to be a kid again

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I'm a failed adult. I wish I was 8 in 2003

If I were to start over, I'd like to be born in a male body and than my childhood would be an easier one than I had. Other than that, I wouldn't like to be a child and constantly chastised by my mother for talking about my favourite things over and over again. I thought my mum hated me. Mind you, 1983 was a lot different from 2003.

Bullying was even worse when I was a kid. Children are barbaric like animals. I wouldn't want to experience that stressful period of my life again. If anything, I'd like all people to experience that stress and suffer so that they would know bullying/harassment is evil.

I'd love to relive my childhood as a neurotypical. I had a decent, normal upbringing and a great childhood but the only thing that ruined it all was my brain being wired like it is. I missed out on sleepovers with friends and doing all the other things that adolescents do. It was very heartbreaking.

I suppose I didn't miss out on much when I was little (under 10) because I was invited to birthday parties and I had friendships. But I was very challenging at home with my behaviour, and at school when I first started school but once I settled down I was good, but at home I was a nightmare while my brother was the good one.

When I was in my early 20s I was miserable and kept having rage outbursts due to poor mood regulation. Anything could trigger me off and I would fly up into a (verbal) rage. It brought great stress for my parents to have to live with.

While I don't like having to worry about paying the bills, I would rather be 39 (current age) than a kid

When I was young, bullying, puberty, parents made me take the SAT in 7th grade

Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, gender identity, was not until age 29

Although I would rather be a skinny smart handsome cisgender neurotypical extrovert white man civil engineer, what I am now

I am just a disaster waiting to keep happening

No matter how much I studied, still academic dismissal

No matter how hard I worked, still made redundant

No matter what I ate, still fat

Everything my worthless corpse attempts to accomplish, is like, "you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear" and"there's a hole in the bucket "

For a long time I have been feeling defective, deficient and morally inferior

Nothing I do is good enough

No way I'd want to be eight years old again. I'd have to go back to school, and getting up at the crack of dawn every morning and going to bed early every night is bad enough, but I'd be fractured by fractions and mauled by multiplication all over again. And then there's having to sit all day in stuffy classrooms, wearing clothes that are uncomfortable, being told constantly what to eat and how to dress while being surrounded by loud screaming kids.

If I could be whatever age I wanted to forever, I think I'd like to be 25, because that's when your brain is supposed to be fully developed, but you're still a young adult. Of course, I'd have to be diagnosed and living the way I am now instead of in a home with schizophrenia, bipolar and OCD sufferers. And staff that change everything every month or so.

And since we're already dreaming, I'd like a pet miniature griffin that is completely tame and housebroken, 47 million dollars and my own animation studio.