Do you trigger people but you don't know why?

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old_comedywriter
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23 Nov 2022, 5:19 pm

I've found that people with Asperger's easily trigger people who are bipolar.
It's a dangerous combination.


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 7:35 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
For a start, I've noticed people in the U.K. tend to avoid eye contact very often, not just on the streets or on the bus among strangers, but also face to face ..

Emotional suppression can occasionally have an upside. Take the so-called Blitz Spirit: showing stoicism and determination to carry on in the face of difficult situations, such the aftermath of the 7/7 bombings in London. Emotions can be contagious; expressing panic and distress in a context like this could be disastrous. If we see others just gritting their teeth and getting on with things, it can leave us feeling encouraged instead. Social support is known to be a buffer against mental illness.[/i]

Me, I feel reasonably healthy with regard to knowing and expressing my emotions. I usually notice them, and when I hide them I think there's usually a good reason.

I do this thing to express my emotions, where I briefly appear to slightly fly off the handle at the slightest frustration, so I might growl or come out with a minor expletive in a slightly raised and animated voice, and come out with a bit of exaggerated sarcasm about the situation, rather than bottle it and risk building up internal pressure. It works for me, but I've noticed people can take it too seriously and start trying to help me as if I've seriously cried for help. In a way it's my own fault for overblowing my annoyance at obstacles to my perfect comfort, but it's very cathartic, and in theory I can always explain to others that I wasn't really being serious.


Yes, it is good to suppress emotions in that sort of situation like the Blitz, but we do need to unleash them eventually or we will fry our brains.

I'm glad you know and express your emotions healthily, that's unusual for British people as far as I know.

It's quite ironic about your 'flying off the handle at the slightest frustration' trait. I often do that...but people run for the hills when I do! They can't take it and so they quickly move away, often not speaking to me again.

They can't handle emotions, it seems. They want everyone to be calm 24/7 8O


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 7:41 am

Gammeldans wrote:
My first thought was that you don't exactly bring up easy subjects.

You wrote that you wanted to discuss "how religion causes wars and division between people". This could mean that people think that you are a person who want to talk about how bad religion is. People can think that you want to ridicule people who have certain believes.
Also, I don't buy into what you wrote about wars. I think you are simplifying a lot...but that is not our topic right now.


I suppose so...but I don't lead with these subjects. I don't meet someone for the first time and start talking about religion or politics. I've known these people for some time, I only go into deep subjects after I know a person, or it would be very weird. 'Hi total stranger, I want to talk about religion or politics.' haha.

I presume you don't mean the comments about the lady having a baby or the lady looking nice in her jacket are difficult subjects.

Obviously, I can't type out the whole conversations I had with these people, that would be far too long and boring for this thread, and I can't even remember the whole conversations as they were years ago. So I did simplify and summarise to make my point.

I'm more wondering how it is that I manage to somehow sense the exact topic that will most annoy a person. Is it some kind of telepathy? Or sensing a mood? It is really weird how it happens. It's like this awful knack I've got that I never wanted...


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 7:45 am

Caz72 wrote:
yes and even afterwards i still dont understand why they are so offended

at work last week a coworker said he worked for the company a very long time so gets extra holiday days to take

i said "is that why your always on holiday " and he took offense and said he isnt always on holiday

umm but he does always seem to be on holiday like every month he has a week off


Ah you have hit the nail on the head. That is EXACTLY my situation. I often find people are offended with me and I often never find out why. Even if I find out what comment annoyed them, it's usually something that is obvious or true, like you said to your colleague. Or sometimes it's a joke that they didn't understand. Or most usually, they misunderstood and I meant A when they thought I meant B. Or sometimes it's a comment I said when I was upset and angry, and they didn't take that into account, they thought I was calm. Or sometimes it was a fleeting thought that went through my head and out of my mouth, and they thought it was a longstanding, deep belief of mine when it wasn't.

Actually there's a lot of different reasons isn't there! :lol:


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 7:46 am

old_comedywriter wrote:
I've found that people with Asperger's easily trigger people who are bipolar.
It's a dangerous combination.


I wonder if I know a lot of bipolar people then? Or perhaps more people these days are bipolar.

I'm sure my mum is bipolar so I always triggered her, but I don't talk to her anymore.


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 8:33 am

It just occurred to me what my 'problem' is. I just point out uncomfortable truths, that people don't want to hear. I seem to have a knack for that and can't help it.

Maybe all autistic people do this: see the truths and say what they are.

Maybe I can train myself to point out nice truths about people or situations? I could work on that.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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24 Nov 2022, 9:03 am

old_comedywriter wrote:
I've found that people with Asperger's easily trigger people who are bipolar.
It's a dangerous combination.

And vice versa, in my experience.


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Caz72
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24 Nov 2022, 9:20 am

i just dont get people
some people are thick skinned but even THEY sometimes get offended by stupid little things but can withstand a big argument or telling off like from the boss or something or a rude comment but then when an autistic person like me comes along and says something not even remotely offensive or intimidating and they get all sensitive about that

i dont get people.


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KitLily
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24 Nov 2022, 10:28 am

Caz72 wrote:
i just dont get people
some people are thick skinned but even THEY sometimes get offended by stupid little things but can withstand a big argument or telling off like from the boss or something or a rude comment but then when an autistic person like me comes along and says something not even remotely offensive or intimidating and they get all sensitive about that

i dont get people.


Yes, it's weird isn't it. Maybe it's the way we say it? I dunno. No idea.

I'm fed up with them though. I'm too old to keep censoring myself. People think I'm too blunt...but I've been censoring myself and trying to be tactful up til now! I'm not going to do that anymore, they'd better watch out. :lol:


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Caz72
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24 Nov 2022, 10:55 am

it seems that some autistics know these subtle social rules or have learnt them but im 50 and still am unable to learn from my mistakes


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25 Nov 2022, 3:43 am

Make sure brain is engaged before putting mouth into gear.

Assuming that a lady is pregnant is never a good idea. And saying that you notice that she is putting on weight in some bodily area (for any reason) is also not a good idea.

So THAT one is a no brainer.

The rest...I dunno...feel the person out first before launching into your opinions.

If you had said "where did you get that jacket?"it would have enabled her to say "its my husband's old leather jacket". Which would enable you to say "well...despite it being old, and be a man's jacket, it looks good on you".



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25 Nov 2022, 10:58 am

Caz72 wrote:
it seems that some autistics know these subtle social rules or have learnt them but im 50 and still am unable to learn from my mistakes


I don't understand why we are advised to be direct and clear in our communication (by communication experts) but in reality, people don't like it. They prefer for us to go round the houses and not get to the point. At least they do in England.

So I shall continue being direct and clear :shrug:


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KitLily
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25 Nov 2022, 11:03 am

naturalplastic wrote:
Make sure brain is engaged before putting mouth into gear.

Assuming that a lady is pregnant is never a good idea. And saying that you notice that she is putting on weight in some bodily area (for any reason) is also not a good idea.

So THAT one is a no brainer.

The rest...I dunno...feel the person out first before launching into your opinions.

If you had said "where did you get that jacket?"it would have enabled her to say "its my husband's old leather jacket". Which would enable you to say "well...despite it being old, and be a man's jacket, it looks good on you".


It's not a no brainer though. I have also been asked if I was pregnant and just laughed it off. I had known this lady for years. She had a little child and people usually have another child 2 or 3 years later. I was very excited to think she might be having another. I hoped she was having the lovely experience of having another baby.

There was another woman there who said afterwards, 'it's hard to know what people like her think because they never show any emotion.' She didn't think I'd done the wrong thing.

So I'm putting that down to enthusiasm and kindheartedness. It wasn't rudeness or nastiness. I didn't say 'oi, you're looking chubby! Who ate all the pies, fatso?'

And the one with the jacket, FFS. Take the compliment! We don't get many compliments in life so quit while you're ahead! Jeez.

I think you are correct about 'feeling a person out before launching into my opinion' though when it comes to politics/religion etc. Big subjects like that.

However, I'm tired of holding back really. From now on, people will get my opinion and comments FULL THROTTLE. And wish they could have the old, polite me back again :lol:


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04 Dec 2022, 7:33 pm

Sounds like most the examples you described are quite normal. We're not mind-readers so we don't always know what triggers some people until it happens. Most adults talk about politics and have their own opinions, so you're not to know whether the other person has another religious belief that may contradict your beliefs or opinions unless they have said so. I'd have thought that part of TOM skills is knowing that other people can't read your mind so I don't think what you've said is anything to do with social awkwardness. Everybody has their own triggers that differ from other's. How are you supposed to know what triggers who unless you know them really well?
I don't say things that trigger other people unless I didn't know it would, for example years ago when I was at my voluntary job I had learnt how to do something to do with the work on the computer. I felt proud when they kept asking me to do it, so I assumed I was the only volunteer who knew how to do it and I said so. But one of the other volunteers looked annoyed and said that she knew how to do the computer thing for ages. But really I didn't know anyone else knew how to do the computer thing, otherwise I wouldn't have said it. This is a common mistake anyone can make.


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04 Dec 2022, 8:33 pm

Someone triggered me very badly and I needed someone to turn to for support.
I talked to another friend about my freak-out, since he was always good about discussing trauma.

Turns out I triggered Friend #2 with my trigger, and he couldn't get over it himself.
It took months for him to tell me.
He's still triggered, because I shared my trigger about my other friend's trigger.

This is called secondary trauma.
It's a vicious circle.

What I've learned is that I can't talk to friends EVER, about my trauma.
It's counterintuitive because therapists tell me to speak to people I trust.

I don't trust anyone anymore, because if I confide in people they disappear.

I'll have to learn the art of superficial small talk and how to ignore my PTSD.



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05 Dec 2022, 7:21 am

Joe90 wrote:
Sounds like most the examples you described are quite normal. We're not mind-readers so we don't always know what triggers some people until it happens. Most adults talk about politics and have their own opinions, so you're not to know whether the other person has another religious belief that may contradict your beliefs or opinions unless they have said so. I'd have thought that part of TOM skills is knowing that other people can't read your mind so I don't think what you've said is anything to do with social awkwardness.


That is very reassuring, thanks.

It just seems to happen every time I open my mouth, that's why I asked. I seem to be able to hit the exact subject that triggers every person with laser accuracy. I just wondered why. I suppose I see through them or something :shrug: I often seem to see right through people's shields/barriers to their real selves :?

What are TOM skills?


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