advantage of many times.

I'm wondering though if it is a test for people: if they are happy to genuinely have things in common with us, maybe it's a good sign? If they are argumentative and persist in pointing out differences, maybe it's a bad sign?

I'm not sure if I'm right about that.

You did mostly get it. I meant apply these rules to everyone, not just NT or ASD people