I think my girlfried is ASD and I'm NT and need advice

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Sorry, I'm too tired to read through all the comments, but what you describe is her letting her mask down and allowing you to see the real her because she's now comfortable enough with you to trust you with her true self.

That's an honour in autism circles.

Now, you may feel cheated, thinking she was acting to ensnare you and now she's got you she's stopped making an effort, but society tells us that people won't like us unless we follow certain rules. We try our best, but it's a lot of effort and we burn out. It's complicated. People hate us for who we are, so we try our best to adapt, but we get tired because that's not who we are and we can't be "on" all the time.

She's got into comfortable territory with you which is something a lot of us long for. I'm sorry that this isn't as equally comfortable for you.

Comfortable is ultimate bliss. It's where you feel safe and happy and warm and trusting.

Having sex 3-4 times a week is not bad. I don't think just changing her for an NT model would improve things.

Not trusting - I don't know what she did exactly except of going to walmart wearing a make up but engaging in cheating behaviour requires a lot of social skills, even more than finding an actual partner and for that reason I'd exclude it.

I can however see you are not happy with her and you need to come to terms with it somehow.

Here is the crux of what I need help with:
I am the original poster here and put together a list of things my ASD girlfriend does that is a struggle for me being NT.
Here is the dilemma:
If these behaviors I mentioned bother me but I know she has ASD then do I just excuse them, as frustrating as they are? Or do I point them out to her and ask to work on them? sometimes I feel that is futile because if I bring up any issues she just shuts down and becomes quiet and acts like I'm bothering her or criticizing her (even though I'm super nice and cool the way I explain it). She sometimes has meltdown if I bring anything up and will tell me she's overwhelmed etc. It's really hard to have a normal "issue" conversations with her. And when we do I just feel more frustrated because she shuts down. I need emotional comforting and reassurance and a willingness to work thing our and I don't get those.

Yes, i think you have it here. I think she "masked" with me a lot at the beginning to get me interested and attracted. Then as time went on and we became BF and GF she felt really comfortable with me and she stopped masking a lot of the time. That was a shock to my system and the non-masking behavior came off as disinterested, odd, indifferent, in her own world, etc etc. I guess I just have to get used to the lack of mental engagement and just realize she is ASD and not disinterested in me?

I think that first of all it is important that she knows that she is SAD and that you know about it. That should be a different context from a situation when she doesn't know. Because if you both know then it's much more easier for you to work things out.

I think it's important to know that if we mask we don't typically do it to get someone "interested and attracted". That sounds like you're thinking about it as being manipulative and that isn't what it is at all. As many of us, in our attempts to socialize, have experienced being bullied, ridiculed, and ostracized by our peers for our differences. So we either adapt and mimic the behaviors of others around us and hide our autistic traits out of fear and shame or we build a tendency toward avoidance. Of course, it's a spectrum and everyone is different, but females on the spectrum not only tend to be more social but we also recognize the "social rules" more easily. We may not fully (or even partially) understand them all, but we usually learned these rules from a young age due to the treatment we received from others, typically other females, whether it be classmates, friends, or family.

Like your GF, I can find it difficult to engage with others. Well, I don't know if 'difficult' is the right word. It really depends on the person. I mean I can, but I don't feel compelled to if I don't want to. I may enjoy their company but I don't need to be talking or doing something with them all the time. At the beginning of a relationship, there is definitely more of the drive to spend lots of time with them (I think that's common for many relationships). But if I feel do feel compelled because another person is putting pressure on me, then I get highly stressed out. For instance, I had an ex that complained about me not engaging him in conversation enough. Over the course of weeks, I literally spent several hours every night I wasn't with him researching "how to be engaging", different conversation topics, and so forth. But in the end, it just made me so stressed that I still couldn't converse with him the way he wanted to. I ended up feeling so much pressure that I would shut down around him. I mean I liked talking to him, but I wanted it to come naturally and our communication styles were obviously just very different. Plus he lived an hour away and because of our schedules, I would most often see him after I was done work, which was in the evening. So when I got to his place I was usually tired and burned out. All I would want to do was relax. Watch some Netflix, play some games, munch out, have sex, and cuddle. Not necessarily in that order but you get the idea. But he would often immediately want to talk and dive right into these deep conversations that my mind just wasn't in the state for. I get you and your GF live together so the situation is different, but she might require more "me time" than you do.

Another ex accused me of not caring about his passion for woodworking because I didn't seem interested when he spoke about it. He took that as me not caring about him. Which is quite an NT thing to do. I asked him why he thought I didn't care. He said I looked "bored" with no expression on my face and that my eyes "glazed over". I have no idea how my eyes glazed over but I can't really help my lack of facial expression half of the time. I may not have shared in his excitement but I was listening to him and I was mentally engaged. In fact, I've learned that my "listening face" is can be pretty devoid of emotion (doesn't mean I'm not having any emotions. My face just isn't showing them) and reactions. And well, unbeknownst to my ex I was actually planning on taking him out one Saturday on a woodworking shop tour (had planned and mapped it accordingly), some of which offered workshops and apprenticeships (he was self-taught but had expressed an interest in wanting some training. Not that I would have said "Oh you have to take this course!" as I knew his life was pretty busy, but I thought if he got to talking to someone there and they offered he might be into signing up at some point). But, due to several issues, our relationship ended before that could happen.

I also have had some issues with shutting down during conflict, especially confrontations or arguments. I'm not trying to give the "silent treatment" or anything like that. I literally cannot talk and if I try nothing but gibberish or some incoherent rambling of words comes out. I also have delayed emotional processing so I may not react to something until it hits me later on (usually when I'm alone). I need some time to think things over and process my thoughts and emotions. Do you rush right into these deep emotional conversations? That can be very offputting.

So yeah we may not ACT in ways you are used to. That doesn't mean we don't care, or that we aren't aware. Nor does getting comfortable with you and showing you more of us mean we were faking it at the start.

On the other hand, I don't know your GF, and I really can't speak for her. Is it possible there is more to it? Of course, but that isn't something anyone here can answer.