Page 1 of 4 [ 52 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,295
Location: my own little world

16 Dec 2022, 1:34 pm

I am realizing that I have no ability to connect with people. I have been feeling this way for a very long time. It's actually that people can't connect with me but if I say that, I am told that I am arrogant, so I am only allowed to say that I can't connect with other people. That makes it impossible because what happens is that people will only accept if I say that I can't connect with them. They can't accept that they can't connect with me. So, they insist that I learn social skills. But that doesn't solve anything because this issue is not about my lack of social skills, it's about the fact that they can't connect with me. So, it's an incredibly painful way to have to live, and so much so that it becomes unbearable.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 75
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,468
Location: Indiana

16 Dec 2022, 1:49 pm

The reason why you cannot connect with people is because you are different. If you seek out the people that are similar to you, you might find people who will connect with you.

I am different. It took me almost 70 years to understand why. It boils down to the fact that I was injured around age 3 and that caused a brain flip. The dominant left side of my brain was severely damaged and died and my support right side of my brain stepped in and I lived. Eventually when my left side came back on line, it slid into the other spot. I was a brain flip. But the two sides of your brain are very different.

That is the reason why this site is named the Wrong Planet. It is like we were born in another world, a different planet.


_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."


Silence23
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 10 Dec 2022
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 255
Location: Germany

16 Dec 2022, 1:57 pm

Do you tell them you're autistic? Maybe it would make it easier for them to understand.

Also, do you think it's easier for you to connect with people online?

I found I can to some degree connect with some people online. With people who aren't exactly neurotypical either. E.g. people with personality disorders. Even connected with someone with bipolar personality disorder, which could be quite stressful for an autist. But I was probably one of the few people who didn't get mad at him when his mood swings made him toxic again.

Offline however it's pretty much impossible to connect with me.



Last edited by Silence23 on 16 Dec 2022, 2:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.

skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,295
Location: my own little world

16 Dec 2022, 2:04 pm

I know what you mean. But I am not only different because I am Autistic. I am also different because I have another disability on top of the Autism which I don't really disclose often. I don't disclose it because it is unique to me. As far as my doctors and therapists know, I am the only person with this issue who has managed to live to adulthood. It is such rare issue that it has no name and most people, including doctors and therapists don't know it exists. Fortunately, two of my therapists had heard of it. It is one of the rarest psychological conditions and if someone has this, they don't survive past their mid teens. So, as far as we know, I am the only adult person alive with this. No one is able to understand how I manage to survive. So there is no one else like me for me to group up with.

But one of the side effects of this condition is that it forces me to live and experience life and what I experience at a level of depth and intensity that is often fatal to "normal" people. That is why it is not really possible to survive this. What you feel is just way too intense and if people have this they usually commit suicide as young teens. But for some reason, I continue to survive.

But the problem is that when I talk to people, it is very easy for me to relate to them and in every single conversation I have with anyone, I am the one helping them and relating to them. But it is impossible for them to relate to me. They cannot even conceive how I experience life and how deep and intense it is. And this inability to ever have a peer and understanding that there is not a single person at all that can relate to me and connect with me on the deepest levels that I function at, is incredibly painful. Even socializing with Autistic people can be incredibly difficult and traumatic for me because of the intensity of the things I feel. And I can't share them with anyone because no one can understand them so people just say things to try to help and it only makes things worse. So the loneliness I feel becomes physically painful.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


Silence23
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 10 Dec 2022
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 255
Location: Germany

16 Dec 2022, 2:24 pm

skibum wrote:
And I can't share them with anyone because no one can understand them so people just say things to try to help and it only makes things worse. So the loneliness I feel becomes physically painful.


Well, I absolutely get your reaction to well meant suggestions of people trying to help, which are absolutely not helpful. But if you share these things with others, even if they don't understand wtf you are talking about, it can still help you. Because it may become easier for you to help yourself when you write things down (or verbally talk about them I guess, but that would not be possible in my case, e.g. because it is too exhausting for my brain).



Windows on a Mac
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 13 Dec 2022
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Posts: 13
Location: United Kingdom

16 Dec 2022, 2:41 pm

I feel you. Socialising has never came naturally to me, so as a kid I was made to learn social skills. That’s what they called it, but it was more like being taught how to act “normal” rather than make genuine connections. I remember being told stuff like “They don’t want to play with you because you do this” and “No one will want to be your friend if you act like that”. I was made to feel like I was the problem, when in reality my peers just weren’t willing to accept people they saw as different.



skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,295
Location: my own little world

16 Dec 2022, 2:54 pm

Silence23 wrote:
skibum wrote:
And I can't share them with anyone because no one can understand them so people just say things to try to help and it only makes things worse. So the loneliness I feel becomes physically painful.


Well, I absolutely get your reaction to well meant suggestions of people trying to help, which are absolutely not helpful. But if you share these things with others, even if they don't understand wtf you are talking about, it can still help you. Because it may become easier for you to help yourself when you write things down (or verbally talk about them I guess, but that would not be possible in my case, e.g. because it is too exhausting for my brain).
Yes, that can have a carthartic effect and I express myself as often as I can. It is only a small relief though and it is not long lived. But it's better than nothing. It's just that living in this situation for nearly six decades is taking an enormous toll on me and I am really starting to crumple under the weight of that.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,295
Location: my own little world

16 Dec 2022, 2:56 pm

Windows on a Mac wrote:
I feel you. Socialising has never came naturally to me, so as a kid I was made to learn social skills. That’s what they called it, but it was more like being taught how to act “normal” rather than make genuine connections. I remember being told stuff like “They don’t want to play with you because you do this” and “No one will want to be your friend if you act like that”. I was made to feel like I was the problem, when in reality my peers just weren’t willing to accept people they saw as different.
Yes. This is such a common experience in the Autistic community and I hate it. I am doing everything I can to advocate and educate and try to change the way that nts think. It's so destructive. I totally understand how this kind of thing would have hurt you psychologically and emotionally. It's so destructive.


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


blazingstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Nov 2017
Age: 70
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,234

16 Dec 2022, 6:44 pm

I think it is okay to say people can’t connect with you. It’s accurate, not aggrandizing.

Some conditions are extremely rare. My sister died of a cancer only a few have had. Because of my work, I come across disabilities that are exceedingly rare. So, I believe you.

All I can do is say, I hear you are lonely and that you feel too much. Is there anything more you’d like me to know about you?


_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain
- Gordon Lightfoot


IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 67,988
Location: Chez Quis

16 Dec 2022, 7:11 pm

I connect with you, skibum.
I relate to you very much and I'm glad you're in my life.



Mrs.K
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 12 Aug 2015
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 10
Location: Georgia, USA

17 Dec 2022, 2:09 am

I can’t connect with people either. I totally understand.

I used to try really hard to connect. I joined churches, went to parties, and joined a few clubs. Nothing. I just couldn’t understand how everyone else formed groups and were so engrossed in each other’s company. It didn’t make sense to me. Finally I stopped trying as I accepted the fact that I wasn’t really interested in trying to connect anymore. I enjoy being alone and I accepted that there is nothing wrong with that despite what society says. I was diagnosed in my 50s. Then it all made sense. I still can’t connect, but now I know why.

I do confess that I live mostly in my head and daydream a lot. That’s what has gotten me through my life. I also use it to motivate myself.



ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,254
Location: Long Island, New York

17 Dec 2022, 4:49 am

skibum wrote:
But I am not only different because I am Autistic. I am also different because I have another disability on top of the Autism which I don't really disclose often. I don't disclose it because it is unique to me. As far as my doctors and therapists know, I am the only person with this issue who has managed to live to adulthood. It is such rare issue that it has no name and most people, including doctors and therapists don't know it exists. Fortunately, two of my therapists had heard of it. It is one of the rarest psychological conditions and if someone has this, they don't survive past their mid teens. So, as far as we know, I am the only adult person alive with this. No one is able to understand how I manage to survive.

Surviving until now is something to be very proud of. That does not make it easy at all but the right frame of mind can make it less hard. Hopefully you can survive until the condition with no name is understood and treatments for it available.


_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,368
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

17 Dec 2022, 5:54 am

I myself had accepted the fact that people cannot connect with me.

Not my parents, not my sister, not my friends.
No amount of affection and love can substitute their lack of understanding and comprehension of my own experience and existence as a person.

And partially that's because mostly because I'm not exactly interested at connecting back to begin with. The best I could do is honor them.
Everyone has their story. I honor their stories. But sometimes I just get sick of other people's stories.


And...

I've yet to accept the fact that there won't be any real sympathy. And that I won't likely ever receive true empathy from anyone.


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.


LeafyGenes
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 1 Dec 2022
Gender: Female
Posts: 47

17 Dec 2022, 3:25 pm

skibum perhaps I hear you, I am not sure yet. Are you saying that others reject you? I think I can imagine a situation where you can accept and understand everyone, but where this ability of yours is impossible for others to accept and understand. That is messed up, as they say :( I've noticed myself that being accepted actually infuriates many others, no doubt about it.

Do dogs accept you? My dog seems to understand everything about me in a way that I've never seen with any cat, bird, or person.

Can you feel others connecting with you on just one small thing, for example that you both feel the cold today?


_________________
Self-diagnosed with dyspraxia which has messed up my social life, my family, my work, and my home for a long time. I am ready for it to leave.

"From there to there, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!" Dr Suess, One Fish, Two Fish


Last edited by LeafyGenes on 17 Dec 2022, 3:42 pm, edited 4 times in total.

LeafyGenes
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 1 Dec 2022
Gender: Female
Posts: 47

17 Dec 2022, 3:32 pm

deleted



Last edited by LeafyGenes on 17 Dec 2022, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MOONTRIPS
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 28 Nov 2022
Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 38

17 Dec 2022, 3:42 pm

I've connected with a number of people online, but irl it's near impossible. I've tried group things but it's never really gone well. usually people that share my interests are a lot younger than me, and that makes connection a lot less likely to happen.