What made you anxious today?

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Effing Microsoft Excel. Hard. All the way.

Work-related assignment--data analysis.
(Hah. Asking a grammar geek/English fanatic to analyze and recalibrate massive tables of numbers... Yeah--THAT would never end in tears and mass destruction.)

After an excruciating amount of work and multiple pointers from my very patient boss--I saved the file (I did! I SWEAR I did actually save it!)

And it scrambled itself and 95% of the data utterly VANISHED from existence--the next time I opened the file, all that was left was a garbled mess.

(Literally escaped the office under the guise of doing an errand so I could go drive a few blocks away and cry in my car before coming back with some semblance of composure.)

Then had to basically tell/show my boss that "the computer ate my homework" and everything went POOF. She had me just pull all the raw data from the system again and send the file over to her. (I think it was her polite, NT version of saying, "F**k it, I'll just do it myself.")

I'm incredibly lucky that my current bosses are kind people, but today I kinda feel like the kid who's not allowed to wash the dishes anymore because she just dropped one too many of them on the floor.

Did I mention that I hate MS Excel????

An agoraphobia attack in public.

Oh, do I have an Excel-related anxiety story!

I'll have to see about composing my thoughts well enough to write it.

Darron

The great cinnamon chai tea hunt of 2022.
The stupid papers which still aren't done.
My mother.
Melissa.
My blood pressure.
The bruising I got from my massager.
Bills.
Too much to do.

Spending too much money on Christmas presents.

The kid supervisor at work talking to me like s**t.

A giant snowball.

A death in the extended family.

Visual hallucinations

The air hurt my eyeballs.

Humans. Humans. And more humans.


They're always the source of all my anxiety and pain.

I had a strange dream last night that I think is a subtle warning from my body that I will be sick in another day or so with the flu or covid. And then I won't be able to go home for Christmas and be quarantined for at least two weeks. Or worse, I'll end up hospitalized and shoved into an iron lung or something. Iron lungs terrify me. Being trapped in a steel cylinder that keeps you breathing because your lungs don't work anymore. Sounds worse than death. I don't know if it would be permanent, but it will feel that way. When I was younger I used to think only heavy smokers ended up in such things, and I don't smoke. I know they once used them for polio victims and of course that's coming back, too.

Empathy for others.
Social and sensory anxiety about the funeral.
Then, the 12-person meal.
The Chronicles of Mel.
"" "" of MR.
"" "" of Me.
Vulnerability and shame.
Lack of sleep.
Money.
Flashbacks about my dad.
I lost Scrabble.
In short, same old same old.

Oh wait I forgot shame went on vacay with depression.
I'm pretty sure they'll be back by morning, though.

Hearing people cough while I was down at the shopping plaza to buy some milk. At least *I* had the sense to wear a mask.

It sure would be nice to go out and not have to worry about getting a debilitating, life threatening disease. But the news reported about the epidemic of avian flu that's killing all the local birds and will "probably" spread to humans. Which is strange because I first read about people finding hundreds of seagulls dead of bird flu in the summer, and then I didn't hear anything about it at all for months and now suddenly they mention it again. Is there any real reason to go on living in this world?

An unexpected, weepy apology from my mum. I froze and didn’t know what to say or do.

My mom accused me of being lazy because I didn't put my clothes in the dryer.