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climategeek
Blue Jay
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Joined: 15 Aug 2015
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Location: NYC

05 Nov 2022, 2:13 pm

My name is Andi, I’m non-bianry, and like the title suggests, I’m 31 and I have never been in a romantic relationship before.

But don’t get me wrong, I have dated before, but it never it evolved into relationships.

I also have numerous female friends, and yes I’ve asked a lot of them out, but all the answers I received were the same that either they don’t want to date or they are already dating someone, but when they need help with anything, I’m always there for them. Whenever they ask me for money I give it to them. I’ve never turned a friend in need away, but because of my good nature I constantly find myself being used. Lately I steeled myself in order to not be taken advantage of, but I still find it really hard to not help someone in need.

For example, recently I was introduced to this lovely woman, or someone who I thought was lovely when I first met them. On the outside it seem like everything was gonna work out and I finally found the woman of my dreams, but I started having doubts as nothing usually works out for me.

And my doubts were confirmed when she started asking me for money. I knew of her situation so I didn’t hesitate at first to give her money but when she started asking for bigger and higher amounts and was constantly changing her plans on me, I began taking screenshots of how she was constantly asking me for money, screenshots of me giving her the money through Zelle and then making predictions that if I tell her that I don’t have any money she will rub in my face that she’s dating a rich guy.

All my friends were like dude she’s using you, dump her.

I also message hundreds of people on dating sites with matches, and they never reply to me, even though my introductions were based on their interests from their profiles.

I have not got on a single date in years with anyone from dating sites, despite matching and messaging hundreds of profiles.

If I’m so eager to help and if I’m so kind and generous why can’t I get into a relationship?

I’ve not fully given up on getting into a relationship, but to most people my situation does seem really depressing.

Any advice? Is anyone in NYC single or looking to date?



malco
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 23 Apr 2022
Age: 69
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Location: New Zealand

05 Nov 2022, 2:55 pm

I was single until I was in my mid-40s (and at the time I didn't realize it) actually happier than I've been since. If you are on the spectrum (ASD) like me, you may be better off being single. Living with someone else and all their quirks can be a nightmare and you may not find out until it's too late. For a variety of reasons (not the least of which is the promises/vows I made to her on my wedding day) I am still married but far from happy. My biggest mistake was fantasising about her through email and phone calls. Turns out she is a hoarder and my once tidy and easy-to-clean home has become a hell to live in. In fact I now spend most of time in my man-cave pursuing my hobbies. She is impossible to discuss things with; we are on quite different intellectual planes and "discussions" about most subjects descend into Q&A sessions punctuated by ad-hominem attacks over disagreements. She is also highly dependent medically-speaking (enough said). One of my better decisions was to not open a joint bank account which meant I kept control of my money - important for being able to pay the bills.
My advice: run in the opposite direction from anyone asking you for money. My life has been a lot like yours; people often come to me expecting me to solve their problems (mainly technical) for them when all I want to do is pursue my own interests (I fix everything around home and am highly independent). I discovered that people (NTs) are quick to spot weaknesses in others and that includes a willingness to "help" when the goal is to suck you dry and use you.



nick007
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05 Nov 2022, 6:18 pm

If you like helping people OP, perhaps you would have better luck seeking out women who could use long term non-financial help. Like a woman with some medical issues &/or mental issues that normal guys would be put off by. Like you OP I really want to help & support my romantic partner however I can & I've been taken advantage of by friends in the past. But unlike you I never had much money to spend on others due to having various mental & physical distillates besides autism. I'm not non-bianry but I do not conform to the stereotypical male guy. I struggled majorly to get romantic relationships & I believe that not being independent is huge reason why but think me not conforming to other guys is also a factor. Since I could not provide financial support, I sought out women who needed emotional support & understanding & acceptance instead of money. I do not go about providing emotional support in the typical NT way thou, I'm much more direct & straightforward but I really try. My current girlfriend has various issues she's dealing with & we both find each other to be a lot more accepting & understanding than anyone else has been. Some things about her that would put lots of guys off don't bother me & lots of things about me that would put most women off don't bother her when she's in a better mood. She does not conform to the female gender in some ways & likes to joke that she's 51% male & I'm 51% female. We've been living together 10 years now & would be married but it would screw up her benefits. Our relationships is NOT always easy for either of us but we have each other's back & both really try.

Like malco said, it may be best for you to avoid a relationship with anyone asking for money. It's one thing to spend some money on a date doing something together but don't offer to give money or spend money on her in other ways unless you've been together for a bit & it's a special occasion. If you have a bit of money you could try seeking out women who are very poor & wanting to be housewives but be upfront about wanting that & that you will not give out money to someone you don't really know & haven't been with for very long, & if you do get married it may be good to get them to sign a prenup. This does work well for some guys who pursue the mail-order bride route or International Dating for those of you who find the term offensive but you have to be cautious about it.


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Eurythmic
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06 Nov 2022, 12:01 am

You sound like an absolute simp climategeek.

Don't give people money.
They aren't your family.
They aren't your partner.
Learn the power of the word "no" and use it.

Dating sites are absolute BS. Time wasters, people who are on there but don't "have time to meet up", shitfests whose lives are a mess and want you to swoop in in "save them". Seriously mate, keep your cash in your pocket and your head up. When you meet a decent partner you can spend your money on them then.



Minuteman
Pileated woodpecker
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06 Nov 2022, 10:44 am

Eurythmic wrote:
Dating sites are absolute BS. Time wasters, people who are on there but don't "have time to meet up", shitfests whose lives are a mess and want you to swoop in in "save them". Seriously mate, keep your cash in your pocket and your head up. When you meet a decent partner you can spend your money on them then.


The plus side of dating sites -- they've seen your profile so you know there's already some interest there. If you're someone who has trouble picking up on social cues, this gets some of the awkwardness out of the way.

And I agree with the others -- don't spend more than the cost of a moderately priced meal or movie tickets until you REALLY get to know them.



blitzkrieg
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06 Nov 2022, 8:58 pm

Eurythmic wrote:
You sound like an absolute simp climategeek.

Don't give people money.
They aren't your family.
They aren't your partner.
Learn the power of the word "no" and use it.

Dating sites are absolute BS. Time wasters, people who are on there but don't "have time to meet up", shitfests whose lives are a mess and want you to swoop in in "save them". Seriously mate, keep your cash in your pocket and your head up. When you meet a decent partner you can spend your money on them then.


You used the world "simp" - I just thought I'd inform you, that gave me a :lol:



SportsGamer35728
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07 Nov 2022, 10:56 pm

nick007 wrote:
If you like helping people OP, perhaps you would have better luck seeking out women who could use long term non-financial help. Like a woman with some medical issues &/or mental issues that normal guys would be put off by. Like you OP I really want to help & support my romantic partner however I can & I've been taken advantage of by friends in the past. But unlike you I never had much money to spend on others due to having various mental & physical distillates besides autism. I'm not non-bianry but I do not conform to the stereotypical male guy. I struggled majorly to get romantic relationships & I believe that not being independent is huge reason why but think me not conforming to other guys is also a factor. Since I could not provide financial support, I sought out women who needed emotional support & understanding & acceptance instead of money. I do not go about providing emotional support in the typical NT way thou, I'm much more direct & straightforward but I really try. My current girlfriend has various issues she's dealing with & we both find each other to be a lot more accepting & understanding than anyone else has been. Some things about her that would put lots of guys off don't bother me & lots of things about me that would put most women off don't bother her when she's in a better mood. She does not conform to the female gender in some ways & likes to joke that she's 51% male & I'm 51% female. We've been living together 10 years now & would be married but it would screw up her benefits. Our relationships is NOT always easy for either of us but we have each other's back & both really try.

Like malco said, it may be best for you to avoid a relationship with anyone asking for money. It's one thing to spend some money on a date doing something together but don't offer to give money or spend money on her in other ways unless you've been together for a bit & it's a special occasion. If you have a bit of money you could try seeking out women who are very poor & wanting to be housewives but be upfront about wanting that & that you will not give out money to someone you don't really know & haven't been with for very long, & if you do get married it may be good to get them to sign a prenup. This does work well for some guys who pursue the mail-order bride route or International Dating for those of you who find the term offensive but you have to be cautious about it.

Any advice for us that don't want to be seen as a target for gold-diggers while at the same time not wanting to look undesirable to women who financially have their sh*t together?



goldfish21
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08 Nov 2022, 2:46 am

climategeek wrote:
If I’m so eager to help and if I’m so kind and generous why can’t I get into a relationship?


This is why. You get friend zoned pretty quickly.

Everyone wants what they can't have.. which is why those who play "hard to get," have more success.

Also, you mentioned messaging hundreds of profiles.. wrong approach. Instead, work on making yourself And your profile more attractive so that You have people messaging You. You can't "find," love or a date - it's not lost. You have to attract those things/people into your life by becoming attractive to them.


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RetroGamer87
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08 Nov 2022, 10:54 pm

Before you start chasing after relationships you should work on perfecting your solitude


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