Identifying How close a friend/acquantence is

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How do you tell if someone is a just-talk-about-the-weather kind of friend or a friend that you can say anything you're thinking? How do you handle those in the middle? I'll be 50 in the spring and feel like this is something I should have learned a long time ago, but I still find myself either trusting people too much or not enough. It's like I can't tell who my real friends are. Why does this have to be so hard?! ! I'm wondering if it's even worth all the effort.

Thanks in advance for all the input. I'm very hopeful about this conversation.

Friendship has multiple dimensions/ingredients. It might be helpful to evaluate the depth of each of these dimensions separately, rather than trying to evaluate the level of "friendship" as a single undifferentiated blob.

Different people have different ways of categorizing the dimensions of friendship. Personally, I like to think of friendship as having at least three of the following four foundations:

1) Companionship: Enjoying each other's company. Having fun together. This involves both liking each other personally and having common interests or activities that you both enjoy doing or talking about together. A shared sense of humor also helps.

2) Emotional intimacy: Being able to confide in each other. Feeling free to "be oneself" with each other.

3) Comradeship: Facing common challenges together. Working together towards common goals.

4) Doing favors for each other.

Each of these four foundations of friendship can exist independently of any of the others. In my opinion, a full-fledged "friendship" does not need to have all four of them, but should have at least three of them.

Judging by the way you phrased your question ("a just-talk-about-the-weather kind of friend or a friend that you can say anything you're thinking"), it sounds like your main concern is with the level of emotional intimacy. Is that correct?

Emotional intimacy depends a lot on the circumstances under which you met someone, in the first place. For example, if you met someone at a support group, you automatically have a much higher level of emotional intimacy with that person, from the get-go, than you would typically have with someone whom you met on the job. Indeed, it's generally best to avoid -- or, at least, proceed very slowly with -- emotional intimacy with anyone whom one knows in a work-related capacity.

No matter how you met someone, it's possible for emotional intimacy to grow, but generally it is safest to let it grow slowly.

(For more about the foundations of friendship, see my blog post The ingredients of friendship and the Wrong Planet thread Thoughts about friendship.)

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I haven't had time to check in here. Yes, emotional intimacy. The person you trust with your life details, knowing they won't go blabbing it to anyone else. I have treated ladies like friends and trusted them when they are NOT, in fact, my friends. They are simply people I know. I wish I had know that before trusting them. How do you know if they can be trusted? My actual friend just doesn't trust anyone until they prove themselves. That may be a smart way to go, but it's not my natural way to respond. I naturally trust first, then get hurt and shut everyone associated with the group off. I didn't go to the weekly meet-up today because of it. I will let them think it's because I got hurt sledding last weekend, but I could have been ok with the pain and managed it by moving around.

I would suggest that, until you know someone well, you find ways to cultivate other dimensions of friendship besides emotional intimacy. For example, if you happen have a hobby in common, that can give you a lot to talk about that isn't just small talk, but isn't emotionally intimate either.


What general kind of group is this?

This is a wonderful idea! I just don't think about it. I guess I'm too caught up in the figuring out if the friend is a true trustworthy friend or not.



It's a church group.

Thank you so much for the idea! I love it! (I hope I did the quote stuff right!)