Griff wrote:
Hah! I spent most of my secondary education completely convinced that everyone in the room was constantly plotting against me, and I was completely convinced that my entire life was some joke at my expense. I'm speaking literally here. I thought that everyone around me carefully plotted the course of my day and manipulated my emotions. Later, I thought that I was some mental patient, and everyone was keeping up an elaborate pretense to prevent me from realizing it, kinda like some Truman Show thing (Yeah, I liked that movie. So sue me, I can relate). If my folks had realized just how screwed-up I was, there is no doubt in my mind they would have had me commited. I was walking through a half-dream until just a few years ago.
Yes! It has been the same with me. All my life I had these illusionary ideas that maybe people were laughing at me behind my back. If someone made a remark that could be interpreted as sarcastic, I automatically assumed that this was the case, while probably it was just meant well. When people smiled at me, I took it as ridiculing, while probably (in 75% of all cases) it was only meant to cheer me on, or to be friendly, or something like that.
I also had a major psychosis once, when I was 25. I was dating a woman who (as it turned out) was a professional "love scammer" who stripped men of their money. She was originally from Russia, but was brought to Holland (my country) by the man she married. He was a very rich engineer (who was 30 years older than she), and she often told me how she thought him so "manly" because he always bought her expensive clothes, jewelry, etc., constantly comparing me to him and calling me a greedy bastard if I didn't buy her enough stuff. After they divorced, she started seeing another rich dude (who was 20 years older, and who owned a large apartment in the center of Amsterdam, which is extremely expensive). She told me how docile and servile he always was, and how he did everything she asked.
After a few such relationships, this woman chose me for her next victim. Not that I'm rich, which obviously I'm not, but she did it anyway. And after some time she had such an influence over me, that I also did everything she asked. I bought her expensive clothes, and I even payed her rent. She had me sign her rent contract, in order to make me liable. She was often abusive, partly because of her alcoholism and "substance abuse". My parents and family tried everything in their power to get me out of that relationship, but this woman had such a witch-like influence over me that I became psychotic -- literally so, as I was later officially diagnosed with psychosis. In the end, I managed somehow to get out of that disastrous relationship (how that went, is a different story which maybe I shouldn't write down here).
That's my story about psychosis. Sorry about the long post. It's kind of a relief to be able to commit this to writing, because it still bothers me so much (after three years even). By the way, I still take antipsychotic medicine (olanzapine, 5 mg a day).
11 Aug 2007, 11:08 pm
Kind of boring compared to yours, of course. 
