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BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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22 Oct 2022, 3:38 pm

Doing much interspection, and looking at my feelings, I'm angry when I see families walk by at work. Especially boys with dads. They look so comfortable and secure. Didn't get me wrong, I'm glad they have what they need. But I'm in a place where neither parents are here (one by choice). And if I were on my feet and capable of thriving alone, it wouldn't hurt so bad. But I'm angry because my childhood was sabotaged to save the feelings of careless adults. Their denial of mental health cost me so much. And I don't know if it hurts more because of autism and the amplified consequences but I'm dealing with crippling rage. So my question is: is there validity in struggling more and processing fatherlessness, and developing independence because(at least in part) by undiagnosed ASD? My intentions are not to excuse lack of success, but I'm surrounded by people with very little tolerance for delayed success but offer little to no actually moral support. I love them, but I'm angry, i have had to figure this stuff out alone. I wanted a daddy so badly and he never showed up. Emotions aside, I'm just so lost as a man and as a human so I'm just praying for wisdom and the right questions or ask. I see men walk by younger than me and I think...."dad". Its so strange. And again its not a lot of crying, its mostly dry resentment. Like watching a family eat from outside their window. Can someone educate me on how autism may or may not effect my processing of these things? I'm eager to learn and be better



klanka
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22 Oct 2022, 4:14 pm

Did you try therapy?

There are a few vocal critics of therapy here, which is why I try to answer these questions.

There don't seem to be any vocal proponents of therapy here who can point to a real life experience where it was beneficial.... that I know of.

Soo it's good that you are praying, how long have you been praying about this issue?

I was whining in another thread about six years of prayer seemingly going unanswered but there are signs that something might change for me.

There was a therapy that was supposed to cure homosexuality where the therapist simply acted like a loving father to the patient for a few weeks or months.
I know you're not homosexual but I wonder if that would work? I assume that might be very difficult to get. As it's probably banned for it's original purpose right now.



DanielW
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22 Oct 2022, 4:29 pm

I can understand that feeling. My own father was absent from the scene before I was born. My whole childhood life, I was always waiting for my dad to come back and save me from my home-life at the time. The only time in my adult my life that I ever heard from hime was in a letter demanding money (evidently he had heard that I was making good money at the time). That was all it took for me to be glad I never knew him.

I struggled for a long time to try and find a kind of surrogate or mentor to fill what felt like a hole in my being. Eventually, I did find a very good friend that I felt safe confiding those feelings I had to him. Luckily for me it worked out fairly well, I can now at least feel that that hole is well patched if not exactly healed.

You might be able to get those needs met as well. Therapy might help. Finding a mentor might as well. Both of those things helped me. So did being throughly disillusioned by my own father.



BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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22 Oct 2022, 6:52 pm

klanka wrote:
Did you try therapy?

There are a few vocal critics of therapy here, which is why I try to answer these questions.

There don't seem to be any vocal proponents of therapy here who can point to a real life experience where it was beneficial.... that I know of.

Soo it's good that you are praying, how long have you been praying about this issue?

I was whining in another thread about six years of prayer seemingly going unanswered but there are signs that something might change for me.

There was a therapy that was supposed to cure homosexuality where the therapist simply acted like a loving father to the patient for a few weeks or months.
I know you're not homosexual but I wonder if that would work? I assume that might be very difficult to get. As it's probably banned for it's original purpose right now.


That sort of "role play" sounds very beneficial and id be the first to sign uo if not for the fact that the therapist may or may not actually have his heart it in it because its his job. What's that called??



BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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22 Oct 2022, 6:58 pm

DanielW wrote:
I can understand that feeling. My own father was absent from the scene before I was born. My whole childhood life, I was always waiting for my dad to come back and save me from my home-life at the time. The only time in my adult my life that I ever heard from hime was in a letter demanding money (evidently he had heard that I was making good money at the time). That was all it took for me to be glad I never knew him.

I struggled for a long time to try and find a kind of surrogate or mentor to fill what felt like a hole in my being. Eventually, I did find a very good friend that I felt safe confiding those feelings I had to him. Luckily for me it worked out fairly well, I can now at least feel that that hole is well patched if not exactly healed.

You might be able to get those needs met as well. Therapy might help. Finding a mentor might as well. Both of those things helped me. So did being throughly disillusioned by my own father.

Wow it actually happened for you. That great. I can imagine how it would even feel. I'm growing tired of therapy, though the therapist is really trying, its just the same conversation "let's do your questionnaire" and "what's making you anxious?"...I'm like so tired of the circles.



DanielW
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23 Oct 2022, 8:18 am

I've gone through a lot of bad therapists (Ive had as many as I am years old) but my last one was amazing. He actually taught me a lot...in the literal sense. He taught me how to tie my shoes. That embarrasses me to admit, but its something I never really got the hang of. I think that started it for me. I felt like I could really trust him enough to be honest about all of the things I was feeling. He never made me feel worse, or ashamed or guilty about missing out on childhood experiences, or my really poor emotional regulation issues...things like that. His general attitude was that it was OK to start where you're at, and to feel what I was feeling and that sort of thing. A lot of therapists simply don't know how to work with that kind of trauma, those deficits. When you couple that with autism, traditional therapies don't really work very well. Once I started getting what I needed, or learning how to get what I needed. things started getting better.



Autistalien777
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23 Oct 2022, 3:58 pm

Autistic alien souls are angry and disgusted with human beings because of their general dysfunctional / careless ways. Anger is not a negative thing. It is simply a side effect of caring too much about things that are important. This is the functional and natural state to be in. It means you are still alive. You are still reacting to the world around you. You authentically and genuinely CARE about IMPORTANT things that others have become desensitized to…., this is why you cannot stand humans and their general lack of geniune care about the things that really matter. I can relate to you. The word AUTistIC comes from the word AUThentIC, honour that. You are authentic / autistic and caring, thats ONLY a good thing. It means that you are alive…. And it means that you CARE. Those are the things the world needs in this dysfunctional mess. The world is a mess becausse it has to few people who actually authentically CARE about things anymore. People have been disconnected from their emotions and dont let it happen to you. NEVER EVER become indifferent like these humans. ANGER IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN INDIFFERENCE. Anger is always higher on the emotional scale than indifference. You are still alive. You still care. You have emotions. You are lucky to not have been destroyed and assimilated into a dysfunctional careless indifferent emotionless NPC human.

Anger is your alien autistic wisdom soul knocking at your door, saying that SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE HUMAN WORLD AND NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION. Trust it. Do not betray your inner alien autistic voice. It wants to bring something important to your attention. Something that ONLY YOU can see. Trust your feelings. DO NOT ALLOW GUILT to distract you from what your anger (alien wisdom) is trying to get your attention to. You need to trust your anger that tells you that something important needs your attention. You gave us some clues and let those clues bring you closer to the truth.

I'm angry when I see families walk by at work. Especially boys with dads. They look so comfortable and secure.“ THIS IS A CLUE. DIG DEEPER until you find the core of the issue. Let your anger guide you to identify the root problem. Trust the anger to guide your thoughts right…

UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER



BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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23 Oct 2022, 7:31 pm

DanielW wrote:
I've gone through a lot of bad therapists (Ive had as many as I am years old) but my last one was amazing. He actually taught me a lot...in the literal sense. He taught me how to tie my shoes. That embarrasses me to admit, but its something I never really got the hang of. I think that started it for me. I felt like I could really trust him enough to be honest about all of the things I was feeling. He never made me feel worse, or ashamed or guilty about missing out on childhood experiences, or my really poor emotional regulation issues...things like that. His general attitude was that it was OK to start where you're at, and to feel what I was feeling and that sort of thing. A lot of therapists simply don't know how to work with that kind of trauma, those deficits. When you couple that with autism, traditional therapies don't really work very well. Once I started getting what I needed, or learning how to get what I needed. things started getting better.

That's so great to know



BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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23 Oct 2022, 7:36 pm

Autistalien777 wrote:
Autistic alien souls are angry and disgusted with human beings because of their general dysfunctional / careless ways. Anger is not a negative thing. It is simply a side effect of caring too much about things that are important. This is the functional and natural state to be in. It means you are still alive. You are still reacting to the world around you. You authentically and genuinely CARE about IMPORTANT things that others have become desensitized to…., this is why you cannot stand humans and their general lack of geniune care about the things that really matter. I can relate to you. The word AUTistIC comes from the word AUThentIC, honour that. You are authentic / autistic and caring, thats ONLY a good thing. It means that you are alive…. And it means that you CARE. Those are the things the world needs in this dysfunctional mess. The world is a mess becausse it has to few people who actually authentically CARE about things anymore. People have been disconnected from their emotions and dont let it happen to you. NEVER EVER become indifferent like these humans. ANGER IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN INDIFFERENCE. Anger is always higher on the emotional scale than indifference. You are still alive. You still care. You have emotions. You are lucky to not have been destroyed and assimilated into a dysfunctional careless indifferent emotionless NPC human.

Anger is your alien autistic wisdom soul knocking at your door, saying that SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE HUMAN WORLD AND NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION. Trust it. Do not betray your inner alien autistic voice. It wants to bring something important to your attention. Something that ONLY YOU can see. Trust your feelings. DO NOT ALLOW GUILT to distract you from what your anger (alien wisdom) is trying to get your attention to. You need to trust your anger that tells you that something important needs your attention. You gave us some clues and let those clues bring you closer to the truth.

I'm angry when I see families walk by at work. Especially boys with dads. They look so comfortable and secure.“ THIS IS A CLUE. DIG DEEPER until you find the core of the issue. Let your anger guide you to identify the root problem. Trust the anger to guide your thoughts right…

UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER

I learned so much from that! I will trust my anger and keep digging. In a world that dismisses such feelings, you're right, I'm blessed to care



Autistalien777
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24 Oct 2022, 1:36 am

You surely are :)



autisticelders
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24 Oct 2022, 7:59 am

Therapy saved my life and my sanity. If the first therapist does not seem to "get" you , after giving it a try for a while, it is OK to move on. I had 3 therapists that only wanted to talk about "feelings" and nothing else, then I found the 4th, who actually could reach me and teach me all the things I needed to know to live a healthier and happier life. There are specialists who deal in anger issues, and it seems you already have good self understanding about the root of your own anger. I learned so much from my therapist that I had never got from the years of sick family dynamics growing up. It is great to get a lot of new tools to "do life" with after thinking there was only one way I could respond to any situation. I learned I could choose healthier situations, healthier companions, healthier communication. Each of us will need different things, but I think being autistic puts us at a disadvantage because of rigid thinking. It took an outsider to point out that I had alternatives to choose besides the things I thought were "rules" in life. Lots of emotional homework over a couple of years (scary, so scary to begin with especially there at the first) but looking back 40 years later I think getting therapy/counseling was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. Back then nobody knew I was autistic, but the therapist was still able to reach me, to teach me, and it did help. Don't be afraid to try to find new ways to "do life". therapy can help with that!! !!


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BreathlessJade
Deinonychus
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24 Oct 2022, 11:53 am

autisticelders wrote:
Therapy saved my life and my sanity. If the first therapist does not seem to "get" you , after giving it a try for a while, it is OK to move on. I had 3 therapists that only wanted to talk about "feelings" and nothing else, then I found the 4th, who actually could reach me and teach me all the things I needed to know to live a healthier and happier life. There are specialists who deal in anger issues, and it seems you already have good self understanding about the root of your own anger. I learned so much from my therapist that I had never got from the years of sick family dynamics growing up. It is great to get a lot of new tools to "do life" with after thinking there was only one way I could respond to any situation. I learned I could choose healthier situations, healthier companions, healthier communication. Each of us will need different things, but I think being autistic puts us at a disadvantage because of rigid thinking. It took an outsider to point out that I had alternatives to choose besides the things I thought were "rules" in life. Lots of emotional homework over a couple of years (scary, so scary to begin with especially there at the first) but looking back 40 years later I think getting therapy/counseling was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. Back then nobody knew I was autistic, but the therapist was still able to reach me, to teach me, and it did help. Don't be afraid to try to find new ways to "do life". therapy can help with that!! ! !

Right you are! And I'm currently undiagnosed so I don't technically count in their eyes so it makes it even harder to both trust and effectively communicate. I'm always on the defense of manipulation or downplaying my experience.